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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL keeps crashing my holidays

117 replies

anamasifk · 16/11/2019 23:35

I moved to UK when I got married, leaving my family back home. I’m lucky though because I get to fly back and visit them a couple of times a year. The problem I’m having is my MiL is treating my trips home as an opportunity to Tag along and go on a holiday. It’s pretty much become an annual thing, despite my efforts to avoid her coming. I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped. She then told my hubby to tell me to invite her. I forgot to mention I live with her. And she has two daughters and 5 grandchildren here in the UK but she never goes over to theirs.
The reason I’m hesitating to speak to my husband about it is because he has a great relationship with my parents and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Also whenever they come to visit me in the UK they stay with us.

AIBU to resent my MiL for gatecrashing my quality time with my family? How should I approach this situation?

OP posts:
Llamalover25 · 18/11/2019 11:20

@ineedaholidaynow yes I was aware, and being naive and a family oriented person I thought what would be the harm? She's just one old lady, there's no FiL so it should be manageable. And to be very fair we generally get on quite well on a day to day basis. She's a lovely lady, very helpful, I've heard so many horror stories of evil MiLs and she's nothing like that.

This is pretty much the only problem I'm having and I think it stems from how generally well we get on, she probably thinks I don't mind her tagging along

Hithere2 · 18/11/2019 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ididit2019 · 18/11/2019 12:36

I'm somewhat confused as the op has stated she's upset at her mil invading her hols as that's her respite and time away with her family but hasn't actually stated she's unhappy with the living arrangements with her and seems to get along day to day with her so why all the advice for her to move out if that actually works for her? Unless op do you actually want to move out in general or is it just the holiday you have issues with?

Llamalover25 · 18/11/2019 13:42

@Ididit2019 I've been feeling confused about the same. I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable for feeling this way and what would be a polite way to get my point across?

mummytraveller · 18/11/2019 17:53

u need to move out...
my bf lives with his mum coz, same, culturally he does as dad died and shes a single mum.. but she knows that once we get further on and he moves here, she can come too but she cant live with us! I wouldnt live with him if she was a package deal Confused it's my idea of hell to live with my mum again or a MIL... and I was a single mum at 18, I'm sure she will cope!!!

nuxe1984 · 18/11/2019 17:55

If your parents always stay with you and your MIL when they visit then she may she her visits to them as reciprocal.

The way to get out of this pattern is for you and your DPs to meet up somewhere else - book a villa or hotel. And tell her that it's a family holiday with your parents so you can all spend some time together.

Ididit2019 · 18/11/2019 18:02

It's a hard one as you get on day to day so don't want to jeopardise that. It would be best coming from your other half if that's possible. Have you discussed it with him, is does he see your point of view?

Otherwise are you able whilst there to book her on some type of excursion or encourage her to go on a short break and then book your holiday for the same time? The best thing though is to be honest as each time it happens you are going to exhaust yourself finding a new excuse/tactic. Tell her how much you love spending time with her and are thankful at how she has welcomed you etc but also that you need to spend time with your family as they miss that as you do.

Ididit2019 · 18/11/2019 18:04

And also you are definitely not being unreasonable. This is just one of those delicate situations unfortunately.

HuggedTrees · 18/11/2019 18:12

Move out

HuggedTrees · 18/11/2019 18:14

Sorry didn’t see the updates from the name change

Lou12124 · 18/11/2019 18:18

I would just say that I'm not being rude and we 'love' you coming with us when we visit my parents but this time me and hubby were going to go on our own...we get to spend all our time with just you as you live with us and my parents dont get that special time together with just me and hubby..

anxiousbean · 18/11/2019 18:20

I think you need to tell your husband that never having a break from your MIL is making you question your living arrangements.

It is not unreasonable to have some time just with your family on holiday. If you can get him on board, he can be the person to speak to his Mum about the holidays and be the person who says we just need a bit of time alone.

If he can't cope with this, you need to start discussing moving out with him more seriously.

HotChocWithCream · 18/11/2019 18:21

I've done the "living with MIL for cultural reasons" thing and all I can say is... NEVER AGAIN.

It did teach me how much I value my private space and that I can't cope with another adult in the house irrespective of how lovely that adult may be (she was a lovely MIL -albeit my ex-MIL now).

I need my own personal space away from EVERYONE (well OH is an exception to the rule but that's it!). I would never ever live with my parents or OH's parents - and they too are genuinely lovely people!

Josette77 · 18/11/2019 18:24

Can you afford to move out?

speakout · 18/11/2019 18:38

Move out OP.

You can afford a couple of foreign trips a year- you and OH need a place of your own.

Drabarni · 18/11/2019 18:58

How does she keep doing it, and why didn't you say no to begin with?
If you encourage her by not saying no, what do you expect?

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2019 19:08

Are you sure she asked to come and its not your husband being unable to leave his mum at home?

Do you actually ever talk to her about this?

ymf117 · 18/11/2019 19:18

Could you arrange for one of her DD's to stay with her and then go on your holiday?

Are you happy with the arrangement otherwise? If not you really do need to move out, especially with a DC, the longer you are there the harder it will be to leave.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/11/2019 19:27

Do you live in HER house? And your parents visit and stay there?

Milkandhoney123 · 18/11/2019 19:45

Whose house is it? Does it belong to your husband or your mil? If it belongs to him technically when you’re parents come to stay they are staying with you, not her so they should not feel obligated to have her over. However if it’s her house I get why she feels she should be invited.

LizzyA123 · 18/11/2019 20:06

Why don’t you arrange a visit to one of her daughters while you are away so they can have a proper catch up.

Tamalpais · 18/11/2019 20:08

For a myriad of reasons, my husband and I also live with my MIL.

She's invited herself along on several holidays and afterward I could have cheerfully strangled her because she was VERY overbearing and totally changed the dynamic.

You are going to have to get your husband to talk to her before you two start having relationship problems over this.

Llamalover25 · 18/11/2019 20:11

@anxiousbean and @Lou12124 thank you  finally some advice I can run with

@Milkandhoney123 Technically it's my husband's house as she transferred the title deeds over to his name a couple of years ago. But its the house that she put her hard-earned money into to pay off the mortgage with 3 children over 35+ years. So even though it has my DH name on it, it definitely doesn't feel like OUR house IYSWIM.

@LizzyA123 @ymf117 I've tried that, she just tells them not to come and that she'll catch up with them in the next school holiday

Llamalover25 · 18/11/2019 20:15

@Tamalpais how did you resolve it?
You understand right? I appreciate her more when I get that time away from her and I get my space.

Tamalpais · 18/11/2019 20:25

I had my DH tell her straight (but kindly) that if coliving was going to continue to work, we needed space. Holidays were for me, DH, and our children to reconnect, not for MIL to come along and dominate. Same with the occasional evening out.

You can be fond of someone and consider them family, but still need your own damn space.

Be careful to have an exit plan if you really need it - most likely that's your parents. MIL bulldozing in on your relationship with them is not good. It's overbearing.

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