MiL keeps crashing my holidays

[anamasifk]

I moved to UK when I got married, leaving my family back home. I’m lucky though because I get to fly back and visit them a couple of times a year. The problem I’m having is my MiL is treating my trips home as an opportunity to Tag along and go on a holiday. It’s pretty much become an annual thing, despite my efforts to avoid her coming. I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped. She then told my hubby to tell me to invite her. I forgot to mention I live with her. And she has two daughters and 5 grandchildren here in the UK but she never goes over to theirs.
The reason I’m hesitating to speak to my husband about it is because he has a great relationship with my parents and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Also whenever they come to visit me in the UK they stay with us.

AIBU to resent my MiL for gatecrashing my quality time with my family? How should I approach this situation?

Oh OP I think you've been really patient! It's certainly not for everyone, living with MIL. I couldn't do it even for a week. It seems like your MIL has made her problems and upset her childrens' problems and upsets and she is holding them to ransom a bit. I think your husband is being really unfair in taking part in this game of MIL asking him to ask you to invite her. He should have shut that down straight away and this habit would never have started. I know it's not as simple as just moving out but try to make a plan to move out by next Christmas. It's time your husband cut the pinny strings.

While your MIL does have a brass neck, your issue is your DH. I wouldn’t have dated a 29yo man who lived with his mother in the first place but you did, you knew the set up and now it’s going to be difficult to convince him to move out.

I think we need to know the cultural background, OP. I work with a lot of women who live with their in-laws because it's just the done thing in their culture. The man stays at home with his parents and his wife moves in with them. If that's the situation here it makes it a lot more difficult for OP and her DH to extricate themselves from the MIL's home.

But how does she/your husband explain her coming along when you have explicitly asked her not to? What are the words that they use?

@Dollymixture22 @RolytheRhino yes we live with her for cultural reasons. Definitely not financial, luckily my husband has a good job and can easily afford to move us out. Finding a way to convince him without making me look like a homebreaker is the hard part. :/

Do you live in MILs house or does she live in yours?

Why do you live together?

@Llamalover25 name change fail?

It's her lack of boundaries that are the reason you want to leave. Surely DH can see that?

Llamalover are you an equal partner in your marriage? Would you really be considered a homebreaker if you moved to your own home with your family.

Can you get a job yourself and become more independent?

@Howyiz I haven’t explicitly asked her not to, I would never have had the courage yet to be so bold... But for example when my husband made me invite her, I started off by telling MiL how ill my mum was and stressed out and busy so I was going to see her (which was all true, not an excuse) and that I understood that MiL had planned to spend xmas with SiLs and grandkids and she didn’t need to feel obliged to come. She didn’t even let me finish my sentence before saying “Okay I’ll come 😁!”
And then spending the week telling my mum how me and DH insisted on her joining us. And telling me all week how poorly my mum looked and exhausted 🤦🏻‍♀️

But yes i do agree with you ladies that up to some point it is DH fault and he needs to understand that I need space away from MiL too

And yes I know about the name change fail hahaha still new to this site 😋

So you invite her but make vague mention that it might not suit and then are shocked when she comes?
Seriously? Grow the fuck up and have an adult conversation! Be upfront that 6ou are going to visit your family without her and maybe she could visit your sil while you are away!

You realise you are being completely unfair to your own parents right? Christ woman up, you took your mil to visit your sick mother because you lack a spine, you need to cop on and speak up, "I've booked to go home in July mil, this time i'm going on my own, I want quality time with my family" no discussion no sorry

You need to actually say to her that this time you don't want her to come because you need some time with just your family. Honestly and clearly, like a grown up, not with subtle hints.

I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped.
This is quite bizarre to me. Don't invite people to things you don't want them to do, expecting them to say no. If you invite them, expect them to say yes!

I was trying to handle the matter delicately coz I do live with her and aside from being a bit clingy she is generally a very nice lady, kind and generous with me. It was a tactic that failed so now I know I need to be more clear and firm... I just wanted to have a sanity check on here first whether im bu or not

You need to get a job and quietly start saving for a house deposit. Sell the idea to your DH as an opportunity as an investment. Then let the property on a 6 month short term contract (so you can save money to do it up). Then start saying you'd like your own space. Everytime you visit the property before you move out, take a few belongings each time and leave it there so there is no dramatic moving day with a removal van etc where your MIL makes a scene.

If MIL is completely against the idea she may tell your DH a few things to make him change his mind (e.g. you don't know how to do something or the other and his quality of life will be impacted etc) so be prepared to counteract this with your DH and reassure him that'll it'll be domestic bliss (cheesy I know but has to be done). Once you move out, send some food occssionally and you or your DH visit with your DC so she doesn't feel as if you 'stole' her family. Have a house warming do with your in laws over so they know you still want to keep relations but you just want your own space.

Once it's been a few months after moving out and you keeping your DH sweet, start setting your own house rules as no doubt your DH would have been used to having things done for him but you are from a different generation to your MIL. Plus with both of you working, chores should be split. Let him get comfy first as you don't want MIL to start saying to him I told you so etc. Good luck and start working on a plan!

You have a DH problem.

Set plans in motion to move out.

Do a course in assertiveness - your local Further Education College might have one.

Do not have DC until you have a place of your own.

MOVE OUT.

Don't have kids before you are living at least 50 miles from her. Take it from me, it'll be the only way to stay sane (and talking to her)

You live in her house so you don't have a leg to stand on, in my opinion. If you want boundaries, you must move out of her property.

You say you go home several times a year and mil coming along is 'almost an annual thing' so it seems as if you're still going quite often without her?

I never invited my PIL to come with me on my visits to my own parents. Not even when we were briefly living with PIL. They wouldn't have come anyway and would have thought it odd, not to mention an imposition.

The only times my parents and my PIL ever actually met was not at or in each others houses, but on neutral territory.

To be honest, I think your MIL is a bit presumptuous, but you haven't helped by inviting her in the first place. Your DH isn't helping either by not telling her to back off now and try to respect your wish for privacy as much as possible.

Living with your MIL on an open ended basis because DH cannot cut loose from her apron strings is helping nobody and giving MIL too much clout. MOVE OUT!

Just say to your mil that whilst you love your trips and spending time with her you and dh have decided to go alone this year to have some quality time and she can join you another time. Make sure your dh is on the same pages and stay firm repeating the same line even if she puts on the tears and wobbly lip. Be strong

OP I've just seen mil books the tickets regardless so I'd get in before she asks and just tell her that she wont be coming so she csnt go and book tickets

You have a DH problem. You also need to grow a spine - I can't believe you just kept your mouth shut when your MIL insisted on gatecrashing your visit to see your sick mum. You also need to move out

For those of you telling OP not to have DC before moving out, I think that ship has sailed.

Also if they are living with MIL for cultural reasons I don’t think it will be quite so easy as save up for a deposit and move out, especially if MIL is on her own.

OP did you realise that living with your MIL could possibly be a lifelong commitment when you married DH?

If you are living in the sort of culture where it is expected that adult son lives with parents and is 'responsible' for them and moves his own wife/dc in, then you are probably also living in a culture where there is lots of 'family business' to deal with.
Just tell her you are goi g to visit parents as there is family business to be sorted, private family business. She can fly with you but must arrange for one of her other daughters to meet her at the airport. As you must go on alone to your parents as there is Family Business. No, there is Private Family Business to be sorted. No, it must be a Private visit as there is Family Business. I will ring your daughter X to meet you st the airport whilst I go off to sort out my Family Business.
(She will probably assume that there is some terrible family shame going on such as all the money being lost etc, but who cares, you will have your solo visit.)