Dh in his own world

[Flossie44]

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

So you say to yourself “I’ll get up and cook his breakfast, then he will love me more”?

Woman, that is a self esteem issue. As a principle, you can’t control what other people do, only how you interact with them, so you may as well start working on yourself. See a counsellor, a therapist, someone who can get to the bottom of why you’re doing this and why you don’t have to.

Please don’t get up at 5pm for him. Please stop doing things for him. He doesn’t do anything special for you ever it sounds like, and I don’t think telling you he loves you count when in every other way he tells you you are shit on his shoe.

Sounds to me like he doesnt love YOU, what he loves is everything you do for him to free him up to do whatever the hell he likes all the time.

Hes getting annoyed at you asking because it's like the dishwasher or the hoover has suddenly spoken up and asked for a day off.

He isn't a husband, he's a lodger. So treat him like one.

Stop getting him up in the morning, stop cooking meals at special times for him. If he isn't there at set meal times, his meal goes in the fridge/bin. Set the mealtimes to suit your schedule and tell him when they are. If he won't keep you company in the evenings, invite a friend round.

Sounds like you give it your all in order to get his love and it's not working. Have you not thought the opposite might get you a better result? Do less, be more selfish, give more importance to your sleep than breakfast to a perfectly able man. You can't give no importance to you and expect the other to give some to you. If you believe you matter it's about time you show it. He might start looking at you differently. You both need to wake up I think.

Either the golf or the mountain biking need to go. And if he has the energy for those he shouldn't be falling asleep every evening.

As a separate matter, have you had a care assessment from the local children's social services department? You may well be entitled to respite care and help at home. And does your daughter have an EHC Plan so that she can have some education at home when she's too unwell to go to school?

Yes we have a disability social worker and a care package. Unfortunately due to the nature of dd’s illness, it’s complex and it’s taking months to have nurses trained and competencies signed. It’s so frustrating. It would be a life changer for me yet it’s taking so long.
She also has an ehcp and home education when too unwell to attend school.

Alicia - I may well try the opposite. See what happens

How are you OP?

OP, I love you.

See how easy it was for me to write that? Your husband's "I love you" is as meaningless as me saying it, he obviously doesn't love you, because if he did, he wouldn't treat you like this. You are just the person who helps his life run smoothly, so he doesn't have to cook for himself, or do his laundry, or keep the place clean and tidy. He loves that, but it could be anyone doing it for him.

I'm so sorry he isn't the man you thought he was when you married him, but he's not going to give up his golf, cycling, and being able to nap on the sofa, because he's a selfish, uncaring bastard. Your love for him is wasted, he doesn't deserve it.

I agree with pps, stop getting up to cook his breakfast, cook the dinner when it suits your schedule, if he's not in to eat it then, he'll have to either reheat it, or cook his own. Stop doing everything for him, it won't make him love you, it hasn't worked all this time.

Learn to love yourself. You are doing a fantastic job, that he's too lily-livered to even try. He knows how hard it is for you, that's why he won't do it himself. He's a waste of space.

I'm angry for you, time for you to get angry at him.

I'm with GrumpyHoonMain.

I've done this when DD was younger. I just buggered off fir the weekend & left him to it. Didn't say where I was going, just went when he was home & turned my phone off. Things changed massively after that as it was a huge wake up call for him

Usually I would agree with that, but OPs husband can't manage her DD medical needs alone. That would normally be my first suggestion in this situation though, make him realise and appreciate what it is she actually does for everyone in the household.

Why is he getting cross at you for voicing your emotions? You're not a child to be scolded you're a PARTNER

It's not your issue btw! Love without loving behaviour is just empty words!

And I feel bad for bringing it up.
Hold on - feeling bad for expressing a desire to spend time with your own husband? Where did you get hold of the idea that asking for this is putting some kind of obligation on him?

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??
No.
Asking too much would be if you expected your DH to take care of children & domestic duty 100% from Monday to Friday, then spent each Saturday & Sunday out doing your chosen hobbies, & every night asleep on the sofa while he coped with all the adulting.

WTF is going on with him?
When do YOU get a break?
When does he ever parent?
Does he do anything round the house?

Tonight I mentioned him falling asleep. He’s got so cross saying I’ve ruined the evening because I wouldn’t let him ‘Be’.

Oh fucking hell. Sorry @Flossie44 but I am angry on your behalf. He gets to ruin every single one of your evenings with his Rip Van Winkle act, then blames you for objecting to him checking out of domestic life 24/7?

Also stop getting up and making him food on demand. DP gets up 2 hours before me (different shifts) and eats cereal. Who gets a cooked breakfast every day? He's living the life of bloody Riley!

He tells me he provides.

Sweetheart, if all he is doing is "providing", he could do it remotely.
From a bachelor flat, leaving you free to find people who are prepared to give you friendship & attention. You know - normal, nice people.

Ask him when is your ‘me time’? He’s buggering off all weekend leaving you to do all the work - selfish awful behaviour.
He’s also shutting you down, dismissing your valid questions. He has no right to be annoyed at you for asking this , he just doesn’t wAnt his selfishness pointed out to him.

Earning money is a small fraction of what’s involved in parenting. He is not pulling his weight. He should not be leaving you every weekend to peruse his hobbies. It’s totally unfair of him.

I wouldn’t tolerate his behaviour. Of course he says he loves you. You’re basically facilitating his lovely, carefree life.

This is heartbreaking to read. I have three children and two have disabilities. One has quite complex needs but not to the point she can’t breathe. It’s exhausting being a carer. I know your husband works but caring is nothing like working. Without sounding awful. It sounds like he doesn’t see you. Or your needs. My dh can be quite selfish. He’s quick to prioritise his needs. But he wouldn’t bugger off all weekend. Are you getting anything from this relationship? Providing money is not an excuse to opt out of doing anything else. You need to re-evaluate this relationship because you are worth so much more. Hugs from one carer to another.

Fucking hell. There’s unlikely to be a win for you in this situation because it sounds like he’s emotionally checked out - this doesn’t sound like you’re still in a relationship at all and hardly because you haven’t been trying. Crap situation. Deeply unfair. Unfortunately quite right that no non-resident parent can be forced to look after/see their child. You might just end up in exactly the same scenario (24/7) but with far less money. Have a think about how you could handle things if he wasn’t there at all.

Sounds unfair to me. I have a colleague with a severely disabled child, he works ft and his wife looks after the child. My colleague goes straight home every night to do his bit, and lets his wife get some time off every chance he gets. I can see how hard it still is for both of them, but they prioritise their child and each other and don't go swanning off to do hobbies all weekend leaving the other one to do all the work.

Not excusing his behaviour- you deserve better but do you think he just can’t face up to your daughters needs and this avoidant behaviour is due to repressed sadness , guilt etc? Might counselling as a couple help at all? Can you trust anyone else to care for her while you go out for w meal or cinema once a month at least?

I would call the charity associated with your child's issues and ask them for advice including what support you would get if you split up with your husband.

There is no charity. It’s such a rare condition