Dh in his own world

[Flossie44]

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

This is inhumane
He has no regard for your mental emotional or physical health and well-being and no wish to step up and parent his child.
No wonder you are struggling OP because this is unsustainable. What happens if/when you burnout and become unable to look after your dd?

I'm sorry but I don't think you have a marriage. This guy doesn't care about you. Life will be better without him.

What is it with women who put up with this? We don't live in the 1950s anymore.

suesylvesterr

What is it with women who put up with this? We don't live in the 1950s anymore

What is it with women who feel it necessary to criticise another woman who is in dire circumstances, with trite shit like this?

It’s not easy to a: find the time to notice the kind of situation you’re in until you’re very far into it and b: to move on from a situation in which your child’s needs are at least being financially provided for, even if you know that your own are not.

What sort of relationship is this. He is basically using you as a housekeeper and a nurse.

I really don't think this is just about you needing him to show that he loves you. Your needs (family time, time off caring solely for your very sick DD) are not being met because of his exceptionally selfish behaviour.

Unless HE decides to change, you're in a no-win situation - if you stay, this situation continues. If you divorce, he's very unlikely to do EOW or support you in any other way apart from financially. It's an intolerable situation and I can't see any way out of it. At least if you separated, you would have zero expectations of him and that in itself might be quite liberating. And less washing to do.

I hope you are not doing his laundry, ironing, cooking etc.

marnia I absolutely do everything for him. I do all the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning. If he needs to be up at 5am for work, I get up with him and make him breakfast while he showers. If he gets in late from work, I cook dinner later.
I just don’t know what to do. I love him entirely. Yet I feel he sees me as a servant. I long to be loved but feel so worthless

Start by respecting yourself.

And ask why you think that horrible excuse for a husband is worth your love.

Then remind yourself you're his partner not his servant and stop doing everything for him. It's not the 1950s.

You need to see a counsellor who can perhaps help you find yourself again. You've got lost.

Stop doing everything for him. Stop getting up at 5am and making him breakfast, he is an adult who can make his own. Cook dinner once and plate his up and he can reheat his own (or leave him to cook for himself). He may tell you he loves you, but his behaviour does not support that statement. Actions speak louder than words etc. He is out all week 'providing', then out all weekend, having 'me time'. He absolutely is seeing you and treating you like you are unpaid domestic staff.

OP it doesn't look like you will get support from your DH. It may be time to ask for help from elsewhere

@Stooshie8 please see my previous post

Why... just why... would you EVER get up at 5am to make breakfast for an adult man?! Damn, mine gets up an hour before I do to ensure the house is warmed up by the time I wake up, and when I come downstairs, there's a coffee waiting for me!

WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!

Is it the 1950s in your house? The woman rushing to preempt the mans every need, looking after the children. Keeping out of the way and not having anything to say if the man wants to go out all weekend doing hobbies, where the man is expected to ruffle the children’s hair and then take no further responsibility for them.

You have no life. He does not love you in the way you deserve. He does not see your feelings. He only sees his. The breadwinner, entitled to do as he wishes while his wife supports his ambition and looks after his progeny.

Time to think what you want from life. You only have one. This is it. Is it what you dreamt it would be. I think not. Perhaps what your gran expected her life to be right enough.

Counselling could help you find your way. A charity for whatever conditions your dc has may be able to offer advice. It would be nice for dc to attend a local club or group that could help with learning etc and also give you a break. You deserve better than this life. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

Bloody hell. He's done a good job on you.

No wonder you've become a doormat. He has no respect or love for you.

Start by loving yourself and setting boundaries.

Nothing will change unless you change how you deal with the situation.

So stop. You’re on strike from today. Get some self respect OP. Why on earth are you doing all this shit for him???!!!!

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Agree with pps. Don't make his breakfast, don't do his washing and ironing, don't make separate meals etc. When he asks why tell him you are too tired.

I was struggling to believe this was true OP, but I can see from your previous posts that you are genuine and I'm sorry for doubting you.
I find what you do for your husband shocking. Getting up at 5am to make him breakfast, adjust meal times to fit around him, do everything around the house, and you get absolutely nothing from him in return.
He isn't at all present in your relationship. I understand the pressures and stresses of life leave us needing some down time and some people find hobbies like golf or cycling good to clear the mind and escape for a bit. But he's taking the piss.
Why doesn't he want to spend time with his family? With you?
This situation is bad enough even without taking your DD situation into account. But regarding his attitude there, I can appreciate it can be stressful and scary to be so responsible for someone's medical requirements, but you do it because you love her but also because you have to, it's your responsibility. So why doesn't your husband think it's his also? Yes it's scary, but if he always leaves things to you, he will never learn and never be comfortable.
Yes he works, so the care of your daughter and the running of the household will never be split 50/50 but he needs to be more present on weekends.
I think your email idea is a good idea so that you can out across everything you want to without being interrupted or thrown off course.
Tell him how you feel, that you feel he doesn't want to be around the family, around you. That as one half of a couple you feel unloved.
You need him to take a more hands on role with your DD as you need him to be more comfortable to allow you to have some down time also.
And for goodness sake, he can make his own breakfast in the morning and he can heat his dinner plate up if he is late in the evening.
You aren't asking for much. You just want an equal partnership, for him to be emotionally present, and for you to have your evenings as a couple.
Something my husband and I enjoy doing is a technology free night. No phones, no TV, play some boardgames and just be present with each other.
Sorry this rambled on a bit, I'm just so sorry for what you're putting up with. You deserve more.

That’s a great post @StarlitTrees

The fact that you ''love him entirely'' despite all this is shocking to me. I am sorry, I really don't want to judge. All relationships are different. I just have no words. I feel very sorry for your situation. You seem to have no clue how much more you deserve. I really hope you find the strength to rise up from this.

When it’s 5am, what are you saying to yourself that makes you get up and cook his breakfast?

I guess when it’s 5am and I get up, it’s because I’m looking for affirmation of love. Sounds pathetic I know

Starlit Trees you post really did make me think. A lot of what you say is so real. Your right. I just want him to be present

So you say to yourself “I’ll get up and cook his breakfast, then he will love me more”?

Woman, that is a self esteem issue. As a principle, you can’t control what other people do, only how you interact with them, so you may as well start working on yourself. See a counsellor, a therapist, someone who can get to the bottom of why you’re doing this and why you don’t have to.