Dh in his own world

[Flossie44]

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

Jesus Christ this is a sad situation. So you are 'on' 24/7 keeping your DC alive and he's pissing off on his mountain bike and snoozing on the sofa? Fuck. That. He learns how to care for his DD, pronto. Lessons after work, being shown, then being supervised, until you're 100% happy he knows what he's doing. Next, you take one weekend day for yourself. You need it. You're no good to anyone if you burn out. Use this time to cultivate meaningful relationships outside of the home, so you're not reliant on DH for all your human interaction. Not for his benefit, but for yours. Also use it to get some fresh air, alone time and exercise. You being mentally and physicaly well, happy and doing ok in yourself is paramount. Ignore any huffs and tantrums by CF DH when he pushes back. Let him know his cushtie little number is up and here begins equality. Also I'm betting you getting your own social life, hobbies etc will be enough to make him realise you're not his little wife-bot at home doing everything and he'd better shape up before you take off with Brian from Park Run or whatever who will treat you like a goddess. Does he manage to fuck your brains out between his sofa naps? If not, he's better start. Honestly, men like your DH give the make race a bad rap. He needs to shape the fuck up, the lazy pisstaking cunt.

Golf! While you're at home doing sterling work in dire circumstances with your DD. I fucking despair!

If he is not willing to parent his poorly dd. Extract some of his hobby money for respite. You deserve a break too. He should be thrilled to spend a few hours with the fruit of his loins.

Obviously none of us need know the details of your dds condition but could it be that he finds it so difficult to face that your dh uses avoidance to cope? Ignore that if its totally wrong. Just wondered if it's not you that he's avoiding just the scenario?

He’s basically an absent father. Provides monetary support but nothing else. If you split up he will be looking after his daughter for at least some of the time and when he’s doing that you’ll be free to do what you want. What would happens if you said you were going shopping for the day on Saturday and out cycling g for the day on Sunday. Maybe try a few weekends of that and see how he likes it.

He’s got so cross saying I’ve ruined the evening because I wouldn’t let him ‘Be’.

He is ruining your life because he never lets you "be"

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage.

I feel for you. DD had a tracheostomy for the first three years of her life and you simply just can't feel completely relaxed when you have to be so vivilant all the time.

cecilandsnail 👏

Sorry OP, this is a shit situation and you really need to think about what Cecil has said.

Omfg.
I'm just appalled at his behaviour

You are worth so much more than this. So much!

Are you entitled to any respite or carer help?

Your husband may 'provide' but he's no husband and he's no father.

Does he ever spend time with the other DC? As he 'can't cope' with the poorly one?

What time does that DC get with anyone?

He sounds utterly useless op.

He should be able to care for his child. Ask him what happens if you get run over tomorrow?? Or have a breakdown fro mtbe lack of bloody support!!

Do you qualify for Hospice respite?

Would he cope if you went out one weekend morning and left him to it? Obviously not an easy call to make with a medically complex child.

I so sorry you're doing this all alone

He's ruining your life OP. He has abandoned you emotionally and practically.

Divorce him. Then you will get EOW off and the kids will get more time with him.

Fuck that! I had a very medically fragile special needs preemie and toddler on oxygen-then with a feeding tube and his father worked full time and helped at home and spent time with us despite being the breadwinner. I worked part time. I'd have thrown your deadbeat and absent husband/father out long ago

He keeps you where he wants you by getting angry. Time for you to go mental, i say. Don't be afraid of his anger. He's counting on that to keep you in your place.

You are not 'needy'. Your dh seems very selfish. You need a break too

He provides.
You thought you were marrying a life partner while he thought he was marrying a servant.

Your situation sounds so difficult and he sounds breathtakingly selfish and lacking wholly in empathy.
To swan off to golf and wank around on his bike after you have spent the entire week doing harrowing, sad, stressful work (without any respite even once he gets home) is honestly cruel. Your mental health must be in near shreds!

You are not needy OP.
You are a very strong and caring woman who has managed much more you should have by yourself.
Your DH for whatever reason has checked out of your relationship and family life.
I wonder if joint counseling might be an idea to help communication and get some him to think through how he is behaving and why.

I’m sorry you don’t have a marriage OP

@Countryescape do you realise that there is no legal way (or otherwise) to force a non-resident parent to look after their child. Your advice of the OP having free time if they split is unlikely to be true especially given the current situation. This advice is given out time and time again on mumsnet. (I have started threads on it)

OP have you had a carers assessment and does your DC have a social worker/specialist nurse? You need to be very honest with them about the lack of support from DH and how you are coping. You need someone on your side

I feel sad for you OP, and for your poor children who get no time at all with their selfish lump of a father.

FWIW you're doing an incredible job.

I think you're right to email him. Then he has time to digest and either step up or get lost.

How would he react if you said you'd like to change roles and be the breadwinner while he is the carer? I suspect he'd be horrified. Maybe suggest it.

This isn't a marriage, he's taking advantage of you.

Tell him he will have 50/50 care of your DD (or have to pay someone to care) if you separate which you are considering to do as you feel like the housekeeper at the moment.
However you need to sound like you mean it .
He should be spending time with his DD even if he isn't doing the caring.