Is DD being a spoilt brat?

[Inlawsoutlaws]

Myself and DH are in a lucky position where we can afford to buy somewhere for our grown up DCs (to live together). They are late twenties living in a very expensive European city. One has a short term boyfriend and the other is single.

DH and I want to buy a large house for them which would effectively use up our spare cash and be their inheritance. House in question is a bit tired and would require work. DCs are grateful but have said they don’t have the time or resources to manage house and garden and are concerned about the cost. They also see it as a short term arrangement and would rather buy a flat, which I am very against for various reasons (primarily do not see it as a good investment).

They are in such a fortunate position but can’t seem to see it! Are they being spoilt? We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

[lottiegarbanzo]

...and, if they have to plough their money into doing up this place, how can they save towards a deposit on somewhere they'd want to buy and live in with a future spouse or partner? They'd have to force a sale of this place, in order to be able to buy somewhere decent to live. So many possible complications.

[MerryMarigold]

If I were you, I would give them separate deposits to spend on property as they wish.

[Inlawsoutlaws]

@Mitzi the house I have suggested would involve them both having to get small mortgages (100k or so each)

[PositiveVibez]

I think the spoiled brat here is you!!

You are offering them something very valuable, but with conditions attached.

Is it your way, or no way?

[SpiderCharlotte]

YABU. It sounds like you're trying to almost bully them into wanting what you want.

You can either respect their opinions on this and try to come to a compromise.

You can buy the house you want, do the work yourselves and rent it to someone else and not assist your DCs at the moment.

You can do nothing at the moment.

I know what I would do.

[AcrossthePond55]

The very last thing I would have wanted in my 20s would have been a house with a garden, let alone a house that needing 'work' that I'd be expected to do! Would this house be in their names or yours?

I agree that your children are very lucky that their parents are in the position of buying them anything to live in, but in the long run they are the ones who have to live in it, do the work needed on it, and maintain the garden. Unless you're going to pay for workmen for repairs and a gardener.

A flat is much more sensible. Also, you say 'DCs, so I assume there are two or more. What's going to happen when one (or more) of them decide to marry or otherwise 'couple up', or just wants to live on their own? How will the other(s) buy them out of this house?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Small? Okay...

Please spell out for us how you envisage things working when one of them want to buy a different place to live in.

[Lazypuppy]

If they are late 20's why would they want to live together, especially whrn 1 is in a relationship? Why can't you just gift them the same amount for them each to put towards a property each??

[MajesticWhine]

Buying them a house together is just storing up a future problem. One of them will want to move on before long and then the other will have the headache of buying the other one out. A generous but misguided idea.

[AcrossthePond55]

Xpost. So you are NOT 'buying them a house', you are making the downpayment and expecting them to put themselves in debt for a house they don't even want.

You are SO unreasonable!! I'm gobsmacked at how unreasonable you are being!

[ChicCroissant]

Well even before the dripfeed I thought you were being unreasonable - you can't expect siblings to want to live together, what about when they meet a partner? How are they supposed to split the property then, it will have to be sold so not a long-term investment or inheritance at all?

They've said they don't want to do it. Entirely their choice what they want to take out a mortgage for property-wise. Why would they tie themselves down to a property they don't want, with a live-in partner (their sibling) that they don't want?

[bridgetreilly]

The house I have suggested would involve them both having to get small mortgages (100k or so each)

Wow. Just, wow.

This is a 'gift' that comes with a price tag of £100k each? Get over yourself and start listening to your children.

[Vanhi]

It sounds like a generous offer financially, but not emotionally.

We lock horns all the time about their reasoning but I want to get outside opinions

Have you thought about why you lock horns. Also why they have, presumably, moved away from you. IME children will often move away as adults if their relationship with their parents is tricky.

the house I have suggested would involve them both having to get small mortgages (100k or so each

So you're giving them a gift that locks the two of them together, and locks them into a mortgage whilst in their 20s? And that's 200k of their money plus what you're putting in. Just how big is this house?

Just no, OP. As I said, it's generous financially but not emotionally. You're attaching far too many strings to this offer. You're deciding where they're going to live, who they're going to live with and the type of property.

[Oly4]

They need a property each at that age. I’m my late 20s I would have only wanted an apartment not a doer upper house

[SaveKevin]

This is a recipe for disaster. Split the money buy them two smaller places (although your not buying it if they are getting mortgages, just heavily contributing)
They shouldn’t feel tied or responsible for each other, they need to have the flexibility and independence to fly how they see fit.
There’s partners, jobs, kids, all sorts that could cause issues, especially as you see it long term (and they short term).

[LEELULUMPKIN]

You buy a house, you do it up and maintain it then rent it out. Split rent between the 2 d's. Then they can use that money for whatever accommodation they see fit.

You still have your initial investment and then there is no fuss along the line if partners, kids, lifestyle changes come into the mix.

[Leeds2]

The very last thing I would've wanted when I was in my late 20's would be to part own a house that needed doing up. It would be a tremendous drain on both time, and money. I would also be conscious that my sibling may not be as equally committed to any renovations as I was, potentially leaving me out of pocket.
I also, frankly, wouldn't have wanted to live with my sibling when I was that age.
Fwiw, I think you would be better giving them each a deposit to help them buy their own, separate flats.

[PatriciaHolm]

Reverse, surely.

[MojoMoon]

you could wait and die, they'll inherit the money anyway and then buy the flats they actually want to live in and not together?

Or

You could take pleasure in seeing your children happily living the lives they have chosen the lead with the person they have chosen to live with (or no one) with the added financial security of having a flat each?


Also nice burn dismissing the boyfriend as "short term". Is that because you like to try and control their relationships too?

[BlackSwanGreen]

Let go, OP. Let them grow up and make their own decisions.

[tealandteal]

If they are the ones getting a mortgage, they are the ones that get to decide. Either give them each some money that they can do with what they wish or don't. At the moment you are trying to dictate where they live, who they live with and what they can do with their money for the foreseeable future. Can they each even get a 100k mortgage?

[PurpleDaisies]

Why not give them each a lump sum to use as a deposit? I wouldn’t want to be dictated to by my parents. You’re being very generous but they’re adults and aren’t wrong to want sone control over where they live.

[PurpleDaisies]

Oh! Only just noticed there are more pages of this thread. Will go back and read...

[Whattodofgs]

In my opinion a joint house is so full of pitfalls down the line. Whatever you gift them do so separately.

[PurpleDaisies]

the house I have suggested would involve them both having to get small mortgages (100k or so each)

You’ve got to be kidding. No wonder they’re not happy.