To get the rage when my parents ask what I want as a gift then ignore it

[getgoingnowshowing]

So my Parents do this every Christmas and birthday to me, my DH and my DS. What is the point in asking what type of thing you'd like if you intend to take no notice? It's not a budget thing, as I usually ask for something not particularly high cost. Or they say we are looking to spend £100 on DS (only grandchild) what would he like? Or give us a list of ideas. They never buy anything I suggest.

When DS was turning one they asked what we wanted them to get him. I asked for a play kitchen, he had all the food and bits already. It was a wooden hape one about £60 I suggested, but they could of got something similar like the IKEA one. They said it "wasn't appropriate" So he didn't get that.
I suggested I'd like slip on slippers last year for Christmas when they asked. I sent a pic of the type of style and said don't mind on colour, material, brand. Nothing unusual, so could of got anywhere. I got given a steam mop, not a cheap one either it cost £130 from Lakeland.

Same for DH on his birthday, I said he could do with a leather belt, said size, plain black or brown , M&S type thing. They got him a £50
toaster. We have a lovely toaster already, works not old, good brand. So now we have a spare toaster.

Grrr I don't want to be ungrateful, but I told them I don't need anything for Christmas this year. My mum has been endlessly asking and texting me for ideas, but again she won't be getting anything from DS' list I sent over. Why do they do this? They aren't old old, they regularly go to a large shopping centre for a days shopping, plus do online shopping/ use amazon.

Why not open a savings account for DC. Ask for contributions to that. Or sell the unwanted gifts and put it into the savings account.

I wouldn't get into a rage, just work your way around it.

I would say ‘no presents please - I hate the waste and I know you don’t like to get lists or ideas’ then when they say ‘but we always ask’ say ‘then why do you always ignore the suggestions?’

I’d be interested in the answer - she sounds like she’s used to ignoring people and doing whatever she fancie.

Ask your mother what she wants then ignore and giver her the steam mop back with a big passive aggressive bow on it.

I can't believe how rude these people are pressing for gift ideas and then totally ignoring the suggestions. Why bother asking at all?

When my son was at nursery school he was invited to the birthday party of a boy I didn't know. For some reason I got down to the birthday boys level and asked what he would like as a present. He said a Barbie doll.

I'll be honest: I struggled with the idea of buying a Barbie doll for a boy. But then I went to the shop and bought one because I'd asked him and that's what he wanted.

I agree with the suggestion that it could be a power play, if that would be in character for one or both of them. I have a weird situation where my parents have been divorced for years but my mother contrives to direct almost all communication between me and my father through her. He'll ask what I want for Christmas or birthday, I'll tell him. He'll then give me something else because my mother will have told him that, no, that's what I really need. The subtext always being that I can't be trusted to buy myself decent shoes/ a new coat. Even though I'm nearly forty.

Haha my mum is like this too!! And I've learnt now after many years to say you want nothing and have no expectations. She always promises extravagant gifts too and never delivers. Thus far I'm still waiting on:

• An American style fridge freezer as a wedding gift (we got nothing)
• A Pandora bracelet (I got a teatowel instead 🤣)
• Chanel perfume
• A cot when DD was born. She's now 6.

She does it to the kids now and I think they know that their gran sends crap presents. She asks what they'd like and ignores what I say. Because she lives abroad and there may not be the same brands I always ask for generic stuff - so this year for DD a dolly and DS a toy car. Simple enough, right?. Today I received in the post a bird house for them to share. We don't get birds in our garden because there's a total of 8 cats in surrounding homes so birds stay well away. She knows this. I wonder if she won it in a raffle or something
Other weird gifts the kids have received over the years:

• Empty picture frames
• a beaded necklace when DD was 2
• rosary beads - we're not Catholic
• crystal Ornaments when DD was 3. That went in the attic
• keyrings

I probably sound supremely ungrateful, and TBF her gifts do provide amusement but i do wish just once she'd get them a fecking teddy

@getgoingnowshowing

Kitchen stuff for gifts is brilliant! I asked for (and got) a Le Creuset stewpot for my 21st bday. And asked a few people for cash/vouchers a few years later so I could get a decent mixer. I have been given dehumidifiers twice for Xmas (my first conked out after a few years) and was thrilled both times.

Maybe I'm boring.

YANBU. Ever since I was a child my immediate and extended family (now larger since marriage and DCs) have all made Christmas lists. No one dares deviate!

I'd be giving the same list every year. So this year I'd say "oh DH still needs a belt and I still need slippers" make a point of it.

I worry I'll end up like this. My DD is 3 and points to an advert and says she'd like that. I say oh right see what father christmas brings but I think "you're not getting that shite". There's probably an age where I need to change my thought process on that.

My mum has always been rubbish and my dad is starting to join her (he used to be a moderating force). Thankfully they’ll often give money which is far better. My parents are pretty good with the 0-6 age group and then seem to have a total block on buying appropriate things.

Tell them nothing.
Don't even bother to unwrap in front of them if you really don't want a thing.
Of course, they will say something. Tell them because you didn't want anything.

A toaster instead of a belt. You could easily have exchanged, asked for the receipt or given it back.

It's not about getting it instead of the belt, its that they are not listening.

YANBU We have and had this going on. It's just really weird.

@FairiesontheSwing I don't mind kitchen stuff if it's what I asked for or something needed. It saves me buying it, we don't have loads over after bills. Otherwise it's just more unwanted stuff that takes up space, we don't have a lot of storage.

I don’t get many presents now and no one really asks what I want so there’s often a few things kicking around after Christmas that aren’t ever going to get used.

I take the attitude that:

The present has done its job in making the giver feel good about giving it

It’s now mine to do with as I please

What pleases me is getting rid of it

Most of the time what I get is nice but not needed by me however I have to get presents for others or donate to a school raffle or something

Sorting donations takes time I don’t have

Therefore passing the gifts to the school raffle solves that problem

Therefore effectively I have been gifted an afternoon of not having to go shopping for something I neither want nor need

Win-win-win as far as I’m concerned

They're definitely sending messages. I expect they felt a play kitchen 'inappropriate' for a boy and they think that you and (perhaps to a lesser degree) your dh should be asking for practical/house stuff rather than things for yourselves. I'm guessing this is ultimately about putting the rebel in her place.

I wouldn't bring the issue up at all. When they ask what you would like, just say 'Get what you like; we've noticed you never act on our suggestions so we've decided not to give you any'. Don't ask them what they would like and get them vouchers.

I'd also sell unwanted gifts of decent value, or give them to someone else who would appreciate them.

Bil and sil are like this. Lovely people. Buy complete shite. Mainly for dh. Bil has his own wish list, that gets circulated around the family (ridiculous for a 50 year old), as do their kids. If bil and sil got presents they didn’t like or want, they’d be in the charity shop by new year. We no longer do presents with them for this reason.

I'd pretend they are broken, ask for a receipt to exchange for new not broken and buy what I wanted. They are idiots, why ask if you're gonna ignore? Not sure how people can be that stupid, that's actually actively being thick.

It is a gift, not an entitlement. Many people do not have the choice or money to spend on presents. Just ask for a donation to charity perhaps, via one of the charities that buys an animal for someone in developing country?

Fondue, slow cooker, breadmaker, yoghurt maker, jam thermometer, preserving jars, sausage maker, melon baller, cherry stoner, apple slicer/wedger, food dehydrator, sous vide cooker and bag sealer to go with.....

Cuddly toy....😂🐻

@Rubychard mine are the same! Such bizarre presents over the years, wine glasses that hold a pint-recycled, a 3 feet high plant pot, full of soil and bulbs which we had to pick up from the pil’s house and transport back home 4 hours away. That was fun! We stopped exchanging gifts years ago (thank god!)

I would just stop indulging your parents in this nonsense...

A simple "mum, you never get us anything we've suggested, so just surprise us with something you've chosen" will do.

My mother can be similar with me. I have an amazon list which has things I’d like to buy on it. If I get a windfall I’ll get something for myself from it. It has books, pictures, odd things that I can’t quite justify the cost of on it. My mother always asks what I would like for Christmas and I say there are some ideas on this list. She then declares that there is nothing on that list that she thinks I would like. Um. Everything on that list is things I would like! It’s just not the sort of things that the daughter she would have liked to have should like.

Some people give bizzare gifts. That's in their nature. They don't do it for hidden pa reasons... They just maybe don't have much money, choice of shop, etc and not much brain time to think about what someone wants.

Some people however, have all the resources to hand and can be very good gift givers. They can also use presents to send messages.

When my dc are much older and perhaps living in their own place I think I'll ask them what they want, give them that and also a few other surprises. And or cash.

Have you tried asking why they do this?

@Cherrysoup the list is truly bizarre. I usually faired slightly better being a woman but I have had some odd ones like a guide to dating with a historical slant (are they tryi nvm to tell me something?), and when I was pregnant a microwaveable heat pack that looked like it cost £5, and I already had several (as I’m sure everyine has one).

Dh however, is a whole different league. He once got a t shirt several sizes too small (barely fitted me and I was a size 10 at the time). One year they asked for suggestions. I gave them a couple and they ignored them . As a consequence, I didn’t give these ideas to other people, so after Christmas I had to go and get them myself for him. The last year we did presents they asked if he would like a telescope (bils new hobby). I told them nope, he has no interest in it. If all else fails they get him whisky, we have several unopened bottles still as he does not drink the stuff. Give me strength.

You made me laugh though with the “glass that holds a bottle of wine”. Bil is a big wine hogger. We nearly bought him one of these once. Are you sure no one is making a passive aggressive dig at you??