To get the rage when my parents ask what I want as a gift then ignore it

[getgoingnowshowing]

So my Parents do this every Christmas and birthday to me, my DH and my DS. What is the point in asking what type of thing you'd like if you intend to take no notice? It's not a budget thing, as I usually ask for something not particularly high cost. Or they say we are looking to spend £100 on DS (only grandchild) what would he like? Or give us a list of ideas. They never buy anything I suggest.

When DS was turning one they asked what we wanted them to get him. I asked for a play kitchen, he had all the food and bits already. It was a wooden hape one about £60 I suggested, but they could of got something similar like the IKEA one. They said it "wasn't appropriate" So he didn't get that.
I suggested I'd like slip on slippers last year for Christmas when they asked. I sent a pic of the type of style and said don't mind on colour, material, brand. Nothing unusual, so could of got anywhere. I got given a steam mop, not a cheap one either it cost £130 from Lakeland.

Same for DH on his birthday, I said he could do with a leather belt, said size, plain black or brown , M&S type thing. They got him a £50
toaster. We have a lovely toaster already, works not old, good brand. So now we have a spare toaster.

Grrr I don't want to be ungrateful, but I told them I don't need anything for Christmas this year. My mum has been endlessly asking and texting me for ideas, but again she won't be getting anything from DS' list I sent over. Why do they do this? They aren't old old, they regularly go to a large shopping centre for a days shopping, plus do online shopping/ use amazon.

I will never forget being asked what I wanted for xmas OP from my mum.I said I would love a black bat winged leather jacker...think early 80s high fashion. I got a purple leather jacket with no resemblance what so ever to a bat wing jacket....It was horrific but much better quality she said than the one you wanted ....now I was 12 ish then I am approaching err 50s now and it still gives me the rage!!!! And every year I asked for a Mr Frosty never got one of those either !!!! It is a control thing sadly,,....For my 40th birthday I bought myself both!!!

Are you sure they are not regifting others peoples presents they have been given to your family?

@Lana08 before now, my mother has given me back a gift I gave her!

Which as a single parent, with literally no one who buys me a Christmas present (other than the token gift I buy myself from my children), it's a bit crap

I thought i was the only person who got a mop for christmas!! (it was from the inlaws) . I used to find it weird that they'd go to the bother of buying a mop or other household item for me or DH but don't generally get anything for DC. They always give them money "because they don't know what they want" . They thought my house was a tip said the kids had too many toys so they wouldnt get those. Now DC are teen/tween money is more appealing but when they were little like 3 or 4 they would probably been happier with a book that cost a couple of quid!

My parents and my sister do this and it used to give me the rage too so YNBU. A few years ago I stopped telling them what I wanted and although it hasn’t improved the quality of the gifts I receive it has taken away the frustration my end.

My parents are lovely people but awful at buying presents -not mean just get it wrong. I've always said that as a kid book tokens & socks would have done me fine. Instead 4 separate Christmases I got chess sets. The first one when I was 10 I tried to get into it - Dad had made me a board - used that for years as a drawing slope. The fourth I was thirties hadn't played since I was 11 and realised that chess is boring - the gift upset me. Then a few years later in a Secret Santa one of my brothers decided it would be funny to give me another set...as one of the only 2 presents I got that year...it was the last straw. I'd spent ages making sure my nephews and nieces - and my Secret Santa got exactly what they would like. I cried for hours and it triggered full scale depression. Still don't know what he was thinking - he's normally OK - and he knew I had an issue...

My mum is sort of similar. She
Asks what I want and will get something similar but not quite the same or just gets me something that is unsuitable and just takes up room in my already small house. She used to do similar when I was growing up but would get my cousins etc something they asked for it’s all control with her.

I wish she wouldn’t bother.

Yes I know I sound ungrateful but I hate clutter. It’s annoying for me to sort and dispose of and it’s bad for the planet.

My mum has an annoying habit of buying DD toys she won’t play with or things we already have despite being told they aren’t needed and to stop buying stuff. It’s all about her rather than the recipient.

I don’t think people should be grateful for thoughtless gifts...

Have you said to them 'why are you asking when you've ignored it the last 10 years!?'

Uhh I did once ask for a simple food mixer for making cakes with DS, but no I didn't get it. I got a wooden garden bench. It's nice enough, handy for sitting on, especially when stirring your cake mix by hand So no I don't think you can predict them.

Actually, if you mentioned that you were going to bake cakes with your DS, then this is probably not as random as it looks.

Your DS didn't get the kitchen he wanted, and you didn't get the mixer that your DS would have been using too. There's clearly some reason they don't think your DS should be in the kitchen.

A bit short sighted if so, since there are so many male chefs out there.

Just give them back the toaster and say "oh, people always give gifts that they would like" brightly to them.

Are you sure they are not regifting others peoples presents they have been given to your family?

There might be some truth in this. They might have the same hopeful optimism as the Pirate Memory Game man from Little Britain - or maybe Monty Python's cheese shop assistant. If you somehow managed to beat the 100,000 to 1 odds and actually asked for something they happened to have in their regifting pile, you might well get it; but the rest of the time, you'll just get what they have 'in stock'.

Alternatively, if they are really trying to be nasty and controlling, they might be wanting to deliberately make sure that they don't buy you something you want - and also that nobody else does, as you didn't tell anybody else because it was already on the list you gave to them. Maybe if you asked them for a load of terrible stuff you definitely don't want, you might call their bluff and cause them, out of sheer spite and nastiness on their part, to give you exactly what you wanted!

My mil always did this. She asked me for suggestions on outfits for dc. Id spend ages looking and then send her the links. She would always do her own thing.

So i started saying ‘anything would be lovely’ and take no further interest.

Do the same to them until they get the message.

Mum wants a scarf? Great, get her a pedal bin.
Dad wants a new watch? Get him a sock subscription and a garden hose.
They’d like theatre tokens? Buy them a year’s supply of a food item you know they don’t like.

Seriously, why havent you told her there's no point in telling her?

My DM has done this. 1st November I get the dreaded text "what do you want or Xmas. You've got until the end of November" . Considering I'd asked her the week before if there was anything she'd like for Christmas to be given the usual boring, unfunny reply "peace and quiet". Ffs I'm nearly 52 and I don't have children and I don't visit as much as I feel I should. But previously if I've told her what I'd like, I like practical things eg a mandolin slicer, I've been told "no I'm not getting you that".

It's the middle of November and there is nothing she could get me that I can't get myself. I doubt very much if she would give me money to buy a dolls house bathroom I'd like for £175.

My bil and sil are like this. Drives me potty! They ask for a list and then never ever ever get anything even close to what's on it.

I want to be petty and get them shite back but DH says no we have to rise above it.

My DM's other annoying habit is I'd like a present for £25. My sister would like a present costing £30. My DM would buy me something unsuitable for £5 so she has spent the same on both of us. I honestly don't care if my sister's present cost £5 more but if she wanted to make up the difference just buy me a £5 voucher from the Range so I can buy craft stuff and not another sodding umbrella or pair of gloves.

Are you sure they are not regifting. They don't have anyone who'd buy them these relatively expensive things. My parents parents are long gone, and my only sibling , my brother is the biggest selfish stinge bag . He only gives cards, which he prints himself from some internet meme's. He won't even pay to post them, so you might receive it the next time you see him months later. None of my parents siblings give birthday gifts. At Christmas part of the family does secret Santa but the price limit is £25 token gift.

Unless they are keeping these gifts from a mystery person a secret so they can regift to me, but then why ask what we want?

@MulticolourMophead ahhhh yeah true. I'm going to text my mum and say as she's not buying from DS' list I asked him what else he'd like and he says he wants a doll with a pink dress

I sure as hell would be getting your father's share of the money he promised for your mother's gift or tell him your mother will find out he stiffed you for it and lied through his teeth

I have this with my MIL. My husband (hard to buy for) gets word for word his whole list to exactly £100 (the budget). I make a list of less than £50 of items I really want/need and get one plus a load of things I didn't ask for. My Christmas list was copying and pasting the things I didn't get before when she asked what I wanted. Hopefully that'll do the trick!

I'm with you OP. I'd be raging too.

"What do you want for Christmas, Sweetheart?"

"Oh, nothing special. Just something for the house"

Then getting a toaster would be acceptable.

"What would you like for Christmas, my darling daughter?"

"I'd like this please!"

Then you open a toaster.

It's like some passive aggressive way of saying

"Fuck you! I don't care what you want! You'll get what I think you deserve!!"

It's nasty, unnecessary and some horrible way of demonstrating that they're not listening to a word you're saying.

YANBU. Mother in law does this - ds wanted something for one birthday and she had said she would get it. It wasnt expensive (and a lot less than what she did buy him so it wasnt a money thing). It was something he desperately wanted and he was so disappointed - he has SN so didnt really understand. We had to make an unplanned shopping trip and try to make out that going out to get it himself (with some money we gave him) was part of a treat.

You could do the 'just money and I will buy for you' and be sure to get the money first.

But make a standard list to be given every single time they ask. List all the impossibly expensive things you can imagine and repeat for all events (and sell what they do give you). Don't ever ask what they wish for and give them what you consider 'appropriate' things, perhaps they will see reason, otherwise you can have some fun choosing weird stuff for them.

Please when you visit next tell your df he owes you money from last year's gift and make sure your dm is present.

The best way of getting through may be to point out that if you give them a much wanted gift idea, nobody else will buy it so the person won't get it at all.

Which is probably why they do it.

OP, you should definitely get the money your father owes you. Don't feel awkward about asking, they don't feel awkward about deliberately not getting what you've asked for.

I'd also put an end to this farce. Tell them you've decided to stop with the gifts, and that if they ignore you, you'll send the stuff to the charity shop.