To get the rage when my parents ask what I want as a gift then ignore it

[getgoingnowshowing]

So my Parents do this every Christmas and birthday to me, my DH and my DS. What is the point in asking what type of thing you'd like if you intend to take no notice? It's not a budget thing, as I usually ask for something not particularly high cost. Or they say we are looking to spend £100 on DS (only grandchild) what would he like? Or give us a list of ideas. They never buy anything I suggest.

When DS was turning one they asked what we wanted them to get him. I asked for a play kitchen, he had all the food and bits already. It was a wooden hape one about £60 I suggested, but they could of got something similar like the IKEA one. They said it "wasn't appropriate" So he didn't get that.
I suggested I'd like slip on slippers last year for Christmas when they asked. I sent a pic of the type of style and said don't mind on colour, material, brand. Nothing unusual, so could of got anywhere. I got given a steam mop, not a cheap one either it cost £130 from Lakeland.

Same for DH on his birthday, I said he could do with a leather belt, said size, plain black or brown , M&S type thing. They got him a £50
toaster. We have a lovely toaster already, works not old, good brand. So now we have a spare toaster.

Grrr I don't want to be ungrateful, but I told them I don't need anything for Christmas this year. My mum has been endlessly asking and texting me for ideas, but again she won't be getting anything from DS' list I sent over. Why do they do this? They aren't old old, they regularly go to a large shopping centre for a days shopping, plus do online shopping/ use amazon.

Just politely tell you mother there is no point in asking she may as well just surprise you because she never goes with the suggested options.

Specifically but nicely mention the belt and day you would rather she just choose.

That's a much better way of phrasing it. DM can pull the "how ungrateful" card if you say too directly, "why bother asking, you take no notice?"

It's about phrasing that diplomatically. And very close to poster above, I'd go with "We look forward to whatever you surprise us with, as you never go with the options we put forward"

That's spelling it out to her without her being able to pull any deliberately offended response.

The best way of getting through may be to point out that if you give them a much wanted gift idea, nobody else will buy it so the person won't get it at all.

Ooh, I feel your pain. Not as much as my DH though after last year's "smelly-gate".

His sister has form for going off-list, despite getting a bit pissy if others do it to her. 35 years of sibling hood and she bought him a cheap set of smellies instead of any of the cheap / reasonably priced things he actually wanted.

Clearly she'd argued with her own husband about it because before mine had even ripped all the paper off, BIL said "don't worry - I've sorted your birthday present".

We give a lot to charity on 27th dec - every year!

YANBU

We have this with MiL.

Every year she starts asking about 3 months before Christmas/birthday what the kids would like

Every year I give her a whole raft of ideas within her budget. Every year she says she doesn’t want to buy any of those things do I have any other ideas. I give her a few more ideas - guess what? Doesn’t want to buy those either. Won’t give money, won’t give vouchers, won’t buy a subscription to magazines, contribute to a larger family present or make a charity donation in their name.

Last year she bought my horse riding-make up detesting-glitter hating DD about 10 gift make up and toiletry gift sets from Asda. The year before she bought her a full on flouncy dress and sequinned handbag. All of which are sitting unused in DD’s bedroom - DD then feels ungrateful and guilty that she doesn’t use them.

It does my head in.

I think she has very strong ideas on what young teen girls should be like. DD is the polar opposite so she buys this stuff as some sort of display of disapproval

Sounds like power play to me also. Dh parents do the same.

A briefcase for a 16yo girl! Amazing!

Annoyingly, I ask my brother what he wants and he always says to surprise him as I always buy such good gifts. Pressure much! This year he is getting a set of 4 different flavour vegan parmesans.

Bizarre! Seems that they buy what they think they may like ! Perhaps they thought the play kitchen not suitable for a boy ? Are they old fashioned or just a bit pig headed . Why anyone would want a steam mop instead of slippers is just odd ! Can you say to them "Mum/Dad We appreciate the gifts but wasnt what we asked for and see what they say ?

It's a control thing. She's saying that she knows better than you. This happened to me on a very significant birthday where my dm offered to buy me a particular type of item but I was to choose the specific one. I chose a really nice one within her budget and sent her a photo. I was happy. She then left me a clipped message saying she had one or two points to make about it (ie why I couldn't have it) then spent the next week sending me photos of ones in town I might like. I said I liked the one I had chosen. She was cross and tossed an M&S voucher on the side when she came round to our house for a meal on my birthday. I was very hurt.

In your situation you may gently need to say perhaps she might give you vouchers/money as she doesn't seem keen on your ideas. I know vouchers are a bit soulless but at least you can buy what you'd really like. Yanbu to be upset.

My MIL is always completely reliable with presents. We all get pyjamas - every single year. One year, about 10 years ago, she shocked me with a dressing gown instead, but then at my birthday in February - pyjamas...

It's an affectionate standing joke in our family now - MIL can laugh at herself too!

@flouncyfanny I really should, but maybe it’ll be more fun for me not to Serves her right for ignoring any suggestions for the last 16 years. That said knowing DD she’ll be super polite, and thank DM. Bah!

Yeah well yabu. You're lucky you get any gifts. Just say 'a surprise' next time and act grateful.

They seem to prefer giving you both things for the house, so have a think if there is any kitchen equipment you actually want?

Kitchen equipment is NEVER a suitable gift

Would you give tampax? No then don't give a mop.

Hate kitchen stuff. Especially when DH gets a nice gift

I'd say 'oh, we thought we might as well stop doing presents, it's all a bit pointless and materialistic, isn't it?' That means you won't have to get them anything either.

Although I would still be annoyed that I hadn't been paid for your dad's share of the expensive handbag for your mum. Does your dad ever ask the present question? If so, you could say 'actually, Dad, that's just reminded me... '

DH has already received an ice cream maker a few years back. I have had a mini food processor too as gift from my Parents. Actually my Mums asked to borrow it, I had a panic thinking I'd given it away but found it in the garage, so that should clear some space if she doesn't return it.

Actually I remember asking for one of those tiny tears dolls from Santa when I was a child, that year I got a mini greenhouse. They have form Although I love gardening now.

My dad is like this. Love him to bits but he's totally unaware of other people's needs and wants. He's always been a notoriously shit gift giver -- basically buys stuff he would have wanted at the approximate age of the recipient.

When I was about 8 he bought me a book which was written about 200 years ago and aimed at adults -- it was so wrong it was hilarious. For my DD, who is now about the same age, he'll buy gifts that he would have wanted as a male child in the 1940s. Its ridiculous.

I would mind less if he didn't make an elaborate song and dance about asking what people want. He'll then make alternative suggestions which he deems more appropriate, I will tactfully suggest they are not quite on target and he'll go ahead and buy them anyway.

Ultimately I think if you get a gift of any kind you shut up, smile sweetly and appreciate it, but I do think you can't have it both ways: you either buy on a whim and take the gamble of it being wrong or you ask them what they want and then buy it.

Uhh I did once ask for a simple food mixer for making cakes with DS, but no I didn't get it. I got a wooden garden bench. It's nice enough, handy for sitting on, especially when stirring your cake mix by hand So no I don't think you can predict them.

I am grateful to get gifts, but I would rather stop the exchange, but to quote my Mum it's nice to get something to open. Not that my bench was wrapped.

I think we have the same mother She moans about buying presents, I say I'm happy with money/voucher. No I need something to open apparently!
And yes she asks for ideas, mainly for the DC. She takes the idea but goes off at a tangent. Every time. Usually a second hand or unbranded usually bigger alternative that is almost what was asked for but not quite.

This is my dm. It was particularly bad during my late teens to mid 20s. The present would always be slightly different to what I asked for (even though she asks in August ffs). I asked for a moka pot - I received a cafetiere etc. In the end I said don't bother buying me a present as I don't need anything (by this point she had started buying kitchen equipment and random things like those home facial steaming things that I didn't have room for) she insisted on buying me something so I said a box of Ferrero rochers and 10 years later I receive a box every year

Weirdly she's fine with my dcs. She wants to know exactly what to buy and buys it.

My pil have very fixed gender views for presents, there's no way they'd buy a boy a kitchen.

I genuinely have in the past got quietly upset a bit at Christmas as I look at the gifts I receive and their total lack of relevance to me as a person and my likes and interests compared to the effort I've put in for others. I am extremely easy to buy for as I have specific interests.

This year I've gone a bit no fucks given and those who have made no effort in the past are getting recycled/regifts and I'm only going all out for my friends DC and one sister who I think got the shit end of the stick this year.

When faced with my crappy gifts I'll be all like Ha! You think I made an effort but I didn't! Ha!

They are doing something a bit judgey here, why on Earth would we buy THAT? He can have a TOASTER and show gratitude. There's something really pass agg about it.