To think that assuming someone’s mother tongue when thanking them is really patronising?

[GrapefruitIsGross]

FIL does this and it drives me up the wall.

If he encounters a person who is from a minority and English isn’t their first language, he’ll say hello and thank you in what he guesses is their mother tongue.

So if a person appears to be Chinese, he’ll say xie xie for example. He does it to be kind and welcoming, but it makes my toes curl. What if they’re Korean? Or German? It feels really patronising to me- fair enough if you know the person, but assuming that a stranger speaks a particular language because of their appearance is just so off.

We’re Irish and he’d be most put out if a stranger assumed he was English, so I don’t understand why he does it to other people!

It’s patronising, othering and racist. Those of you who are saying “aww he doesn’t mean anything by it” need to check your white privilege and actually educate yourself. I can’t believe in this day and age people still think shit like this is OK. It sounds like something out of a bad (racist) 70s sitcom.

It’s patronising, othering and racist. Those of you who are saying “aww he doesn’t mean anything by it” need to check your white privilege and actually educate yourself.

that's a lot of assumption about the posters you know nothing about... just saying.

As he is a bit older, I can understand it
Oh, the irony

Aaaargh no I fucking hate it. People do it with me here in Germany sometimes (when they manage to figure out that the heavily Glaswegian dialect that I speak to my kids in is English, which is not actually that often - once I've been asked what language I was speaking, and once someone interrupted me talking to the kids to offer us a flyer for English classes!) and it just makes me feel like I've failed at German. Honestly the best thing anyone can do for a non-native speaker if you want to help them feel at home is to stick to the language of the country and if you want, make an effort to speak clearly and slowly (without doing the old DO. YOU. SERVE. EGG. AND. CHIPS. SENOR. sort of thing obv ]

I was one asked in a foreign country - in English - by somebody if I was English, clearly as a precursor to asking for directions. I said "No, I'm Irish" and she said in an exasperated tone "Oh - I don't SPEAK Irish!" and stormed off. It was glorious. I wonder how long it took her to realise that our exchange had happened in English?

As for the OP's AIBU- it's only polite to do it if the person is clearly struggling to speak English and your Chinese is better than their English and the conversation will go better - but won't offend them - if you switch to Chinese.

Otherwise you come off as a bit of a jerk, IMO.

YANBU it can be rude to guess. Mind you, I'm terrible with this stuff and would get it so so wrong lol.

If he was chatting to someone and in the course of the conversation learned they were from a particular country and actually spoke the language of that country then saying good-bye in that language MIGHT be a nice gesture. Otherwise ... noooooooo. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

Someone needs to point out to him that you cannot assume someone's country of origin (or their parents or grandparents or great grandparents country of origin) or the languages they speak based on how they look.

Is he a native Irish speaker? Would that work as an analogy? Does he expect someone looking at him to be able to tell?

My daughter in law's family was originally from China and she would have no clue what he was on about. She doesn't speak Chinese at all, she's English.

It's unreasonable because surely he gets it wrong a LOT more than he gets it right?

Aside from the fact that guess what country someone is from based purely on the way they look is REALLY difficult, there's also the fact that many people are 2nd/3rd generation immigrants who may not speak the language of their parents/grandparents and then the fact that many countries have multiple languages.

Honestly if he can guess someone's native language just by looking at them and get it right more than about 5% of the time, he has a special talent.

@JusticeForSandra so you think it is ok to deliberately make other people feel crap just because they have an accent and/or a different colour skin for your own nosiness? That's what @gingersausage is saying in blunt English.

We’re Irish and he’d be most put out if a stranger assumed he was English

Why? If someone "accused" me of being Irish or Scottish (or American) I'd just say "oh no I'm from the UK and live in [county].

I absolutely hated it when random strangers would decide to speak in German to me, it was really annoying why was it annoying? How are they supposed to know where you are from by telepathy?

Just realised I made the cardinal mistake there, having inserted Scottish after I'd said "UK". I meant, of course, England.

At least he's not like my FIL who is from the school of YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOUT IN ENGLISH AND THE FOREIGNERS WILL UNDERSTAND.

Bloody bloody hate it when people greet me or thank me in my assumed tongue. Which I don’t speak.

I’m not ungrateful - I know they have the best intentions - but it really grates inside.

Just in case anyone hasn't seen this before:

why was it annoying? How are they supposed to know where you are from by telepathy?

It was annoying because I’m not German, we weren’t in Germany, and I actually spoke the local language fluently. So when I would speak to someone in the local language and they replied in German, it was a bit of a kick in the teeth. Also I don’t speak German so it would actually slow the conversation down considerably.

We’re Irish and he’d be most put out if a stranger assumed he was English

Why? If someone "accused" me of being Irish or Scottish (or American) I'd just say "oh no I'm from the UK and live in [county].

History and the perils of being a small(er) nation. Irish people (of whom I'm one) get really irritated at the assumption that they're English simply because they speak English (maybe because of why they speak English?). I'm told Canadians get similarly irritated at being taken for American; and New Zealanders at being taken for Australians. The Irish/English thing is exacerbated by the history. But I think we (Irish, Canadian, New Zealanders) rankle at our accents being lumped in with the accent of the larger country because we think they're clearly different. There might be some chips on shoulders but maybe with some justification as along with the confusion of accent there can be a general lumping in of all things associated with the country and culture. If the "offender" defends their position with "ah well they sound the same" they may also follow up with variations on "sure the two countries are more or less the same" or words to that effect. It will bother some people more than others.

I will admit that I have to work really hard and still fail on occasion on the accent distinguishing test even though I'm aware of the sensitivities. So personally I reckon that it is easy to do and as long as there's a "Oh sorry" and no attempt to defend the mistake it isn't a big deal to me.

I have a very dark skinned friend who your husband would probably assume is Indian. He's Portuguese.
Fine if he knows exactly what their mother tongue is otherwise he'll come across as a prat to be honest.

Oh god. This is so cringe. I'm olive/brown depending on the season (mixed race) but only speak minority languages associated with each of my parents' countries, not majority ones. But I get people speaking to me in everything from Spanish to Hindi to Arabic. Not once has someone attempted a language I actually speak. If your FIL spoke to me in some random language he'd pulled out of a hat, I'd probably just speak back to him in something equally random.

I sometimes have people yell “nihao” at me. I’m not Chinese. I don’t speak mandarin.

It annoys me because of the things that have been raised already; in particular, making a point that I look like a foreigner. Also because sometimes it’s said by people in an aggressive manner with a smirk on their face, which I can only assume is their racism manisfesting.

Having said that, it is fine if someone asks me what my cultural background is, and then attempts to speak my language.

It’s not a good thing to do.

A friend of mine is white and has a Japanese husband. When she is out with the kids in America she often gets people commending her on adopting a Chinese baby. It’s so rude to make assumptions about people based on their looks. It may seem harmless but it can be upsetting for people.

There i s a big difference between assuming that someone with a turban is Sikh, or that a woman in a headscarf is a muslim, and assuming that a mixed race child is adopted.

I think it's more problematic if it's to a person of colour to be honest, it smacks of exoticising them. If it's thinking someone is from another European country then probably not offensive.

People have complicated relationships with their heritage! Adoption etc.

But the OP said that he assumes that Asian people are Chinese. That’s actually pretty offensive. How about saying “Jambo” to black people? It is racist to assume you can tell a person’s nationality based on their ethnicity.