To think that assuming someone’s mother tongue when thanking them is really patronising?

[GrapefruitIsGross]

FIL does this and it drives me up the wall.

If he encounters a person who is from a minority and English isn’t their first language, he’ll say hello and thank you in what he guesses is their mother tongue.

So if a person appears to be Chinese, he’ll say xie xie for example. He does it to be kind and welcoming, but it makes my toes curl. What if they’re Korean? Or German? It feels really patronising to me- fair enough if you know the person, but assuming that a stranger speaks a particular language because of their appearance is just so off.

We’re Irish and he’d be most put out if a stranger assumed he was English, so I don’t understand why he does it to other people!

I think it’s horrifically cringe

What's made me laugh is he gets annoyed if someone assumes he's English? English and The Irish look exactly the same, I can't tell either unless one of them opens their mouth.

Also definitely tell him to stop, I've had strangers try speak to me in Chinese and I'm not Chinese, because of my "eyes" but where I'm from in Central Asia we all have "this look" unless anyone knows exactly what language the stranger speaks I think it's incredibly rude! Show him this thread !

Ugh! Please ask him to stop. I'm brown-skinned and from India, but I HATE it when people assume I speak Hindi. We have hundreds of languages, at least 20 officially recognised ones. I am proud of my heritage and my native language. And I'm endlessly annoyed by people just assuming it's Hindi. Gah.

I did have a man of Ghanaian ethnicity drop off some packages the other day and he asked me what my native language was and said a few words in it, and I thought that was lovely!

As others have said above - if he knows for sure it's their language, it's a lovely warm thing to do, if he is assuming based on how they look it's likely to be very annoying when he gets it wrong.

Oh this reminds me of a mildly embarrassing encounter in an Indian restaurant in the UK. I'd gone there with my trilingual Indian friend, and she was ordering - the Indian waiter had an Indian accent, so my friend spoke to him in Bengali (a reasonable assumption to make, given the situation) and he answered "I'm sorry ma'am, I don't understand, I'm from X local British town!"

It was funny at the time but also showed that you can't make assumptions!

I’ve experienced this myself, and seen it happen to friends, and more often than not it is awkward as people are usually wrong... but because the offender was doing it ‘out of niceness’ we have to grin and bear it.

Also, I'd like to know how your FIL addresses second-generation white immigrants, like me. Pick a European langauge at random?

Or, oh I don't know, maybe fail to notice that we're 'not from round here' at all, because of the colour of our skin?

I wonder if the people excusing this behaviour are white British? Alot of us who have explained that we are fed up of this are either not or second or third generation immigrants. Please listen to us if you behave like this, you might think you are being sweet and kind but you are only reinforcing that we are "different".

"guessing" a nationality is odd, but what's wrong with acknowledging that someone IS a foreigner? Even if you've spent 30 years in this country but still have your mother tongue's accent, how can you be offended because someone notice said accent?
Well, I get annoyed and defensive in some parts of the UK because nearly every person I meet tells me where they think I'm from and that I have an accent. Of course I don't mind them noticing, but after the nth time I do mind being triumphantly told where I'm from and that I have an accent. Do they think I don't know?

..and, the Irish diaspora. Does he address everyone of Irish descent, or who looks a bit like / whose name sounds like they might be of Irish descent, in Irish? I do hope so. He'd be a massive hypocrite if not, would he not?

And that's surely a fairly easy example, given there is one predmoninant Irish language, not seven or twenty.

@satanstoenailsandwich oh that’s why! Should have quoted Father Ted not Conor McGregor !

I love doing that!

Its a difficult one because people do it all the time in europe. The number of times ive been in holiday in Europe and people have started speaking English to me before ive said anything. I must look English speaking rather than Italian or French etc

I'm not English living in UK. It's not a visible (to see people's face changing when I start speaking and they can hear my accent is always a good one).

I hate it when people throw at me the few words they know in my native tongue. They think they are so clever and original but everyone does it. Cringey smile !

"guessing" a nationality is odd, but what's wrong with acknowledging that someone IS a foreigner? Even if you've spent 30 years in this country but still have your mother tongue's accent, how can you be offended because someone notice said accent?

Because you are more than that. You're always reminded that you're not part of 'us'.
I hate when I talked to someone new, and the first thing is to ask me where I'm from. No response to my original interaction just 'oh where is that accent from?' even when it's not malicious, it's annoying.

I have a relative who was overheard saying very loudly and slowly to the grandparents of a friends of DS's, "Welcome to our country". They had come to visit from the home counties, not Karachi as imagined by my relative. I still blush thinking about it.

Good grief, that’s bizarre...

I think it's cringey. Also there must be a high likelihood of guessing the wrong language, thus compounding the "you look Foreign and an outsider" with "I'm now stereotypically labelling you to suit my own preconceptions".

YANBU. I look Asian (but I am not - Latin descent) and so many times have been asked about my Chinese or Vietnamese or etc. heritage. Recently the gentleman sitting next to me on the place was insistent that I was half Vietnamese at least.
I had to go for "not as a far as I am aware" for him to stop as it gave him the option to not lose face (as I could be and not be aware of it).

@hazell42, “Why would you tentatively guess their origin?
Why not should say, 'Country of Birth?'
Then they can tell you.”
You’re right, but as she’d shown me her name written down rather than spelling it and I recognised it, it felt warm to say Oo, are you from such a such country. Getting someone’s data for a form can be very dry. Agree it can be a bit try hard or worse.

People often wrongly assume that I'm German. I do NOT appreciate it.

I agree with you.

Though oddly when I think about it I haven't found it offensive when it's been done to me. Not sure why!

but what's wrong with acknowledging that someone IS a foreigner? Even if you've spent 30 years in this country but still have your mother tongue's accent, how can you be offended because someone notice said accent?

Because when its one of the first questions people ask, it make sme feel like I am different and I dont belong here. Like this country isnt home. And when you have spent most of your life in that country (aka 20 or 30 years), it feels crap.
Because actually after 30 years in the UK, I have forgotten a lot of my mother tongue (I hardly use it) and 'my' country isnt my country anymore. It's where I am born but not who I am.
And finally, because nowdays, it has this undertone of being lesser than. This didnt use to happen 10 yars ago. When people were asking the question, it was after having seen each other a few times. Or a long ish conversation. its a symptom of the othering hat has been going on in the last 10 years (put that into the context of the 'Go back home' posters from TM etc...)

YANBU.

@GrapefruitIsGross

I think he is trying to be nice, and doesn't mean anything, but YANBU.

I think you may need to say something to him though. Most recipients will not be offended, but one day one might be.

I think it's inappropriate. It's like saying your mixed race kids are cute with a bit of both colours in there IYSWIM. It's trying to be nice, and is not coming from a bad place, but it actually comes across as terribly condescending and cringeworthy.

And as a number of posters have said, it's assuming this particular person is not part of this country (which, in many cases, they probably are.)

As he is a bit older, I can understand it - not making excuses, just saying that may be why.

As I said, maybe say something to him (gently.)