To think that assuming someone’s mother tongue when thanking them is really patronising?

[GrapefruitIsGross]

FIL does this and it drives me up the wall.

If he encounters a person who is from a minority and English isn’t their first language, he’ll say hello and thank you in what he guesses is their mother tongue.

So if a person appears to be Chinese, he’ll say xie xie for example. He does it to be kind and welcoming, but it makes my toes curl. What if they’re Korean? Or German? It feels really patronising to me- fair enough if you know the person, but assuming that a stranger speaks a particular language because of their appearance is just so off.

We’re Irish and he’d be most put out if a stranger assumed he was English, so I don’t understand why he does it to other people!

If my mum could speak other languages she would be doing this. Instead she just asks people she doesn’t consider to be English where they are from. They will probably answer with something like ‘birmingham’ or ‘london’ or ‘glasgow’ or wherever and then she will say ‘no, I mean where do you actually come from?’ They will repeat their city/town and she will ask again ‘no, I mean where were you born?’ They will repeat. ‘Ok then, where are your family from?’ Still the same place.
It is so rude and she doesn’t get it. She sees it as being interested in them, but I just see it as rude. She is only in her early 60s, so not like she is struggling to understand that people’s grandparents moved over here in the 1950s and have been here ever since. I find her attitude very frustrating but struggling to change it.

I live in a multicultural area, and often someone's appearance, name and accent indicate where they are from or their religion.
I have been assumed to be from a different country and had someone speak to me in that country's language, but it didn't bother me.

People usually say " How did you know that???"

I always try to use my (few) words and phrases of the country I'm in/person I'm speaking to.

In my experience most people appreciate the fact that an insular English person (hard to believe that we're thought of like that) has made at least some effort with their language.

Plus - how can I learn more if I don't use what I know, and am not prepared to make mistakes and be corrected? A German friend often pisses herself at my pronunciation - but then teaches me how to say it properly. She also asks me about English terms she isn't sure of.

Guessing someone's native language on their appearance = wrong and ignorant
Saying please and thank you if you know for sure it is someone's native language = not an issue in my book.

he person has made an effort to come to this country, got a customer facing job, potentially had a baptism of fire getting grips with the local accent, and then someone (although kindly meant) just points out that it’s really obvious you’re a forriner.

"guessing" a nationality is odd, but what's wrong with acknowledging that someone IS a foreigner? Even if you've spent 30 years in this country but still have your mother tongue's accent, how can you be offended because someone notice said accent?

If he tried it with me he would definitely be speaking the wrong language. People, unless they are part of my extended family, presume my originates aren't what they are.

Also many people with family who originate from the Commonwealth e.g. India, Ghana due to the number of other languages, English is one of the official languages.

@Maryann1975 what your mum fails to understand is lots of people who are brown have great grandparents, grandparents and/or parents who were British subjects.

Makes me think of Delboy Trotter!

Oh gosh, that has potential to go very wrong. Assuming nationality by appearance could only make sense to someone who comes from a very racially homegenous area - and assumes everyone else does too.

There are generations of people whose parents emigrated to the UK and who very deliberately brought them up as 'assimilated English / Scottish / Welsh / NI', with no knowledge of the parental familys' language(s), because that seemed to be the best way to fit in, make friends, get ahead and avoid being perceived as other.

I think trying this on for Asian people is a bit off, because many people can’t discern what nationality they are & if he thinks everyone Asian could be Chinese that is not going to go down well at all.

If he knows a person’s nationality & uses their language it might be naff, but not rude

For what it’s worth an Italian & cringe every time some random tries to flex their Italian skills with me, because only know very tough dialect words & it is actually a regret of mine losing my fluency as a kid. So I wouldn’t take offence though

@Maryann1975 there's a comedy sketch for that:

I once offended an Irish guy who had to advise he was from NORTHERN IRELAND

Call me a stupid convict but didn’t realise we were meant to know the difference !

I had this happen and am white French. ”merci”
So it is both on appearance and accent that you stand out.
I did not mind. But if someone thought I were Dutch or German...it would be a different story. So I agree if you know it is ok, if you assume it is not ok.

It’s tricky. I was doing a form with a new client yesterday and tentatively guessed her background. But I did it very tentatively and got the pronunciation of her name correct and there’s wasn’t a big power imbalance- I was there to help.
At a salon once one hairdresser called another one over and she absent mindedly greeted me in her mother tongue. I answered back correctly and we were both poleaxed with confused giggles. Context is everything and as an older, presumably white man he won’t understand microagressions and greeting someone in the language they look like will often land as one.

the only time i do this is when im actually in another country ie in france i would say merci, but other than that in england i presume everyone speaks english

It’s a bit cringy but nice that he tries even if it is misguided .
Have you ever asked him if he’s ever assumed wrong ?

Start addressing him in Ulster Scots for the wind up potential. (Is it a real language? For this purpose- who cares? ).

I think he’s just trying to be nice.
When the locals hear from which country I am and they know a few words in my language and speak them to me, I always smile. Always saw it as them trying to make an effort, never even occurred to me to see it as a negative thing.

@Etinox

Why would you tentatively guess their origin?
Why not should say, 'Country of Birth?'
Then they can tell you.

Sometimes people try too hard. I remember being in Venice with a friend. We were there 4 days, in one of the most densely tourist--populated cities in the world. My friend had spent weeks learning Italian because, she said, when you 'travel' you should make an effort to learn the native language. We were buying cherries in a market, and she was painfully trying to explain what she wanted. Eventually the stallholder got impatient and said, in perfect English, 'Its alright, love, just tell me what you want. Its ok.'
We were holding up the queue just so my friend could show how much she respected 'the indigenous population'
If she had been living there for 10 years it would be different

Nice to know you think I am wrong and ignorant Crunchymum.
I am usually right with my guess and am responded to warmly.
If I were in any doubt, I wouldn't do it.

This reminds me of when I was in Switzerland as a child in the 1970s. We were in a restaurant, and my mum pointed out how typically Swiss the waitress was. When she came over, my mum (who was fluent in German) was talking to her. After a couple of minutes. it came out in conversation that she was from a village a mile away from us in England!

I think it's often impossible to tell where someone comes from.

I would say it can come across a bit impolite, In this day and age and all the mixing of races and cultures we cant assume ones birthplace or ethnicity.
If someone is really interested in greeting in a certain language ,the best thing to do is to ASK, and not assume.

I am Portuguese but I live in the UK. People assume Im American cause I speak with an american accent. When I tell them im portuguese they try to speak Spanish, or they ask hows the weather in Brazil.

It irritates me that people assume Portuguese is like Spanish which it isn't at all.... at all. People thinking only Brazilians speak portuguese (Portugal colonized it so duh) And people that say I speak like a yanke so I must be one.

Moral: Do not assume, just ask if your curiosity cant hold it.