My feed

to access all these features


AIBU to ask if you would have had a child alone

130 replies

howsoontheyfly · 14/11/2019 18:06

Not for me - family member. Planning to have a baby with donor sperm.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

suitcaseofdreams · 16/11/2019 18:34

Would suggest you/family member speak to people who have had children via donor conception rather than asking people who haven’t, whether they would have as that’s all just hypothetical...

Donor Conception Network and Fertility Friends online forum are both good places to make contacts and research the pros and cons and DCN has regular meet ups and occasional workshops for single women considering donor conception

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 16/11/2019 18:42

I wouldn't have but I might have adopted or fostered if I had got to a certain age and still been single.

carolina21 · 16/11/2019 18:43

Up to the own person . No one else's judgements

AntiStuff · 16/11/2019 18:46

I was considering it when I met my partner at 37. I have several friends who have done it, and whilst they have found certain aspects of single parenting tough, none of them regrets it.

kitk · 16/11/2019 18:48

It depends on the partner. My ex was a shit that it was actually far easier when he finally went. I'd rather not have a baby without support if I could have one with current DP though. I think your real question is whether you should support your sis through this which is up to you given any relevant history

Abouttimemum · 16/11/2019 18:56

Nope, I love it when my husband comes home from work and takes over and I have a hot cup of tea and a break. We don’t really have any other support.
I might think differently once I’m back at work and not with the baby 24/7 though.
My mum’s friend’s daughter did this with a sperm doner and without consultation expected grandma to help with parenting 50% of the time which has caused huge issues.
I think so long as the individual is under no illusion about how difficult parenting can be and does not expect to receive any help then it’s up to them. I’d imagine in some cases it’s probably easier without the man around from what I’ve read on mumsnet!

Pipandmum · 16/11/2019 19:06

I didn't meet my husband until I was 39 and was facing that dilemma. Once I did get married and had my kids I remember thinking 'what an idiot to think I could do this on my own'.
But I have ended up as a sole patent in the end as my husband died when my kids were 4 and 6. I am lucky as they are healthy and my husband had life insurance which didn't cover the mortgage but meant with clever planning and moving to a more affordable area I haven't had to worry too much about money. But it's still the hardest thing in the world to do.
My sister on the other hand is a single mother to a severely autistic child. Her partner disappeared early on. Her whole life now revolves around her daughter. She would never not want her child but it has totally taken over her life and it is a constant worry now and a worry about the future as the girl will never be able to live independently.
So. Is your family member financially prepared? Is she prepared that her child may be born with health or learning issues? Does she have a good support network? Is she mentally resilient and able to cope with the challenges of bringing up a child? I have no one to turn to when faced with difficult decisions or even every day ones. I have no one who feels my childen's welfare is as important as their own. I worry if I am making the right choices. I have to be bad cop and good cop at the same time. My son does not have a proper male role model. I have had to watch more football than I'd ever want to and be the only mum on the rugby sidelines amongst all the dads every rainy muddy sunday. I am the one who goes to meet with the headmaster over yet another detention. And what if I get sick? The buck stops with me.
To answer your question: no I don't think I would choose to have a child on my own without having a good financial cushion and strong support network of friends and family. And even if I did, I'd have to think really long and hard about it.

JeffreeStar · 16/11/2019 19:10

I will, defo.

Hisdoeherbuck · 16/11/2019 19:10

No I believe a child needs a mother and father

Missillusioned · 16/11/2019 19:17

As a couple, if one of you falls ill you have the other for backup. As a single person you have no backup. You struggle on with colds, bad backs etc, but what if you get really Ill? Like hospital ill? Like life limiting ill? It's a worry that keeps me up at night following a near-miss this summer and that is one of many reasons I wouldn't choose single parenting if it hadn't been forced on me.

notnowmaybelater · 16/11/2019 19:18

Not with a sperm donor no, I think children have a right to know their parents where possible and wouldn't crate a child knowing in advance that they had no right to know one of their genetic parents until they were 18, if then. I know it can work out that way for various reasons, but to set out in advance, pre-conception, to create the situation seems unethical to me.

If I'd got pregnant and the father had sodded off my decision might have been to keep the baby depending on when exactly it had happened. I think in some circumstances being a single parent of one child can work out very well, but being a single parent of more than one would be very hard. I know single parents of one who have really very lovely, quite free, adventurous lives full of travel and adventure. However as soon as you're outnumbered or a child has additional needs it can become very stressful with a lot of slog involved.

Userzzzzz · 16/11/2019 19:42

One child perhaps but it is tough. One of my children has been very poorly recently and with two of us, we’ve found it hard to cope. The needs of the poorly child have been so great that our other child just hasn’t had as much attention as she deserves. This is with me being on mat leave so not even having to juggle work. I admire single parents as it must be so hard if you don’t have back up or support when if things go wrong.

ChicCroissant · 16/11/2019 19:57

No. I was raised by a single parent after my dad left and while it's possible, it's not a choice I'd make.

UpAtTheLake · 16/11/2019 19:58

Yes i would. I wish i had

Stickystick · 16/11/2019 20:04

Yes (do it) - easier without a partner IMO.
Just crack on with stuff.
Means you have to give up some/all “me time”, but if you’ve reached the age/mindset of seriously considering this option, you probably will be more than willing to exchange “me time” for having your own kid.

Purpleartichoke · 16/11/2019 20:06

Before I had dd, I absolutely would have considered being a parent solo. Once I experienced a high needs baby, I would never consider it.

dontcallmeduck · 16/11/2019 20:07

Before I had children then yes I would’ve as it was such a need for me. I wouldn’t have ever been happy without children or without having tried even alone.
But seeing my children with their Dad I realise how much they need him. But then that’s also because he’s a fantastic Dad which not everyone has.

Scarlettpixie · 16/11/2019 20:43

I would have more likely tried to adopt.

user1493413286 · 16/11/2019 20:44

I would have seriously considered it but knowing what I know now about how hard it is i wouldn’t

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/11/2019 20:45

Yes I would

YouJustDoYou · 16/11/2019 20:48

My friend happily did. Has plenty of her own money and property. Own business. Family support. Her and her child are happy - the child does amazingly well academically, no behavioural issues, is close to uncles and grandfather. No need for a father in her case, apparently.

YouJustDoYou · 16/11/2019 20:50

Personally,if I had the support and backup finances and job, even with an extremely high needs baby such as I had, I would absolutely have gone it children saved me. I would be nothing without them.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2019 20:58

Absolutely! But it would have been relatively easy for me as I always had a well paying govt job with 'office hours' & liberal leave policies, lived in an area with great childcare options, and a fantastic family support network.

I got a little 'taster' of single parenting when DH worked out of town for 2 1/2 years and in some ways it was easier with him not around. I set my own schedule, did things as I pleased, and made all child-related decisions on my own.

(PS I know it's not the same as actually being a single parent 24/7/365)

AdmiralJaneway · 16/11/2019 21:10

Yes - I did - agonised over the decision for about two years before finally committing as I wasn’t getting any younger!. DD is now 7 and she has four male figures in my Dad and three brothers.

Bluerussian · 16/11/2019 21:14

You're not unreasonable to ask but this is an anonymous forum and people can say anything.

For the record, I would not have had a child on my own deliberately, accidents can happen and have happened to people I know; I certainly wouldn't have sought a sperm donor! I've never considered I had a right to have a child but was happy to do so with my husband.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.