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AIBU to ask if you would have had a child alone

130 replies

howsoontheyfly · 14/11/2019 18:06

Not for me - family member. Planning to have a baby with donor sperm.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

NameChange84 · 14/11/2019 20:04

I'm in the position where, at 35 and single, given my age it's more likely that I won't get to become a biological mother. Having children of my own is the thing I want more than anything and the fact that it's looking unlikely is causing significant damage to my mental health and self esteem. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Still, I would never go down the sperm donor route and choose to create a child knowing they would never get to know their father because of my own selfish needs. I've read alot of research about adult children of sperm donors and some of the case studies as how these children felt and the emotional damage done was heart breaking. In fact there was a thread on AMA recently by an adult child of a sperm donor who was in alot of turmoil due to how she was conceived and her struggles with her identity. It absolutely cemented my decision, despite the gut wrenching pain I'm dealing with every day.

It's always bandied about here as such an easy fix all solution.

I completely understand and sympathize for the women who do go down this route. I know I would feel fulfilled and much happier if I could go and get myself knocked up now and it's easy to justify the decision and say you have enough love to ensure the child is happy. Adult children of sperm donors need to be open and honest with their experiences and greater awareness is needed in the public eye about the repercussions further down the line. I've heard and read "I wish I was never born" too many times.

PumpkinP · 14/11/2019 20:40

No, I’m a single parent and ex is fully absent (in every way no maintenance etc) I wouldn’t have done it through choice, no.

Tartan333 · 15/11/2019 23:52

yes I would but not sure what I should vote to reflect this

DramaAlpaca · 15/11/2019 23:54

No, definitely not.

ffswhatnext · 15/11/2019 23:55

Yes, I would.

Oct18mummy · 15/11/2019 23:57

If I wanted children and was still single and reaching an age where time was running out, absolutely I would use a sperm donor

Aloe6 · 16/11/2019 00:01

Yes I would. In many ways it’s preferable to having one with a feckless man. At least you know where you stand from the get go.

Sophonax · 16/11/2019 00:04

No. Purely because I didn’t want to enough.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/11/2019 00:05

No. No back up income, no other parent should illness strike, and I never planned children until married and stable re finances and own home.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/11/2019 00:07

Your question is U OP. Babies come along and all plans go out the window. Or they dont, and all plans go out the window.Sad

Experience has taught me that people don't always adhere to your plans.

PickAChew · 16/11/2019 00:08

Just voting yanbu because I wouldn't have ruled it out.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 16/11/2019 00:10

Probably better to use a sperm donor than have a child with someone who isn’t great but then you’re tied to them for 18+ years and dealing with co-parenting, and your child dealing with two homes and all the emotional fallout. Although my first choice would be a good relationship (I guess you never can tell even then though).

Greenmarmalade · 16/11/2019 00:16

Yes. I was a single parent for 6 years and it’s tough. But if it was the only way to have a baby? Yes! Sperm donor is preferable to abusive/crap/absent partner.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/11/2019 00:18

And babies dont adhere to anyone's plans.
Because babies are cunts.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 00:27

Absolutely not.

if the worst happen and their dad dies, you have to deal with it of course. But the idea of being the only one responsible on purpose is terrifying.
Any illness, any surgery, and your child will end up alone.

As importantly, a child has a right to know their father - it's not as easy as people pretend to ignore their need to know where they come from.

People manage despite bad circumstances, but it doesn't mean to start the wrong way on purpose.

I would never have had a child willingly alone.

ThighThighOfthigh · 16/11/2019 00:29

Torn on this one. I'd be very unhappy never to have had children. I think I'd prefer to ask a male friend than a donor if i couldn't find a suitable partner. I think it would be sad for the child to have a donor as the other half of them. That said I'm very sad for my dc that their fathers are absent now. And my Dad was so important to me.

I think the old fashioned way is the best and wish I'd achieved that for my children.

My answer is no.

macpumpkin1 · 16/11/2019 00:34

No, I would have found a gay couple to hopefully sucessfully co-parent with. I would have done this if I had been single at an age where I wanted a child and time wasn't on my side to go down the traditional route. I have friends that have done this and the arrangement is working very well.

Obviouslynotobvious · 16/11/2019 00:36

I think unless you desperately wanted a child, got to late 30s (or younger with known fertility issues) and hadn't met anyone despite trying to settle down you have no idea of what it feels like to make this choice that can be so hard if you really tried to find a partner or lost one whilst time ticks by.

It is so different from thinking about children vaguely but not wanting one, then only deciding to have a child when you meet your partner (in plenty of time). The urgency and panic feelings of time running out can be so awful. Like a feeling of 'can I get to the hospital before my loved one dies?!' intensity, but over years.

Plenty of people choose it first off too but that's for potentially different reasons. Think it's on the up?

I do think it is different to leaving/being left or single when pregnant because you are going into it eyes open, planned, knowing from ttc with donor not just from pregnancy at the end of the relationship etc, that no one will ever share your special parental moments, that you will be doing all the appts, feeds, experience the fears and pride without a partner.

Not saying any is better or worse, but different in my mind. Ramblings over. Hope that was helpful OP!

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 16/11/2019 00:43

Yes without a doubt.
Altho I'm married now. When u had my teen u kicked his df out for dv when he was 18m. I was a single parent from then till I met dh.. Even tho I had a BF we didn't live together erx
And I cam honestly say myself personally found being a single parent easy.. Even when he was a baby I did absolutely everything.. All feeds baths, night waking, illness, everything
It's not the case for everyone but that's my opinion

CareOfPunts · 16/11/2019 00:43

Yes I would have


With the benefit of hindsight it wouldn’t have been a good idea. I adore my children but I’m nowhere near the mum I thought I’d be. Without their dad I reckon my 2 wouldn’t have the best upbringing.

MontStMichel · 16/11/2019 07:32

OTOH, read the thread by the mother struggling with 11 week old twins! I had twins and wondered if it was possible to die of tiredness? No way I could have coped on my own - and twins or more are always a possibility! (I know an identical quad)

Somebodystired · 16/11/2019 07:36

I wouldnt have, because I wouldnt have been brave enough to.

Which would have been fucking awful because i would then be missing out on the most amazing experience and love of my life.

CountFosco · 16/11/2019 09:31

While I know people who become single parents though life circumstances (widowhood or feckless co-parent) can be very good parents I would never choose to have a child alone. I never had that overwhelming urge for a child, in fact I'm slightly suspicious of it because it's so far removed from how I feel. We had our children late and I think if we hadn't had children our lives would have been different but not worse or incomplete. It seems a lot to choose to put on a child, this idea that they complete your life. And then to combine that with choosing to deny them a father? It's a lot for a child. Find your life meaning some other way that doesn't have a potentially negative effect on a child. Be a teacher or social worker or work for a charity or foster or adopt if you are so convinced you need to have a child in your life.

BanginChoons · 16/11/2019 09:43

As a single parent, if i wanted another child, I absolutely would. Families come in all shapes and sizes. I think people having who love you is more important than your specific family structure.

I am the adult child of a sperm donor (I do also have a dad who raised me). I see the donor as someone who gave an incredible gift, nothing more.

Ylvamoon · 16/11/2019 09:44

I think there is a reason why the conception children of children taks 2 people.
Children are hard work, expensive and can be very complex little beings.
They are a mix of 2 different people, and they are the ones that understand them best.
By "cutting out the middle man" you would intentionally deprive your child of understanding half of who they are.
Some children will be perfectly fine with this, others face a lifetime of mental health issues and resentment towards you. Problem is, when going down the donor route, you don't know which one your child is going to be.

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