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AIBU to ask if you would have had a child alone

130 replies

howsoontheyfly · 14/11/2019 18:06

Not for me - family member. Planning to have a baby with donor sperm.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

BanginChoons · 16/11/2019 09:47

Donors are no longer anonymous by the way. So the child would be able to obtain the donors information when they are 18.

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2019 09:59

"i think there is a reason why the conception children of children taks 2 people."

The majority of animals need a male and female to reproduce. In most cases the most successfully raised animals are done with the input of other females, in a group.

But otter couples, with their babies are cute and both pitch in.

Meanwhile back to the human world. Yes I would have. I was widowed, with no family, when my youngest was three. My DH had been ill (unexpected) from when they were born.

I'd get myself in the best financial and settled housing situation that I could first. What made our lives so difficult was losing our house at the end of his life and because he was misdiagnosed, we didn't get the benefits, or insurances didn't click in until near the end.

But I like what motherhood brings. It does depend on if you enjoy it. Some people seem to have children because it's expected of them, or the man wants them. You've got to be honest about yourself and your wants/needs.

PresidentBartlett · 16/11/2019 10:06

I would have adopted but not gone for biological child through sperm donor if I had wanted a child and been single.

But, for me the want for a child came more from wanting my DHs children rather than any child so I probably would have stayed child free if I was single.

ThighThighOfthigh · 16/11/2019 10:23

I know a lesbian and gay couple (so 4 people) who have a child between them. The 2 couples co-parent.

YeOldeTrout · 16/11/2019 10:31

I don't think I would have ever done that... but I've changed a lot as a person so who knows if I thought that was only way.

Oldraver · 16/11/2019 10:36

I did at 41, no regrets.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/11/2019 10:48

Knowing what life is like as a single parent, yes, I would.

Just because she doesn't need a father for her child doesn't mean that the child doesn't need a father.

Two loving parents is the ideal (regardless of gender) but one parent is more than enough to give a child the love, care and security she needs. It really is a socially-taught concept that children need a father or even a mother.

ThebishopofBanterbury · 16/11/2019 10:51

Before I had kids I would have thought it was fine. But now I know what it's really like, it is so much easier to have someone to share the load, physically and mentally.

RedSheep73 · 16/11/2019 10:55

Personally, I wouldn't have, but all our situations are different. Better alone than a bad partner, and maybe better alone than no child at all, I don't know.

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/11/2019 10:56

I think there is a reason why the conception children of children takes 2 people.

I don't think evolution (or whatever you believe) took into account the social and economic challenges of raising children. Grin If it did, women would have unlimited sperm and men would have finite eggs.
It's pure biology and perpetuation of the species.

Cattenberg · 16/11/2019 11:02

I did this at 35 and I’m glad I did. Before I went ahead, I contacted the Donor Conception Network who sent me details of some studies into the outcomes for donor-conceived children. I found these reassuring, overall.

DD is a bright, happy 20-month-old. One of my friends is her godfather and he adores her. I also have plenty of family support. I know the future might not always be plain sailing, but I hope DD will enjoy her life and be happy she was born.

ChristmasFluff · 16/11/2019 11:08

I'm not sure from the way you phrased the question which way to vote.

My experience is that prior to having a child, I wouldn't have chosen to have one on my own. Having had a child, and seen how I ended up doing it alone anyway (even though I was married), I would absolutely do it alone again. Part of why I divorced was down to feeling like a single parent anyway.

Ylvamoon · 16/11/2019 11:20


Thank you for the biology lesson... there are just as many animals that raise their young as couples or in a community of male and females.
So humans are not as unique as we think.

Inliverpool1 · 16/11/2019 11:28

No and looking back all the signs were there that I shouldn’t have children with ex dh. Some people are just not meant to be parents and I wish I’d got it 100% right in selecting one that deserved my children

Notsurehowtofixit · 16/11/2019 11:36

I wouldn't. Being a mother is 1000x harder than I expected.

plantainchips · 16/11/2019 11:47

Children need fathers.

thenightfury · 16/11/2019 11:50

It's not a choice I'd make, I could financially support a child alone and have plenty of family support but I managed much better with DH around xx

midnightmisssuki · 16/11/2019 11:56

I would if I had the means to - financial etc.

A friend of mine did, she didn’t find a partner and was getting older so decided to. She’s a partner in a Law firm though, and earns a lot of money, before she had her child, she agreed to less hours working, more working from home and a full time nanny. She’s an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. She has brothers that visit so her child get their male bonding from them but other than that - they are pretty happy as a two. In these circumstances- absolutely would I do it,

7to25 · 16/11/2019 16:17

Friend of family member. VERY good job. Savings, everything in place. Gave birth and suffered devastating PND. Unable to return to work and moved in with her (elderly) mother who looked after the now toddler during her frequent hospitalisations.
No siblings. Mother had a stroke. She has never returned to work.

SquidgeyMidgey · 16/11/2019 16:25

Before I had children I would have thought about it.

13-odd years down the line of actually having children there is no way I would want to be doing this shit on my own 24/7. I love them to bits but it's really tough.

Minai · 16/11/2019 16:29

I would have done if I was financially able to and had no partner but I think it would be incredibly hard. The relentlessness of parenting is something I struggle with and I have a supportive husband who does his fair share of it. With a good support system it could be manageable

VelvetSpoon · 16/11/2019 16:46

I did, although it was an accidental pregnancy rather than donor.

Not in a relationship with the father, had already lost touch by the time I realised (pre internet, and mobile phones were still a novelty). I was 25. No siblings, my mum died at 21 and my dad 2 months before I got pregnant. Me and DS managed though it was hard at times I have no regrets.

If it hadn't happened as it did I would definitely have gone down the donor sperm route at 30.

Missillusioned · 16/11/2019 17:58

I think it's doable with one child, but being a single parent to more than one is very hard work. Especially if they are close in age. And I would worry if I had an only child as a single parent with no father around that we would become too reliant on each other with the consequence that the child would feel guilty having their own life. And if anything happened to me they would have no relatives at all.

I am a single parent to more than 2 children. I definitely wouldn't have chosen this.

SuperMeerkat · 16/11/2019 18:00

I would never have chosen to be a single mum. It was 9 hard years where I wished my DS had the family I always wanted for him. Now i’m remarried it’s too late for more kids but i’m happy so that’s good. To actively choose single parenthood is madness.

newbingepisodes · 16/11/2019 18:07

My friend did it. Baby on her own with a donor. Been absolutely fine, kid is wonderful. She's a brilliant mum.

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