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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my Mil?

118 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 11:50

Mil keeps suggesting ideas for activities infront of our dc. Like the latest one is a Christmas play in her city (hour and a half drive from us) for Christmas. This isn't convenient for us because we would have to travel to mil's for it, then again on boxing day to see all the inlaws. Ideally she would like us to go to play and then stay at her house for Christmas eve until after boxing day. She hates that we have Christmas day at our house. We are also busier in December because of dc's birthday, my mums birthday and DH's annual week work trip. The annoying part is suggesting it infront of dc so I will be the one that has to say no. AIBU to be annoyed by this and how does this text sound to send to mil:

In future I think it would be best to mention day plans and trips to me and dh first and not in front of our dc. If it's not convenient or we already have plans then I'm the one that has to say no which automatically makes me the bad guy.

Or is this to direct? Should I reword it?

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 14/11/2019 14:56

Isn't making you the bad guy presumably the point and so the idea that it's got to you will be encouragement if anything

Last week there was an unreasonable Aunt who kept booking things. You stop making it about you and her and make it about the DC

"Hi MIL you know how much we appreciate you and your love for our DC. However in future if you suggest outings in front of the children without consulting DH and I first it will always be an automatic No regardless of whether we are free, as unexpected announcements of enjoyable occasions when we are unable to attend unnecessarily distresses the children"

Stick to it

Poppinjay · 14/11/2019 16:30

I think it's fine to feel and speak negatively about someone who make suggestions in front of children to make it harder for their parents to refuse. If that person is a MIL, saying it isn't MIL bashing.

I still think it's best to address this face to face, when it happens, calling out the behaviour politely and asking her to talk to you or your DH first in future.~

I get that you don't want to be the bad guy on this occasion but I think it's better to suck it up for now and wait until next time to deal with it on the spot.

Sending a text has the potential to cause a lot more upset than necessary.

Derbee · 14/11/2019 17:44

Maybe she suggests things because they will be fun? Maybe she doesn’t do it in front of the children to make it harder to refuse. Maybe she thinks it would be ridiculous to have to send a list of conversational topics in advance, to see what is approved?

Maybe she assumes you are a capable enough parent to be able to have your children hear a suggestion of an activity and be able to say no to them?

Derbee · 14/11/2019 17:47

Or maybe she suggests things in front of the children hoping that they’ll put some pressure on you to say yes, because you say no to everything, and she feels you’re distancing her from her DS and DGC? Who knows?

These threads about blind hatred of MILs are so bloody tiresome. Especially when the OP “trigger event” is an invitation to a play. For goodness sake

churchandstate · 14/11/2019 17:51

I wouldn’t write it like that myself. I might say, “Would you mind running suggestions like (insert example) past us first, so the kids aren’t disappointed if we have to say no?”

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 18:46

Or maybe she suggests things in front of the children hoping that they’ll put some pressure on you to say yes, because you say no to everything, and she feels you’re distancing her from her DS and DGC? Who knows?

I thought that too.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 18:56

brassbrass

I wouldn't know, I won't be a mil for a while. If you have one I feel sorry for her. I have one, she isn't the best but I don't let every little thing she says and does rile me up. I also don't see her as anymore of a problem than anyone else.
Strange women put up with so much from other people, friends, colleagues, partners, yet mils are the devil incarnate for suggesting you come for Christmas Dinner, or take the kids to see a play 😂

bluebell34567 · 14/11/2019 19:26

i think its a very blunt text.
i havent read the whole thread but i think it would be best your dh mentions it to her or do it face to face relating to another subject etc. so in a subtle way.

saraclara · 14/11/2019 19:36

I swear that 90% of the family problems on this site are caused by texting.

When will people realise just how shitty a way it is to make any sort of point? A text will be read in as snotty a tone as the recipient possibly can. It will be twisted and turned and shown to everyone. and the next thing you know, a trivial issue has split a family apart and everyone's at war.

Face to face is best (you have tone of voice, facial expression and body language to make the communication clear) and a phone call is next best. With both those options your words disappear into the ether and can't be saved, misinterpreted and shown to all and sundry.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2019 19:45

What is the problem with your child being disappointed? They need to be able to deal with that, its not really reasonable to make granny ask formally, it seems less than spontaneous. The DC need to be able to deal with " no".

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/11/2019 19:56

Maybe she assumes you are a capable enough parent to be able to have your children hear a suggestion of an activity and be able to say no to them?

This!

Friends, neighbours, aunts, uncles, would often suggest something when we were younger. My mother would have the final say. Sometimes we were allowed, sometimes it didn't suit. My mother wasn't "the bad guy". She was just our mother. I'm the same.

Sometimes my children will be disappointed when they can't have something, or go somewhere... But that's life! It's sometimes disappointing

cheeseandpineapple · 14/11/2019 23:12

OP you say you love seeing your children open their presents and play with their new toys on Xmas day. Can you imagine Xmas days in the future when someone else ensures they never ever see you on Xmas day. How do you imagine that would make you feel? If you can’t host everyone then compromise by accepting an invite to spend the occasional Xmas with your in-laws. At least it sets a good example to your children for the future to include you in their Xmas plans once they’ve flown the nest.

brassbrass · 15/11/2019 22:47

Typical batshit MILs responses. No compromise as in yep ok we can discuss plans out of earshot of the children. Instead lots of offended sensibilities and going into victim mode. It doesn't matter how much you try to work around or accommodate people like this.

Paintedmaypole · 16/11/2019 00:47

How would you feel if you and your DH had an issue with your Mum and he sent her a rather curt text rather than leaving it to you to speak to her?

Thankgoodness1 · 16/11/2019 02:02

Wait til you’re a MIL. You sound entitled and spiteful. So she questions your spending on a kettle Hmm... wow.

VenusTiger · 16/11/2019 02:31

She already knows this, she’s a mother herself. She’s doing it for effect.
There’s nothing wrong with saying no to kids, or to anyone for that matter, as far as looking the bad guy, you won’t, as there are reasons for saying no, you’re not just saying it to be mean.
You can’t ask mil to change, but you can teach the kids that their parents make these kinds of decisions, not them and not mil.

ffswhatnext · 16/11/2019 02:44

Do the dc's want to go to a play?
Is that why they are disappointed?

Asking because not really reading anything about what they would like.

1forAll74 · 16/11/2019 02:48

I would talk to her face to face,or a phone call about your thoughts. Texting is not good.

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