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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my Mil?

118 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 11:50

Mil keeps suggesting ideas for activities infront of our dc. Like the latest one is a Christmas play in her city (hour and a half drive from us) for Christmas. This isn't convenient for us because we would have to travel to mil's for it, then again on boxing day to see all the inlaws. Ideally she would like us to go to play and then stay at her house for Christmas eve until after boxing day. She hates that we have Christmas day at our house. We are also busier in December because of dc's birthday, my mums birthday and DH's annual week work trip. The annoying part is suggesting it infront of dc so I will be the one that has to say no. AIBU to be annoyed by this and how does this text sound to send to mil:

In future I think it would be best to mention day plans and trips to me and dh first and not in front of our dc. If it's not convenient or we already have plans then I'm the one that has to say no which automatically makes me the bad guy.

Or is this to direct? Should I reword it?

OP posts:
EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 14/11/2019 12:54

I'm not much of a fan of MILs and their ways, but your text sounds officious to me. If you must text rather than talk, I would make the effort to make it chattier, e.g. "Can you do me a favour in future and run ideas for outings past me or MrPanda before mentioning them in front of Horatio? If the date doesn't work or something it's awful having to say we can't go when he's already excited about it."

Paddy1234 · 14/11/2019 12:56

If you send that text, the situation will erupt.

Grandmi · 14/11/2019 12:57

No I don’t think you should send it . It is very abrupt and I would be really upset to receive a message like that from anyone. Just speak to her politely and explain in a friendly way why it’s a problem. Do you say yes to other suggestions from her ?

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 12:59

52BarrenFieldofFucks

And do you ever spend Christmas with her?

Exactly. Every year in laws are second best so mil tries to think of a nice way of getting her family to visit at Xmas and is branded manipulative.

Personally I think OP is manipulating DH.

treeofwhispers · 14/11/2019 12:59

I wouldn't bother with the text. Be smiley, non commital and don't react negatively to suggestions as conflict will just highlight any issues. Then later at a quiet time check the diary and say sorry you can't. The kids will forget if you don't make a big deal of it and change the subject. Big up what you are going to do instead. Think about how many people get away with being flakey (loads IME) and emulate that. Added to that maybe practice being late or cancelling things at the last minute out of the blue so there is less time to argue.

greenlynx · 14/11/2019 13:01

Your MIL sounds a bit like my mum. So I would advice to keep all explanations short and simple, no passive aggressive, use “we”, send it as DH’s message from DH’s phone and don’t put “making us bad guys”, put that you know she doesn’t want make DC upset. And don’t mix it with Xmas day issue, address this separately.

namechangetheworld · 14/11/2019 13:02

"Can you do me a favour in future and run ideas for outings past me or MrPanda before mentioning them in front of Horatio? If the date doesn't work or something it's awful having to say we can't go when he's already excited about it."

If you really must send a text (which you shouldn't - your DH should mention it next time he speaks to her), this is the way to go.

If you're not keen on the hour and a half drive to see her (which I understand), can you meet them somewhere halfway for a Christmas activity instead? We do this with our ILs (anything to avoid going to their house) and it works well.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2019 13:03

This texting nonsense is ridiculous. If you're wanting her to treat you with respect, then you need to act like an adult and have a real conversation, whether it be on the phone or in person. If you think you have problems with her now, go ahead and send that text and see how bad things can really get.

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 13:03

54EagleVisionSquirrelWork

I'm not much of a fan of MILs and their ways,
Wtf you may be a mil one day!
Talk about a stereotype.

HoppyHop · 14/11/2019 13:04

I would have a face to face conversation rather than text. Your DH does not need to get involved either, just have the conversation like adults. Families are tricky at the best of times, it's harder at Christmas time when everyone is busy.

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 13:06

Yes, we do the same sort of thing as @namechangetheworld. There isn't room for all of us in one house for dinner, so we do drinks / tea and cake together and then go our separate ways. Could you do similar?

I don't like spending the whole day with all my in-laws, much as I love my PILs. I'd gladly have them on their own for the whole day or more, but not the entire family. I have my reasons and they are reasonable imo.

Poppinjay · 14/11/2019 13:09

I would say it to her face the next time she does it.

"Oh no. We can't do that which I'm sure will be disappointing for Minipanda. In future, would you mind running things like that by us before mentioning them in front of him. Thanks"

FairiesontheSwing · 14/11/2019 13:14

I like Fizzy's text.

stophuggingme · 14/11/2019 13:18

Texts in this situation are to be avoided in my experience.
People who want to get their own way all the time will read a multitude of things into it.

I would just call her and say it’s not possible. But thank her. And if she persists then it’s her son’s and your husband’s job to tell his mother to back off. Even if she knows it’s really you 😉

Derbee · 14/11/2019 13:19

Or just go to the play? It’s not that far, and the DC can sleep in the car.

I agree with a PP, unless there’s a big drip feed backstory, I think you sound like you’re spoiling for a fight.

I know we’re all meant to hate our MILs on this site, but suggesting a Christmas play is hardly evil

stophuggingme · 14/11/2019 13:20

@FizzyGreenWater that’s the nicest way of telling someone to fuck off that I’ve read in a long time!

RiddleyW · 14/11/2019 13:26

I'm not much of a fan of MILs and their ways

This is fucking insane - so you don't like any women with married offspring?

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 13:28

I have a ds and a dd. My dil obviously gravitates to her dm and I get that but I'm lucky because no way would my ds ever let us be left out or treated second best.
Likewise my future son in law spends time with both his dp's and us.
Being a family means including everyone not just the people you deem acceptable.

For all pp's knocking mil's on here most of us just want equality. And one day you guys will be in the mil boat so think about that when you're exaggerating their supposed faults.

cheeseandpineapple · 14/11/2019 13:36

I think you would sound pretty petty sending a text about this. Just say you’ll chat it through and come back to her and if your kids are disappointed then explain it to them because you’re the reason they’re missing out because of your inflexibility. Chances are anyway they will have forgotten about it if they’re young. If they’re older they might not be bothered. You seem to be making a bigger deal of this than is necessary or trying to use the message to put her in her place generally.

I have a relative who never wanted to have Xmas day anywhere but at home with her husband and children. She always made it so difficult for the rest of us as some years we did all want to get together but she was so insistent about wanting Xmas at home but not inviting anyone over. Her husband just put up with it for a “quiet” life. Sadly they’re divorced now and the kids have to split Xmas day between the parents.

If you’re sure you’re not being too belligerent about Xmas day and really need to make your point then Bluntness’ message seems more diplomatic.

Ps I’m not a MIL but do find the MIL bashing tiresome.

Selmababies · 14/11/2019 13:40

Why don't you find a panto near you, and invite mil?

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 13:42

@Frenchw1fe, so true. My MIL is amazing. I really don't like the anti-MIL prejudice which sometimes seeps out on MN. Most of us aren't like that, I swear Halloween Smile.

It's still ok not to like my horrible BIL though, right Halloween Grin?

Dollymixture22 · 14/11/2019 13:47

I would be quite taken aback to receive this text message, it is quite cold.

All your need to do is catch her on her own and ask her if she wouldn’t mind running things passed your and your hubby before mentioning to the kids.

Don’t send either of the texts. They read like your really don’t like her.

Livelovebehappy · 14/11/2019 13:49

Like pp, I also think this is for your DH to deal with. Your mil is more likely to listen to your DH, as from your posts it seems that your relationship with her isn’t the best so she will think anything you say is coming from a place of spite and confrontation.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 13:49

Frenchw1fe we see mil at some point over the Christmas period just not Christmas day. I like to have Christmas day with dc opening his presents and then getting to play with his new toys. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 13:50

@BeatriceTheBeast
Thank you. Your in laws will appreciate you I'm sure.
My dil is a lovely person and we mostly get on well. I always tell her to let me know if I'm out of line and I think she would.
My future son in law is very close to his parents and my dd would never come between them.