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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my Mil?

118 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 11:50

Mil keeps suggesting ideas for activities infront of our dc. Like the latest one is a Christmas play in her city (hour and a half drive from us) for Christmas. This isn't convenient for us because we would have to travel to mil's for it, then again on boxing day to see all the inlaws. Ideally she would like us to go to play and then stay at her house for Christmas eve until after boxing day. She hates that we have Christmas day at our house. We are also busier in December because of dc's birthday, my mums birthday and DH's annual week work trip. The annoying part is suggesting it infront of dc so I will be the one that has to say no. AIBU to be annoyed by this and how does this text sound to send to mil:

In future I think it would be best to mention day plans and trips to me and dh first and not in front of our dc. If it's not convenient or we already have plans then I'm the one that has to say no which automatically makes me the bad guy.

Or is this to direct? Should I reword it?

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 14/11/2019 13:52

Honestly, I wouldn't send a text I would have just said to her directly - Xmas eve obviously won't work as we are not at yours that day, why not find something fun for the dc when we are actually there, or dh how do you feel about taking them yourself and doing the 3hr round trip and I'll stay here and relax/drink wine?

treeofwhispers · 14/11/2019 13:55

we see mil at some point over the Christmas period just not Christmas day. I like to have Christmas day with dc opening his presents and then getting to play with his new toys. Is that unreasonable?

Not at all. However you need to have the courage of your convictions. Don't take escalate conflict by bringing the issue up again and again with rules and provisos. Just say no, sorry, you are busy on the date. If things are dealt with in a straightforward manner the kids are likely to forget and move onto the next big thing. If she complains just say sorry she feels like that you're not doing it to offend her but it is just fairer all round.

LucileDuplessis · 14/11/2019 13:55

Most people I know do see their in-laws on Christmas day - not every year, but sometimes. I can see why she's upset to never spend Christmas day with you. Maybe you could invite her to yours?

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 13:56

@PandaAtTheZoo
Whether or not it's unreasonable depends on a) do your own parents visit on Xmas day?
b) if they do have you asked in laws and have they refused (in which case that would be their own fault)

RedRec · 14/11/2019 13:57

I absolutely would not put that in writing (too cold and officious) but would tell her, kindly, in person.

treeofwhispers · 14/11/2019 13:57

Most people I know do see their in-laws on Christmas day - not every year, but sometimes.

Did once or twice pre kids but even then travelling was a nightmare. We ended up just saying no and do see them but just not on the day. Same for my own family. Easier all round and we actually get to relax.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 14:06

God I dread the day when my ds's are in relationships and possibly have children, and I am looked upon as the interfering, annoying, controlling mil for suggesting a day out with my family, or god forbid wanting to spend some time with them on Christmas day.
I msy aswell cut ties with them as soon as the first girlfriend comes on the scene.

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 14:07

@thestrangestthing

No! We're mainly reasonable I swear!

treeofwhispers · 14/11/2019 14:09

I msy aswell cut ties with them as soon as the first girlfriend comes on the scene.

Or just don't be demanding and argumentative? We have to accept our children will grow up and sometimes want to do their own thing. You cannot force in a good relationship.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 14:10

Frenchw1fe if we invited mil she would insist we invite Sil, bil and his wife, her mum and her ex Sil and DH's cousin. I don't have enough room to host that many people and I want to avoid DH's aunt like the plaugue because she is very loud and obnoxious (she has insulted my hobbies, taste in music and called us tight because the wedding venue we choose wasn't posh enough even though we paid for a 3 course meal with wine that people could choose from). And mil would dictate the food I made on top of that. She would refuse to eat my usual roast beef or lamb I make on Christmas day.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 14:11

@Thestrangestthing
Its appalling isn't is. And OP has a son!
And the example here is daddy's parents are less important.

Original poster
PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 14:12

Thestrangestthing my Mil is far more interfering than that. She tries to pick out the presents we should buy people or questions how I spend my money - like did I really need a new kettle. Just a few examples of many

OP posts:
BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 14:15

Yes, I hasten to add that although my MIL is lovely and I'm very lucky to have her, I appreciate there are some genuinely unpleasant MILs out there. Like all people; some are lovely, some are not. What I object to is people saying ALL MILs are x, y or z. And you do see that a lot on here.

I take the op at her word when she says her MIL is not a nice person. I have no reason not to believe her.

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 14:15

@PandaAtTheZoo
So you've never invited mil because she MAY invite others.
Sit down with her and tell her that you would love to have just her and dil.
Give her a chance.
Presumably you do then have your very reasonable and well behaved parents.

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 14:15

Sorry fil

ChilledBee · 14/11/2019 14:17

He probably really wants to spend a few christmases with his mum and hasn't got the balls to tell you.

PaperWhiteDaisy · 14/11/2019 14:20

I wouldn’t send the text. Wait until she does it again, stand your ground with your DC and explain in front of everyone why it isn’t possible. Then take MIL aside and say DC gets upset etc, so please ask about plans when they aren’t in ear shot.

You won’t win sending a text, as it comes across as abrasive. She does sound like a pain in the ass and manipulative, so don’t give her fodder in writing

brassbrass · 14/11/2019 14:22

Thestrangestthing you sound passive aggressive yourself so don't be surprised if you do end up as a problem MIL.

Why do you only choose to see one side? All OP is saying is it isn't appropriate to discuss plans in front of the DC which may not be possible so could she avoid doing that in future. Quite frankly if she (and all other problematic MILs) were cooperative then DIL(s) wouldn't have a problem spending time together.

I say this as a mother of sons.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 14:23

Or just don't be demanding and argumentative? We have to accept our children will grow up and sometimes want to do their own thing. You cannot force in a good relationship.

Hmm not on MN, mil are bashed for absolutely nothing. Doesn't matter what it is, they are ripped to shreds. Want to see their children and grandchildren too much, don't want to see them enough. Are too interfering, offer no help at all.

These mils were very likely dils themselves and may still Be. Clearly if you are an mil, you are automatically wrong in everything you do.
This is not new to me, I've been on MN for ages but name changed recently because I was discovered. It's just depressing to read that so many women seem to hate their mils.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 14:28

brassbrass

You sound like one of those dils.

Frenchw1fe · 14/11/2019 14:30

@PandaAtTheZoo
My own mil could be annoying but as my dh always said just listen then we'll do our own thing.
My dm is anything but a darling. I could beat anyone hands down with derogatory remarks such as ' well nobody likes you
said to me 5 years ago when I didn't get an invite to a family do.
But I love my mum and I miss my mil dreadfully.
This Xmas we will be squashed in dd flat including df and dm who are not together. My mum will be rude and demanding. My future son in law's parents will laugh like us and we'll have fun because if my mum was any different we'd all be shocked.
Life is too short. Believe me I never thought my dh was that close to his dm until she died so think of your dh. His mum carried him for 9 months, she gave birth and stayed up nights when he cried or was sick.
She's human just like you. If the worst she does is make inappropriate comments then she's a diamond.

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 14:36

Is it weird that I am the one trying to get DH to invite his parents for Christmas dinner this year and he's dragging his feet 🤔?

brassbrass · 14/11/2019 14:49

Thestrangestthing of course I do......to you Grin

CroissantsAtDawn · 14/11/2019 14:49

Only you know if you are U or if her behaviour really isn't nice.

On the other side of this, my DB regularly sends our DM snotty messages "in the future please do/do not do this" concerning his DC. It's framed as wanting to be clear but in reality he doesn't dare say these things to her face. he just sends emails and texts and so doesn't see just how hurt my mum is by them.

I am frequently at the events that he is talking about and can vouch that my mum really isn't doing anything wrong. He is just being an arse. However, it is a hurtful arse and I hope one day my mum refuses to do so much free childcare.

FraggleRocking · 14/11/2019 14:50

If your DH doesn’t want to confront the issue then perhaps you should leave it.
I would think it unwise to create drama amongst the in laws but that’s just me?
Your children might be disappointed for a bit but in the grand scheme of things, it’s Christmas and there will be lots going on so it will surely be forgotten.