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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send this text to my Mil?

118 replies

PandaAtTheZoo · 14/11/2019 11:50

Mil keeps suggesting ideas for activities infront of our dc. Like the latest one is a Christmas play in her city (hour and a half drive from us) for Christmas. This isn't convenient for us because we would have to travel to mil's for it, then again on boxing day to see all the inlaws. Ideally she would like us to go to play and then stay at her house for Christmas eve until after boxing day. She hates that we have Christmas day at our house. We are also busier in December because of dc's birthday, my mums birthday and DH's annual week work trip. The annoying part is suggesting it infront of dc so I will be the one that has to say no. AIBU to be annoyed by this and how does this text sound to send to mil:

In future I think it would be best to mention day plans and trips to me and dh first and not in front of our dc. If it's not convenient or we already have plans then I'm the one that has to say no which automatically makes me the bad guy.

Or is this to direct? Should I reword it?

OP posts:
MarziPam · 14/11/2019 12:23

'she thinks she gets a say in every aspect of ours lives, from the big things to small things. Lots of guilt trips and passive aggressiveness'

Just be polite but firm.

LinnetBird · 14/11/2019 12:23

I wouldn't text, I'd call.
I don't see how you look or feel bad for her behaviour, your kids will have to be told no many times through their lives.
You can only feel bad if you allow yourself to.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/11/2019 12:24

Manipulate back then :)

'Hi MIL, just to say in future could we check out if visiting suggestions are going to work between us grown ups before mentioning them to the DC. They're upset that we can't make this Christmas play, I did try and explain that you were just excited and didn't check whether it would be possible to fit in :( - I really don't want them thinking that Granny suggests things she knows probably won't happen! Check with us next time and hopefully we can make sure that when Granny asks whether they'd like to do something they know it will actually happen! Love, X.'

Africa2go · 14/11/2019 12:26

Not sure she sees them as an inconvenience if shes looking for things to do and wanting you all to spend Christmas with her?!

You sound like you're spoiling for a fight and as ever, there's probably a back story. Don't send the text, it will no doubt lead to an argument and an atmosphere over Christmas.

Let DH deal with it. Stay out of it and dont put your DH in the middle of a fight between you and his mother. I've been in your position before, albeit something much more serious, and whilst I dont regret calling my MIL out on her behaviour, i do regret the position I put my husband in.

Allfednonedead · 14/11/2019 12:27

Yeah, I wouldn’t go with ‘we have to be the bad guys’. The point is that she is raising false hopes to be dashed.
‘MIL, to avoid upsetting the DC, could you check those kind of things with us first?’

MindyStClaire · 14/11/2019 12:32

Fizzy's message is better. If this is the first time you've mentioned it to her, be polite, say please and thank you. Some of the other messages are overly blunt for someone who on the face of it is trying to do a nice thing.

If she doesn't listen, then get more firm.

AudTheDeepMinded · 14/11/2019 12:34

Use shit sandwich format. Start by thanking her for thinking of you, then explain and inform not to ask in front again etc and finish with we look forward to seeing you soon at some point blah blah blah!

BlingItOn · 14/11/2019 12:37

2 things I've learned after being a DIL for 27 years with a difficult MIL.

  1. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I won't.
  2. MIL thinks I am a witch. If the broom fits, fly it.
Teaandcrisps · 14/11/2019 12:38

Dont send the text OP. It's not actually about the show it's about you managing her role in your life.
MIL wants you to stay over Christmas but you dont, so dont. She wants to know everything about your life, stop telling her stuff. If she's just interested in seeing her son, then let them arrange to see each other - stay out of it. If she starts talking about shows and stuff, just say at the time that you need to check the diary as there are loads of parties for dc.

fedup21 · 14/11/2019 12:40

she thinks she gets a say in every aspect of ours lives, from the big things to small things

Like what? What has she said?

Clearnightsky · 14/11/2019 12:41

I actually wouldn’t send a text. I’d say it to her face next time but the same words.

I’ve sent texts before and they are taken so much more emotionally than being told face to face. It can make it a huge ‘thing’.

Brefugee · 14/11/2019 12:41

I don't like texts like this, however you word it it sounds like a telling off.

that would be because it is a telling off.

OP I wouldn't bother. Next time get your DH to say "no". Force him to do it. And if he really won't say "mummy and daddy have plans on that day, sorry DS"

then try to get her alone and tell her in no uncertain terms that it is not to happen again.

Belfield · 14/11/2019 12:43

I wouldn't send a direct text to a manipulative person. You will get a super smiley reply and then she will tell everyone how she was in another room saying x and the child overheard and she got this really nasty message. She will then show your direct message with her super smiley reply. It will be twisted. If she is manipulative, she will twist it. Avoid communication with her and put pressure on your DH to deal with it. Sure we would all put our head in the sand if someone else was willing to deal with problems.

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 12:44

If she's really manipulative I wouldn't go with "you're making us the bad guys" tbh, as maybe she will do it more, if she's a total selfish weirdo...

Maybe go from the 'it makes you look bad if you suggest stuff which doesn't happen' angle, but a lot less blunt?

Like, if you ask us first you won't look bad when you suggest it and it doesn't happen sort of thing..?

FraglesRock · 14/11/2019 12:46

Hi, thanks for the invite to the play, it looks great but it's not going to work for us because of x. Please message or ring to ask about plans rather than mentioning it infront of the kids as it's not fair to them. See you soon.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/11/2019 12:46

I think you need to chill out. You also need to accept that sometimes, your children will be disappointed in life....and help them to learn about that by explaining why it's "No" to a suggested plan.

They're not spun glass.

"Why can't we go to the play like Gran said!?"

"We won't have time to get there and back I'm afraid. Maybe we can see a panto with her in the New Year."

FLOrenze · 14/11/2019 12:46

I think she will use the text against you, if my mother is anything to go by. Saying to the DC, ‘ I would love to take you to/buy you.... but your mum won’t let me”. Constant digs about askingpermission before she can be the wonderful granny that you are stopping her from being.

All texts can be open to deliberate misinterpretation, by wilful people. My children quickly cottoned on to the fact that her grand gestures were just hot air. She could never understand why they preferred my gentle understanding MiL to her.

I would bide your time and wait for the opportunity to speak face to face.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2019 12:46

I'd probably go a bit gentler and maintain the relationship.

So for example

Hey there, just a quick one, but it would be great if you could discuss any plans with us and not in front of the kids, we hate seeing them disappointed if something isn't feasible so would love to spare them that. Thanks. X

BreatheAndFocus · 14/11/2019 12:47

I wouldn’t mention the bit about making you look like the bad guy - because maybe that’s exactly what’s shes trying to do, and by saying that she might think her strategy is working.

It sounds like the real issue here is that she wants you to spend Christmas with her. Perhaps just speak to her and politely but firmly explain that that’s not going to happen. Then she might stop this backhanded manipulation via your DC.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2019 12:47

I like Fizzys message a lot. I don’t think it sounds manipulative as the onus is being put on the right person ie, grandma to be trustworthy and likeable.

BeatriceTheBeast · 14/11/2019 12:48

Oh so true @FLOrenze!

Maybe better to ignore. Your DC will cotton on soon enough that granny always suggests inconvenient days out which never actually happen 🤷‍♀️.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 14/11/2019 12:50

1.5 hours isn't a long way, a play sounds nice tbh!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 14/11/2019 12:52

And do you ever spend Christmas with her?

DriftingLeaves · 14/11/2019 12:52

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

HeyNotInMyName · 14/11/2019 12:54

I would just be the bad guy.
And I would also tell her immediately this is not suitable. For all the reason you’ve listed.
As others have said, your dcs won’t have a major issue with you making decisions (unless she is also bigging it up when you’re not around too). And they will know that a possibility of x happening doesn’t mean it will automatically happen.

And please don’t feel bad about not taking up that offer of a ‘treat’ for your dcs if it’s becoming a (logistical) nightmare for you.

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