To think this is an insensitive birthday present?

[LobsteralaRiseholme]

A friend has given me a copy of Jane Shillings' memoir 'The Stranger in the Mirror: A Memoir of Middle Age', along with a copy of another book which seems to be a gossipy account of the author's relationships in her 20s.

I am 38 and have not had a relationship since my early 20s. My deepest fear is reaching middle age without having children. I am in floods of tears. Is this an utterly thoughtless gift or am I just being U?

Totally off the point but I always think 18-36 ish young adult/adult 37ish/60ish middle age 60's plus old 75ish onwards elderly. (Im approaching the middle) What is wrong with being middle aged though? The way some people are reacting is like it in an insult or a personal attack. What's wrong with being young? What's wrong with being old? People in their 60's realistically probably only have another 20 years to live. They have been alive for 6 decades, of course its old. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. We are all going to get there one day fingerscrossed

Childhood is a separate thing, then you're young (20-30s), middle aged (somewhere in your 40s to somewhere in your 60s) and old (70-ish onwards) until you become more frail/infirm and then you could be called "elderly" maybe., Actually maybe this makes much more sense to they way I have been thinking about it. Defining age / life stages seems to be quite a personal and subjective matter for people. I imagine their own ages/plans/happiness/life experience all plays a part in how people define young, old or middle aged.

Most of the responses in this thread are downright nasty. I’m not surprised though as this has become the norm on here.

I agree with a pp, OP, hide the thread as it’s sickening to read but would say YANBU, that is an insensitive ‘gift’

I'm 39 & I totally define myself as middle-aged. It's not just about how long I might expect to live, it's being the 'sandwich' generation between my retired parents/in-laws & my school-aged children. It's about not being part of the 'youth' generation but also not being elderly.

*on not in

You poor OLD duck! Your 38! Nothing at all. Talk to your friend, ask if there was a hidden message, her insights might help you. I would give books to friends that I had read and were really special to me. I've had some lovely recommendations on here, in fact I'm planning on getting them for friends for Xmas. I will check that none of them are Russian princesses doing the washing up below stairs first. Please don't be sad about this, you can do anything you want and have the the kids biologically or otherwise. You could Foster, you could work with youngsters in need or you could meet prince/princess charming and have a baby of your own. If you're a Russian princess washing up below stairs I absolutely guarantee this will happen for you.

A strange gift OP , but only you know what your friend is like and whether she was trying to kindly send you a message ,whether she was just thoughtless or whether she’s just mean. If your really not sure , I’d speed read the books .

You are still some way off middle age though , but if the most important thing to you is to be a mum then perhaps now is the time to start doing some research .

I do have an old school friend who met her husband at 41 and had her son at 43 .

Whether 38 is middle aged or not is neither here nor there. What 38 is however is very late to be hoping to have a baby, especially after 15 years of no partner.

65 + 25 doesn't make 110...

I'd agree that it's generally accepted that middle age begins at 45.

Indeed it doesn't, but 45 - 0 (birth) equals 45. If 45 represents the beginning of the middle of something then there must surely be 45 left after that something in the middle ends.

Completely missing the point, but I'm 52 and am so glad that I'm (apparently) only just at the start of Middle Age.

Back to the thread - I have a friend going through medical treatment at the moment, and I've just read a very funny book about doctors, who do actually talk about the type of treatment she is having. Although I loved the book, I won't be giving her a copy as I want to be sensitive to her position. But I know others have said she should see it; I think your friend has simply been a little thoughtless, nothing more.

Childhood is a separate thing, then you're young (20-30s), middle aged (somewhere in your 40s to somewhere in your 60s) and old (70-ish onwards) until you become more frail/infirm and then you could be called "elderly" maybe.,

This makes far more sense imo than what you are suggesting @webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll

I don't think anyone is suggesting old age needs to last 45 years or that we are all going to live until 110. It's more that many of us consider when is the middle of our adult age, not when is the middle of our lives. That being said, based on my lifestyle and older members of my family's health, it is very reasonable for me to hope to live to at least 90. So 45 would, quite possibly, mark the middle of my life. Adolescence, it is now widely accepted by scientists, has evolved to end at 25. 25-45 is the first phase of adulthood, 45-65 the middle phase of adulthood, 65+ the final phase.

That makes a lot of sense, NameChange84, but I don't see why childhood is divorced from the rest as a separate stage of life, rather than just the first of several.

It doesn't help when some sexist dinosaurs people routinely refer to all women under 30 as 'young girls' (never hear men described as young boys ) when, in reality, you'd think you'd stop referring to somebody as a young girl when she reaches the age of maybe 10-12.

I do concede that, if we're excluding childhood from people's lives and using middle aged as short form to mean a middle aged adult, then MA would indeed start at more like 45.

38 is not middle aged! Here you go- google 'Middle Aged' and the first dictionary definition is:

middle-aged
/mɪdəlˈeɪdʒd/
adjective
(of a person) aged about 45 to 65.
"the crowd was predominantly middle-aged"
characteristic or typical of middle-aged people.
"a novel about middle-aged angst"

So why is your insensitive friend giving you a book for 45 year olds?

PS. I empathise with you OP- in my 30s too, want kids too, only short-term relationships in my 20s too (due predominantly to a chronic illness)- it's a horrible place to be in and of course you think about it all of the time without someone reminding you!

Oh also as a general rule people with fewer years of education consider themselves middle aged by the time they're 28 (as that's when their grandchildren are born!) and people with University educations consider themselves middle aged between 45 and 50!

Some people find the idea of middle age harder than others, or everyone finds it hard at different times now and again. For those who're currenttly not feeling unhappy or whatever about it, it's just a source of humour or nothing at all. That's probably the spirit in which your friend meant it- the subject currently amuses her drily, so she thought you would feel the same.

So, not insensitive unless she 100% realises how you feel about it though it's different for her x

i 38 is not middle aged!

Well, my dad didn't quite make 81. When I was 38 I thought it was fair enough to consider myself more in the middle of my life than at the beginning. Middle-aged seems a good enough description.

@shearwater I can understand where they're coming from. Most people don't like to think they're getting on a bit, I think most people actually know 38 is about middle-aged, whether or not they care to admit it is another matter. It they'd rather wait till 40 to declare to themselves they're middle aged I don't think it does any harm.

In biological terms 38 is elderly.

It (sic) they'd rather wait till 40 to declare to themselves they're middle aged I don't think it does any harm.

Officially you are not middle aged till 45.