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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an insensitive birthday present?

119 replies

LobsteralaRiseholme · 14/11/2019 02:33

A friend has given me a copy of Jane Shillings' memoir 'The Stranger in the Mirror: A Memoir of Middle Age', along with a copy of another book which seems to be a gossipy account of the author's relationships in her 20s.

I am 38 and have not had a relationship since my early 20s. My deepest fear is reaching middle age without having children. I am in floods of tears. Is this an utterly thoughtless gift or am I just being U?

OP posts:
CatInTheDaytime · 14/11/2019 10:09

I get it OP, I would be upset. You don't know if it was accidental, thoughtless, or trying to be helpful in some way, but whichever it is, it's still insensitive. You're not middle-aged, or too old to give up on what you want, and I don't think you're overreacting. This is a big deal for you and you're not alone in that - and a kind friend would take care not to upset you.

I cried when someone gave me We Need to Talk About Kevin - when I was about to give birth to my DS. I laugh about it now but it upset me.

Vanhi · 14/11/2019 10:11

It's either a thoughtful present or a thoughtless one, without knowing your friend I can't say which. She may have just thought "oh these look interesting" and decided to give them to you without any further thought about how you would react. Or she may have thought long and hard about it and be trying to tell you something.

You are young enough to do something about your situation OP. It is more difficult to meet someone and have children at your age but it's by no means impossible and as PP have said, you can have a child without a partner. I think you need to make that your goal for 2020. Ask yourself is it the child you want, the relationship, or both? I spent a lot of time in my 20s and 30s looking for relationships unsuccessfully. I finally met someone right for me when in my late 40s. So no children for me, but a relationship. However, if it's the children you want, shelve the idea of finding a partner and set about seeing if you can become a single parent.

Good luck, OP. And I should add, I did enjoy being single. I won't settle for a bad relationship so I waited for someone right for me, whilst taking advantage of the single life.

Trewser · 14/11/2019 10:16

She may have read them herself and found them uplifting and inspiring. The Dolly Alderton book is crap very strongly saying how fab female friendships are.

Hopefully she'll stick to a baylis and harding hand cream set next time!

ladyslattern · 14/11/2019 10:17

Hi Lobster embrace the amazingness of not having biological kids or take steps now to have a baby. If you go into middle age with these regrets you will not be happy. Xxx

BlueDinosaur · 14/11/2019 10:21

If your friend is a true friend I highly doubt it was meant to upset you. Is your friend aware of how you feel about not having children etc? If you are 38 and have never seemed fussed about children she’s probably just picked something she has read or something she thinks you’d like. If you have voiced concerns about running out of time maybe she wants to encourage you to do something about it before it’s too late?

SVRT19674 · 14/11/2019 10:29

Don't judge a book by the cover OP! Actually read them, then ask her about them if they're really not your cup of tea! About the child, would you be prepared to go it alone? I had mine at 43. Once the process started I felt much more in control and happier. Good luck.

shearwater · 14/11/2019 10:37

I've considered myself middle-aged since I was about 38.

I doubt the gift was meant insensitively but I'm sorry to hear that it upset you, OP. Flowers

from123toabc · 14/11/2019 10:43

The fear of being classed as middle-aged is crazy. At 38 YOU ARE MIDDLE AGED. people like to kid themselves that middle aged is 50-60 it isn't.

I can understand you being upset but at 38 and no prospects of a relationship yet wanting children you have two choices.

  1. put yourself out there and be proactive about finding a relationship
  2. embrace being single and not having children.

Don't project your fears onto a present a friend purchased for you

Trewser · 14/11/2019 10:47

Yes 38 is middle aged. That shouldn't be an issue for anyone.

from123toabc · 14/11/2019 10:53

...and by middle aged I mean half way through the average life expectancy- which is just shy of 81 for UK women.

That doesnt mean half way to death it means you still have the same time you have already had to do all the things you want.

1300cakes · 14/11/2019 10:54

Is your friend the same age as you? If yes, you can't really take offence. She probably enjoyed the book herself and thought you would too. If she is much younger or older I see why you might have thought Confused

autumndreaming · 14/11/2019 10:58

Jesus, if 38 is middle-aged, is 50 elderly??

I thought everyone knew 45 was the approximate start of middle age!

I think people taking it as the absolute halfway point of life are being a bit silly.

OP, I think the gifts were well-intentioned, but if you are upset then it's okay to give them to charity or give them to someone else.

Trewser · 14/11/2019 11:00

Im 53 and would say I was vintage.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 11:02

While 38 may technically be the middle of some people’s lifespan, it’s not usually considered to be middle aged. Mid to late forties is when middle age begins.

Paddington68 · 14/11/2019 11:02

Happy Birthday OP.
I rarely give books as they are such subjective gifts.
Reading the amazon reviews it sounds a really lovely book.
Perhaps your friend is trying to affirm you.
I am sorry this has upset you, hugs.

woodchuck99 · 14/11/2019 11:03

I think that is depends on whether she is the same age as you. If she is then it is unreasonable to be upset by her suggestion that you are both middle-aged. She perhaps didn't think that anyway. She might just think it's interesting book. I don't think you can expect her to associate this with your terror of being middle-aged without children.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2019 11:09

if 38 is middle-aged, is 50 elderly??

50 is still middle aged. It's a stage of people's lives and covers much more than just one year. It's also just a numerical description - it isn't intended to be any kind of insult.

I think some people are getting confused with the relatively recent era of history which is commonly referred to as the Middle Ages....

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2019 11:12

I thought everyone knew 45 was the approximate start of middle age!

So if we agree that a life stage lasts for approximately 18-25 years (let's say 20), then if middle-aged is 45-65, that assumes that people will on average live to 110?!

Sootyandsweep2019 · 14/11/2019 11:16

It sounds like an insensitive gift at best 🙄 Can't help but think 99.9% of people would have preferred a nice bunch of flowers, nice soap, perfume, wine, gift vouchers or a nice scarf or earrings than a book with such a pointed title.

OP, if you'd like children, would you consider going it alone and going via the sperm donation/ adoption route ?

CatInTheDaytime · 14/11/2019 11:16

I don't think 38 is middle-aged and I wasn't just saying that to be nice to OP. It the very minimum, I'd accept 40 as middle-aged but I think of it as starting more around 45.

The thing is I don't consider childhood to be part of the "life" that you're in the middle of, IYSWIM. Childhood is a separate thing, then you're young (20-30s), middle aged (somewhere in your 40s to somewhere in your 60s) and old (70-ish onwards) until you become more frail/infirm and then you could be called "elderly" maybe.

Mumofone2001 · 14/11/2019 11:18

Do not take it personally! My friend got me a book called something like "scummy mummies" and I love it! I didn't assume she thought I was a scummy mum!

Don't be upset with your friend, maybe try the books, you might enjoy them.

If you want a baby maybe look into options? You may feel better if you have a back up plan incase you don't find someone?

SunshineAngel · 14/11/2019 11:19

They're just books. She probably read them and thought they were good, so gave them to you to enjoy.

So, if you don't have children soon, are people never allowed to buy your books with children in? Or that are about women without children?

You're overly sensitive because of your situation, and if you want to have children, have you thought about other ways around it than meeting someone? I don't want to sound rude or mean (but probably will) but you said that your greatest fear is reaching middle age and not having kids - I would definitely class 38 as middle age.

There are all kinds of things you can do, sperm donation, fostering, adoption. You can give a child a fantastic life without it being in a stereotypical nuclear family environment. It sounds like you have a lot to give, but not being in a relationship for almost 2 decades seems odd to me. I don't know what you're trying, but it does seem odd that you wouldn't at least have a few failed relationships in that space of time!

DuMondeB · 14/11/2019 11:19

I think a lot of gifts are what the giver would like to receive themselves?

It’s certainly easier just to assume such, rather than spend too long wondering why on earth someone selected a thing specifically for you.

NameChange84 · 14/11/2019 11:20

65 + 25 doesn't make 110...

I'd agree that it's generally accepted that middle age begins at 45.

NameChange84 · 14/11/2019 11:21

Although, I'd consider 40 as marking the transition period into middle age. 30s is still youngish.