Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think this is an insensitive birthday present?

119 replies

LobsteralaRiseholme · 14/11/2019 02:33

A friend has given me a copy of Jane Shillings' memoir 'The Stranger in the Mirror: A Memoir of Middle Age', along with a copy of another book which seems to be a gossipy account of the author's relationships in her 20s.

I am 38 and have not had a relationship since my early 20s. My deepest fear is reaching middle age without having children. I am in floods of tears. Is this an utterly thoughtless gift or am I just being U?

OP posts:

Bear2014 · 14/11/2019 09:08

Hi OP, YANBU to be upset. Your friend might have been coming from a good (humorous?) place with the gift but I can understand how it might make you feel.

If you are 38 and know that you definitely want a child, please don't wait - head to a clinic to have a chat about sperm donation and IUI.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 14/11/2019 09:11

Gah! Some of the responses here are equally as shitty as the strange gift from your friend! We don't know her, you're best placed to judge if it was a dig or just a random gift. And you're allowed to feel your feelings and be upset - BUT seems like you're self aware enough to know exactly why it's upset you so much, so now is the perfect time to actually do something about it?

Plenty of previous comments about going it alone etc - have you seriously considered it? If your heart is set on a child I wouldn't dilly daily....

NotTheMrMenAgain · 14/11/2019 09:11

Dilly dally, not daily!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2019 09:18

According to the Oxford English Dictionary middle age is between about 45 and 65

So do they reckon that an average person will live to 110, then? If not, what's the point in defining something as the middle if it isn't actually in the middle? Even if they're somehow excluding childhood as a part of a person's life, that still suggests an average life expectancy of 92. Does that mean that 'elderly' begins at 66?

Missing the main point, I know, but why are middle-aged people so frightened of describing themselves as middle-aged? Why is being any particular age seen as a negative or a positive thing? It's just the number of years you've been alive. In world terms, half of all people are under 25; many people don't ever reach middle age at all.

Beesandcheese · 14/11/2019 09:18

An old school friend had this feeling of dread. She decided to become a parent anyway and is now the mum to a 1 year old and planning her 40th and utterly loving life. It is possible.

Regift the books (to your friend ) for Christmas.
I'm sorry you're feeling low. Use this though to really focus on what you want. Two of my friends keep a blackboard by their front door with goals on. This is something they have done as a result of CBT. But I think it's working for them. The more specific, small steps seem to work better but visualising the big picture is a start to getting there.
It sounds wishy washy. But think of all the things you actually want. See yourself having them. You may have to be mercenary. But if it's important to you then why not?

Beesandcheese · 14/11/2019 09:21

If it's not clear *she decided to go it alone and become a parent

Eckhart · 14/11/2019 09:22

@Beesandcheese I couldn't help laughing at 'an old school friend' in this context

DowntonCrabby · 14/11/2019 09:22

It sound a bit thoughtless, hopefully you’ll know based on how she generally is as a friend if anything was implied by it.

Is she judgemental of your life?

I wouldn’t say 38 is middle aged but would start to seriously look into your fertility options ASAP if your biggest fear is not to have children.

Oakmaiden · 14/11/2019 09:23

They are probably just books she has enjoyed and thought you would too.

I'm sorry you are feeling sad about your life, though. Maybe it is time to plan some changes?

Alicatz66 · 14/11/2019 09:24

That is a rubbish present !
Also please start looking into having a baby without Mr Right in tow ....dry your tears and make a plan !
Your friend would be a better friend if she had the balls to talk to you instead of wrapping up some books .

ChileConCarne · 14/11/2019 09:25

I am 38 and have not had a relationship since my early 20s. My deepest fear is reaching middle age without having children

^with the greatest of respect, if this is your greatest fear can I ask why you’ve spent 15 years not in a relationship?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2019 09:30

I can only assume that the people who think 38 is middle aged are a LOT younger than 38.

I'm a few years older than that and have felt middle aged since about 35. It's nothing to be ashamed about - just a description of how long you've lived.

I know many people will see it differently, but FWIW, I personally would say:
0-18 - Child/Adolescent
19-34 - Young Adult
35-59 - Middle Aged
60-74 - Older Adult
75+ - Elderly

Just ways of describing normal stages of life, same as neither being female nor male is better/worse or laudable/shameful - it's just a description of one aspect of you as a person.

Of course, these descriptions are just narrow statements of basic fact and are in no way there to define or restrict you as a whole person. There are many people who will feel younger or older than their actual age, and personal health and fitness will also play a big part. If a middle-aged person wants to go out clubbing every Saturday night, that's great; if an elderly person is still running marathons at 88, that's great too.

PlasticPatty · 14/11/2019 09:32

It's perfectly ok to cry, anytime, but especially on your birthday.
It's fine to find time passing and to think there are things you really want to do. I'm 62. You seem young to me. My dd is 37. She's young but not very young. I'm definitely middle aged but not elderly!
Relationships come and go. Get yourself a baby if you want one. I was alone at 28 with a four year old, and I'd been 'courted', engaged, married, the whole thing right through to the divorce, by then. It's ok being just you and the child/ren.
If she's really a friend, she won't have been having a dig at you, she would just want to give you something enjoyable to read. And in truth, people aren't thinking deeply about how others might feel. They're just not.

Paintedmaypole · 14/11/2019 09:33

That's an odd question Chileconcarne. As is people always have a choice about whether they are in a relationship. Is it always super easy to find someone you would like to be in a relationship with who also wants to be in a relationship with yoj? Are people supposed to just link up with whoever is available?

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/11/2019 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 09:37

These responses are horrible. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down.

Op hide the thread.

Merryoldgoat · 14/11/2019 09:37

with the greatest of respect, if this is your greatest fear can I ask why you’ve spent 15 years not in a relationship?

Is this for real? Like functional loving relationships are 10 a penny and just fall into your lap?

FFS.

OP - I wonder if perhaps on reading you might have a different point of view - it might be inspirational rather than portentous.

Are you in a position to have children alone? I understand why that wouldn’t be the first choice and I’m not sure how I’d feel about it, but if I wanted children and felt like time was limited I’d crack on alone.

And 38 is not middle-aged.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2019 09:37

It's not a well-considered gift if the friend knows that OP is sensitive about her age and which desires she has yet to achieve knowing that she doesn't have forever to do so; but otherwise, it doesn't sound like an inappropriate idea for a gift to me.

What else would people suggest for a general gift for a person in that age group - a Peppa Pig board book or a Vera Lynn autobiography?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/11/2019 09:45

People overestimate how much other people think about them! Everybody has their own lives going on and have little time, or inclination to be analysing the lives of those around them.

Are you a reader, OP? Is your friend? There's every chance she read the books herself and enjoyed them because they are funny/poignant/insightful/entertaining/illuminating whatever. It's very unlikely she went out and specifically chose these books because she specifically thinks you're struggling with middle age! Do your friends know you're unhappy? Do you tell them? Do they think you're quite content? I have single friends and I wouldn't dare to be arrogant enough to assume they wish they were married with children! Maybe they do, but maybe they're happy living a single life. At times I envy them!!

I don't think it's an insensitive gift because I don't think your friend has attached the same meaning to them as you have. I'd say she hasn't a clue that you feel so strongly that her gift upset you. If she's a good friend she wouldn't want that.

You're over thinking and attaching meaning to something that's not there because you are in a particular mindset.

chocolatefudgecake17 · 14/11/2019 09:47

I can see why you're upset @LobsteralaRiseholme I'd like to think she wasn't being cruel and she just enjoyed those books herself maybe? I can totally understand how, when you're feeling the way you are, they would seem insensitive.
I hope you're ok.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/11/2019 09:51

Something I've learned over the years, which is generally true: the books that others recommend say more about them than they do about anyone else. Often they will betray something that has struck them very personally, but which remains hidden to them and the outside world.

JavaQ · 14/11/2019 09:54

I am sure you could retaliate by giving your pal a copy of "how to win friends and influence people".

I am sorry you feel so on edge about it. As someone else said- it isn't the problem but it has reminded you of your problem as you see it.

TimeForNewStart · 14/11/2019 09:58

So she’s given you a book about the importance of female friendships and you’re taking that as an insult?

chocolatefudgecake17 · 14/11/2019 09:59

Jesus some of these responses are so nasty. @LobsteralaRiseholme my older sister met her husband at 17. I was 15 at the time. I met mine when I was almost 27. For all the years between, every time we fell out she'd say "you're just jealous of me because I have Fred and you have no one"

I used to feel so sad about it. I know I was younger but she made me feel so lonely. My mother used to call me a spinster

People can be mean and thoughtless. This thread proves it. I cannot believe how many mean replies you've had.

I hope that everything you wish for comes your way this year.

NameChange84 · 14/11/2019 10:08

Ffs previous posters...38 is not middle aged and 35 certainly isn't.

I do think it was an insensitive gift. I also think you need to grab life by the balls and figure out exactly how to get rid of the barriers preventing you from having the relationship and children you so desire. You know yourself you wouldn't have the same level of upset over this or your age (which is still a lovely, young in the grand scheme of things age to be) if you were "settled". So that is the thing you need to focus on now. I say it as someone a little younger but in a similar boat. Whatever it is you need, counselling, a match making service, alternative ways of becoming a parent - get the ball moving.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5