To think this is an insensitive birthday present?

[LobsteralaRiseholme]

A friend has given me a copy of Jane Shillings' memoir 'The Stranger in the Mirror: A Memoir of Middle Age', along with a copy of another book which seems to be a gossipy account of the author's relationships in her 20s.

I am 38 and have not had a relationship since my early 20s. My deepest fear is reaching middle age without having children. I am in floods of tears. Is this an utterly thoughtless gift or am I just being U?

I don't know why people are so mean. You sound warm and feeling but unhappy. I hope things get better for you.

OP some messages here have been really harsh. I hope you're ok.

I dont think it was an insensitive gift, she probably thought she was being thoughtful. Just brush it off, keep the friendship though! True friends are hard to come by I think x

At 38, I’d be looking at sperm donation. Make this year about achieving your goals.

Sorry reading my post back it does sound really harsh. I hope you can have a happier 2020.

I don't understand posters saying it's insensitive due to your age, 38 is hardly middle aged to most people unless you define it literally.

I think this is about your own feelings about your own situation op, and to your friend it's just a book she enjoyed.

If the second book is Everything I Know About Love, it's (spoiler) actually about how the most important and meaningful relationships she has are with her female friends

I knew someone like you. She cried every time there was the vaguest reference to time passing, children, biological clock etc. Looking back on it, it was a way to silence her fears as she didn't want to confront them. It was only when she confronted the reality of her situation did she feel better. She did end up having a baby but regrets only having one and wishes she had faced her fears sooner

38 is middle aged.

Verily no it's not, According to the Oxford English Dictionary middle age is between about 45 and 65:

You are being unreasonable. You have a lovely friend who bought you a gift. Your relationship/motherhood fears are totally separate and maybe this unintentional hint gave you the kick up the backside you needed.

Put the effort in to realise your own dreams. The stork won’t come knocking on your door. Stop dawdling and start planning. Join a relationship forum and/or a single parenting group and make those difficult decisions while you still can. There’s plenty of support out there to help inform you to make those decisions.

I think your friend has done you a favour.

Yes, I’m being harsh but you DO need a reality check!

Gosh, some harsh responses!
Perhaps your friend didn't mean intentionally but a strange gift if you've never shown an interest in the author before.

Did she read them herself and pass on? Or actually buy new copies just for you?

Why do you think the gift is insensitive OP? You do realise that at 38 and no partners for decades, you really do need to act NOW if you want children? That's just fact.

IME people who give books tend to give ones that they themselves really loved. Their passion or enthusiasm for that particular book often blinds them to the fact that it might not be someone else’s cup of tea. I bet that’s what has happened here and your friend hasn’t realised that the subject matter of the books might be upsetting for you.

So yes, in giving this gift your friend may have been a little insensitive. She might not realise how unhappy you are with your current situation. But there are worse flaws in a friend and at least she put some thought into your gift and didn’t just hand over a generic gift pack of toiletries or a botox voucher!

Seems insensitive to me

@Phoebesgift

That’s cruel for no reason. Where did you get “decades” from? She said since her mid 20s. Reading comprehension.

It's a shit gift. When I turned 30 a friend gave me a book called Why You Can't Find Mr Right (And How to Help Him Find You). The gist of it was "you're too fussy; lower your standards". I upped my standards and ditched the friend.

Dry your tears! Give the books to a charity shop. Ditch the friend. Do something about the things that are making you unhappy. (38 is not too late for a baby, btw.)

I don't know why people are being so mean to you OP. Any person doing something that infers another person is 'middle aged' risks hurting feelings. It's just a bit misplaced, as a gift, I suppose. You could tell her thank you, then have a secret birthday bonfire, a 'f*ck middle age!' bonfire, burning the book, and vowing to make this the year to attain your goals.
Take a step towards having children. Just a little one. Research sperm donation or register with a co-parenting meeting group. You'll feel happier if you feel the process of having a child has begun.

People tend to buy others books they’ve enjoyed themselves.

I doubt she meant anything by it.

Is it possible it's supposed to simply be lighthearted- because the title says "middle aged" - like those birthdays cards that say another year /another wrinkle or whatever?

If she is actually trying to give you self help then its not really her place but she probably means well

I heard this book being talked about on Radio 4's Off the Shelf. The guests and presenter were all raving about it, regardless of their age/sex. Maybe she heard that programme too, and just thought how great the book sounded and that you might enjoy it...rather than implying anything by it.

38 isn’t middle aged and I agree that people tend to buy books they have enjoyed and want to share.

There are plenty of people with kids who are in crappy relationships. Would you consider having a child alone? Have you got the resources to do it? I would absolutely look into it if I were you

It's OK to cry but YABU to blame your friend for it. She can't know that this will upset you so much. She may be sharing a book that means a lot to her or an author she enjoyed reading, or she may simply have thought, these books look interesting. Your friend is probably a similar age to you and so maybe she related to the books and thought you would too. At the same time they are about someone who (presumably) led a different life from yours (and hers) and the books talk about two very different life stages. Only one of the books is about "middle age" the other is about youth.

The books were not a deliberate dig at you nor an especially insensitive choice. But if she is a good friend you could tell her that these books touched you on a sore spot and maybe for your next birthday you would enjoy a cookery book!

@Phoebesgift

"Why do you think the gift is insensitive OP? You do realise that at 38 and no partners for decades, you really do need to act NOW if you want children? That's just fact."
The OP hasn't had a partner since her early 20s but is only 38 now so that does not constitute decades.

If I was in the same position as the OP I would consider it insensitive or, at the very least, thoughtless.

OP, if this person is really a friend I would have a chat and tell her how you feel so that she doesn't repeat her mistake.

I can't believe the responses above. Definitely an insensitive if well intentioned gift, and I can only assume that the people who think 38 is middle aged are a LOT younger than 38. I feel middle aged now but I didn't until my late 40s.

The only positive you can take from this is to redouble your efforts to change your situation.