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Boyfriend won't live with me. AIBU to dump?

113 replies

StrungAlong · 13/11/2019 23:07

NC for this one. Some context: I am 28, BF is 29. I have a DD, who is 6. He has no children. We have been together for approaching 2 years.

My boyfriend has been great for the most part. He is kind, very caring with my DD, always ready to help out in anyway he can. He has helped me with DD when I have been unwell, offered me financial support, he organises trips and fun things for us to do together as a couple and with DD. He has met all of my friends and family, who for the most part like him too, except for the big elephant in the room...

For the first year of our relationship he was very keen for us to move in with one another, we currently live 1 hour and a half apart. In the first year he would send me rental properties, properties for sale, we would talk about where we would live and what our home would be like. He was the main instigator whereas I was more reserved because of DD. It was always the understanding that he would move to where me and DD are settled as she has school, friends etc. I also work for the local police so would be unable to transfer easily. He works in the middle of both of our places so the transition is much more easy for him.

In the last year he is still wonderful, as described above, but he has starting cooling down massively when it comes to living with one another. He says things like:

'I won't be able to be spontaneous with my friends anymore.'
'I'll have to be more organised when it comes to seeing my family/friends.'
'My family won't be able to pop over anymore.'
'What if my friends/family organise something last minute?'
'You'll get annoyed with me going back a lot.'
'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'

He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings. But honestly I am fed up, he has destroyed any excitement I feel. Living together is extremely important to me, I would like to have a family unit, a partnership and more children one day. All of which he was aware of and enthusiastically agreed with in the first year of our relationship. AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?! I am also internally pissed off and seething, I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 15/11/2019 17:48

I think 18 months is the make or break in many relationships. After that the scales start to fall from your eyes and you begin to see things unclouded by romance and projection.
It sounds like this might have happened with your bf.

Davespecifico · 15/11/2019 17:49

If he moved in with you, you’d always be on edge because he would be permanently dissatisfied about his choice.

I think you’re in a good position at the moment, you can split if you want and you can continue this arrangement if you want. You’re a free agent. Personally, I’d split, I think. I think you want some to live with you, and he’s not going to do that.

User12879923378 · 15/11/2019 17:53

Well, I wouldn't really have understood why this wasn't negotiable when I was 28 and had no children. I think plenty of people aren't ready to settle down to family life then. I wasn't. But if he can't see that you cannot as a parent subject your child to massive disruption at home and school to spare him inconvenience then I don't really see how it can work for you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/11/2019 18:02

@PlanDeRaccordement but OP has a child to consider, so she has a lot more at risk than her boyfriend! She is doing the right thing by trying to disrupt her DD's life as little as possible.

OP, I would end it. It doesn't sound like he's committed to the relationship.

CheshireChat · 15/11/2019 18:05

He's worried about what would happen to him if you split up, however he doesn't give a toss what would happen to your daughter in the same scenario Hmm.

StrungAlong · 15/11/2019 18:41

Exactly. I feel like even if he said at this point he was happy to move / I said it was make or break time and he decided to move it would be because I'd effectively forced him. I want someone who can't wait to live with me, not someone who is doing it out of reluctancy or fear of being dumped if they don't. That is not a good set up at all.

Of course I wouldn't agree to move in with someone after a few months. I said I was excited to live with him, was enjoying the relationship and could definitely see it going that way but we should wait until DD gets to know him better and we've been together longer before we jump into living together. I never said I didn't want to live with him.

I am glad you have all confirmed how I was feeling. I didn't know if I was being unreasonable in my feelings or not.

OP posts:
colourbynumbers · 15/11/2019 19:02

It's a massive commitment for him, he's taking on a child as well as a live in partner.

I think 2 years is actually a short amount of time when children are involved.

If everything else is good, why rush moving in together?

billy1966 · 15/11/2019 19:35

OP, I think you know exactly what is going on.

Do not move anywhere for such a flaky person.

You have rightly prioritised your DD.

Best of luck moving on💐

Oly4 · 15/11/2019 19:58

You sound like an amazing mum and I too would not move my child between schools/friends and everything you know. I think you need to tell him you’d love to live together but that your daughter’s feeling security has to come first in this instance. Ask him to remember what it felt like to be a child.
I’d tell him you’d love to move in but if that’s not what he wants it’s time to let go

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/11/2019 20:39

"He isn't happy with any compromise."
Never a good person to be in a relationship with, someone who won't compromise.

Just as a matter of curiosity, OP; the being able to see his friends/family spontaneously seems to be a biggie. Is he actually a spontaneous person, or does he just like to think of himself as such?

StrungAlong · 15/11/2019 21:01

He is not actually a spontaneous person and he actually doesn't go out much even when he is invited. Most of the time he goes to friends houses/they come to his. Which is why I find this even more bizarre.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2019 21:15

I think if you think of it as an excuse to not move in, you won't find it bizarre at all.

You want what he's isn't willing to give you. Time to find someone who will.

RealBecca · 15/11/2019 22:07

Nah, sack him off. Your gut is right and you know it.

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