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AIBU?

Boyfriend won't live with me. AIBU to dump?

113 replies

StrungAlong · 13/11/2019 23:07

NC for this one. Some context: I am 28, BF is 29. I have a DD, who is 6. He has no children. We have been together for approaching 2 years.

My boyfriend has been great for the most part. He is kind, very caring with my DD, always ready to help out in anyway he can. He has helped me with DD when I have been unwell, offered me financial support, he organises trips and fun things for us to do together as a couple and with DD. He has met all of my friends and family, who for the most part like him too, except for the big elephant in the room...

For the first year of our relationship he was very keen for us to move in with one another, we currently live 1 hour and a half apart. In the first year he would send me rental properties, properties for sale, we would talk about where we would live and what our home would be like. He was the main instigator whereas I was more reserved because of DD. It was always the understanding that he would move to where me and DD are settled as she has school, friends etc. I also work for the local police so would be unable to transfer easily. He works in the middle of both of our places so the transition is much more easy for him.

In the last year he is still wonderful, as described above, but he has starting cooling down massively when it comes to living with one another. He says things like:

'I won't be able to be spontaneous with my friends anymore.'
'I'll have to be more organised when it comes to seeing my family/friends.'
'My family won't be able to pop over anymore.'
'What if my friends/family organise something last minute?'
'You'll get annoyed with me going back a lot.'
'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'

He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings. But honestly I am fed up, he has destroyed any excitement I feel. Living together is extremely important to me, I would like to have a family unit, a partnership and more children one day. All of which he was aware of and enthusiastically agreed with in the first year of our relationship. AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?! I am also internally pissed off and seething, I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning.

OP posts:
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CherryPavlova · 14/11/2019 08:33

You want different things at the moment and neither party is willing to compromise- never a good basis for a committed relationship.
Go your separate ways wishing each other well.

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LellyMcKelly · 14/11/2019 08:34

He doesn’t want to live with you. If he did, you’d be living together.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 14/11/2019 08:39

The novelty has worn off.

It's easy to be carried away in the first couple of years with what 'could be', to do things for children that aren't yours, to think 'life could be like this every day when we move in together...'

Then reality hits, child misbehaves and people behind the scenes say 'well, obviously a problem child, not your problem though, eh?' a few late nights partying and people telling you you won't be doing this when you've moved in with her, etc etc and suddenly the reality of not being young, free and single starts to bite.

You're incompatible. He thought he could do it, but he can't.

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OMGshefoundmeout · 14/11/2019 08:41

As @LellyMcKelly very wisely said, he would be living with you if he wanted to. Actions speak louder than words m

You clearly want different things from this relationship, that’s no-ones fault but it’s a sign that this isn’t a forever thing. Move on.

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eddielizzard · 14/11/2019 08:53

I think he doesn't want to take any risks or make any sacrifices. He wants you to do all that. Which as a mum with a child isn't something you do on a whim. Looks like you do things his way, or not at all. I'd be very wary personally.

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fedup21 · 14/11/2019 08:55

Looks like you do things his way, or not at all. I'd be very wary personally.

Well, the same could be said from his point as well. The OP doesn’t want to move to his town either.

I’d call it a day.

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eddielizzard · 14/11/2019 08:59

That's a very good point Fedup21!

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MumW · 14/11/2019 09:00

he won't be able to be 'spontaneous' and will miss out on things with friends/family, according to him
Big Fat Red Flag - he doesn't want/isn't ready to be a family man.
YADNBU but make it clear that your relationship is going nowhere as, whatever he says, his actions show he isn't prepared to commit to children with you and that is a deal breaker for you. Sorry, but I think you need to cut your losses and move on.

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MissConductUS · 14/11/2019 10:18

He's just not that interested in being tied down with you if spontaneous drop ins by relatives or nights out with the lads are worth more than a stable home life for your child.

An hour and a a half away from each other really wouldn't be doable for most couples. I'd move on and find someone closer to home.

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onthecoins · 14/11/2019 11:17

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

2 years is not that long in this case - from his point of view it's also a huge commitment to leave his home and town to potentially become a step parent and lose the free and spontaneous lifestyle he's accustomed to and enjoys. It's a lot to ask of him.

I can also see it from your point of view, your daughter is your priority and you don't want her life to be disrupted.

Is there nowhere in the middle you could look at moving together?

I don't think what you currently want is compatible.

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ChilledBee · 14/11/2019 11:21

I couldn’t exist in a marriage where we were both knowingly saving to facilitate separation as and when. I understand that financial security makes it less likely that you’re trapped in a marriage but why not work together for your own joint financial security, which obviously would mean that things were possible if you decidedly to separate, rather than both saving a ring fenced ‘fuck off fund’?! That’s just so cold and implies that your marriage is already dead in the water.

See we think of it differently. Firstly, this money allows us to have time apart - even months - without officially having to divide finances in order to survive. That gives us a chance to work things out from a distance.

We are also independently financially secure. The family house is mine. Hubby has a rental which he could live after staying with family for a while until tenants could move or if tenant can't move (new rules), he could live with family until we work something out. All options could comfortably house the children as RP or 50/50.

You mention feeling trapped. We do this exactly to avoid that situation and because we were faced with the very real reality that love isn't always enough. One of our shared goals is not to stay together purely because we can't afford to leave.

There are various ways we ensure this. It isn't just about money. We make sure we do things separately with and without the kids. We maintain friendships and hobbies. All these things make our marriage less of a chore and more of a choice.

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mencken · 14/11/2019 11:47

blimey, neither of you actually sound that bothered. Stop wasting each other's time and move on. Nobody is wrong, you just want different things.

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SunniDay · 14/11/2019 19:03

You are right to put your daughter first. Continue to do that and don't move her at all (not even closer) When this relationship is history you will be left wondering why you did. He is not a parent and if he wanted to be with you he would do the moving. If he expects you to move your child from her school/friends and support so he can go for a spontaneous pint - bin him!!

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StrungAlong · 15/11/2019 16:33

He isn't happy with any compromise. I did actually offer to move half way at one point because I suspected he wasn't happy unless we were living in his town. He said that moving half way wouldn't make a difference as unless we were in his specific hometown, he couldn't see his friends/family spontaneously or easy anyway. So for him it is pretty much move to his hometown or bust.

He has said he wants to continue the relationship to 'see if he changes his mind and how he feels at a later date' but as far as I am concerned I am not someones string along to 'wait and see if my feelings change.' I need and deserve (as well as DD), someone who is serious about us and ready to make a commitment. I am not undermining the seriousness of taking on someone else's child, moving etc. but you can't be in a relationship with someone 2 years down the road on a 'maybe/maybe not/we'll see' basis.

OP posts:
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GettingABitDesperateNow · 15/11/2019 16:47

I agree OP

If it was going to mean he had a crazy long commute or something then that's one thing. But he doesnt sound like he wants to compromise. At all. He is putting his preference for spontaneity above your daughters need for stability. If he really loved you both I'm sure he could put up with a bit more planning in his social life or missing the odd last minute night out with friends. I think I would end it personally.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 15/11/2019 16:52

He wants to continue the relationship to 'see if he changes his mind'? What if he doesn't? He will have wasted your time, got more attached to your DD (and her to him), only to walk away another year or so down the line, because he wants to be able to party with his mates (who are likely all going to be settling down and stopping being spontaneous any minute now).

Release him into the wild, OP. He wants to party. Let him. He's going to be the oldest swinger in town at this rate.

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MissConductUS · 15/11/2019 17:00

He's setting impossible conditions on everything because he doesn't want to marry you but doesn't have the balls to just say so. This is his way of making it "your fault".

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AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2019 17:06

as far as I am concerned I am not someones string along to 'wait and see if my feelings change.' I need and deserve (as well as DD), someone who is serious about us and ready to make a commitment

You damn betcha! Now, you write those words out on a piece of paper and put them up on your mirror where you'll see them every day.

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MepsiPax · 15/11/2019 17:21

Sorry OP,but to me it sounds as if he's having doubts about your relationship as a whole.

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Lana08 · 15/11/2019 17:25

Op he is very clearly telling you that he doesn’t want to move in. Listen.

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PlanDeRaccordement · 15/11/2019 17:32

Interesting.
Year 1- he wants to live together, you did not. He still invested in a relationship anyway.
Year 2- you want to live together, he does not. You are thinking that is cause to dump him.

I think he’s afraid of being hurt. Everything so far has been on your terms. I have to say you should dump him now because it seems while he respected your desire to not live together, you cannot respect his desire to not live together now. And that you think it is ok for you to change your mind, but not ok for him to change his mind.

There is a lack of reciprocity. So, there is no future and I’d let him go.

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RandomMess · 15/11/2019 17:37

I think he has realised how much he would be giving up to move away and at the moment it works perfectly well for him as it is.

Girlfriend he lives and can stay with regularly, Freedom to do as he pleases with his friends and family.

End it. He may come running back willing to move after all or not but I wouldn't waste your time carrying on as you are if you want a committed family unit.

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MitziK · 15/11/2019 17:39

He's a twat. Get rid.

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KurriKurri · 15/11/2019 17:40

He is worried that if it all goes wrong 'what then?' - but what then for him means he simply moves back to his hometown.
If you move to his hometown and it goes wrong then your little girl will end up being changed from school to school (if you move away) which will be very disruptive for her.

He's not grasping that for you what is ultimately the most important thing is the welfare of your child. That's because for him the welfare of your child is NOT the most important thing. And if you are to commit to being together as a family then it should be.

If that is how he feels, that he can't commit to being a full time father and a partner to someone with a child, then that's OK, but he needs to be honest and stop messing you and your DD around.

'I won;t be able to drop everything and see my friends the second they call' sounds like a pretty feeble excuse to me. Even if you lived in his hometown, there would surely need to be some discussion over whether you have other plans etc before he just goes out with friends.

There has to be more give and take, and balance between friend time and family time that works for both of you. This will become even more apparent if you have children together.
He's not ready to be a parent yet. Like I said - that's OK, but he needs to be upfront so you can make your choice over your future.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 15/11/2019 17:47

@PlanDeRaccordement

Damn straight she wouldn't move him in during Year 1, she has a daughter to think of! If he couldn't respect that was OP's reason for not moving in some bloke whilst still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship, then he's doubly twattish.

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