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Boyfriend won't live with me. AIBU to dump?

113 replies

StrungAlong · 13/11/2019 23:07

NC for this one. Some context: I am 28, BF is 29. I have a DD, who is 6. He has no children. We have been together for approaching 2 years.

My boyfriend has been great for the most part. He is kind, very caring with my DD, always ready to help out in anyway he can. He has helped me with DD when I have been unwell, offered me financial support, he organises trips and fun things for us to do together as a couple and with DD. He has met all of my friends and family, who for the most part like him too, except for the big elephant in the room...

For the first year of our relationship he was very keen for us to move in with one another, we currently live 1 hour and a half apart. In the first year he would send me rental properties, properties for sale, we would talk about where we would live and what our home would be like. He was the main instigator whereas I was more reserved because of DD. It was always the understanding that he would move to where me and DD are settled as she has school, friends etc. I also work for the local police so would be unable to transfer easily. He works in the middle of both of our places so the transition is much more easy for him.

In the last year he is still wonderful, as described above, but he has starting cooling down massively when it comes to living with one another. He says things like:

'I won't be able to be spontaneous with my friends anymore.'
'I'll have to be more organised when it comes to seeing my family/friends.'
'My family won't be able to pop over anymore.'
'What if my friends/family organise something last minute?'
'You'll get annoyed with me going back a lot.'
'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'

He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings. But honestly I am fed up, he has destroyed any excitement I feel. Living together is extremely important to me, I would like to have a family unit, a partnership and more children one day. All of which he was aware of and enthusiastically agreed with in the first year of our relationship. AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?! I am also internally pissed off and seething, I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning.

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 14/11/2019 07:11

Time to call it a day op

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 14/11/2019 07:14

He's showing you that he won't prioritise your child's needs over his own. That doesn't bode well for having children together, does it?

AmIThough · 14/11/2019 07:31

I don't think two years is actually a massive amount of time. I understand him wanting his independence and being worried about the commitment becoming a 'family' brings.

The issue is everything being on his terms and being about his feelings and needs, and him pushing for it until you confirmed you wouldn't be moving away from home.

If you don't want to be with him and think you're incompatible then you're of course not unreasonable to leave him.

If you do want to live with him why not suggest he just tries living with you for a few weeks and see how it goes (and keep his own place for now too). He could still go to his friends after work sometimes if he wants to, his family can still visit.

The only change is he'll need to mention it rather than just doing it, surely?

Louloulovesyou · 14/11/2019 07:37

He sounds like a complete homebird, who wouldn't ever want to leave his home comforts.

fedup21 · 14/11/2019 07:38

He doesn't want to move to your town, you don't want to move to his. The reasons why aren't important, per se, since in these situations the reasons are only relevant to the individual. Neither of you are 'wrong', you both have a 'right' to live where you want to regardless of the reason. So, both of you are 'geographically undesirable' to the other.

Yes, this. I don’t think he’s being any more difficult than you. You say you’re prepared to compromise but only if your child doesn’t have to move primary school so presumably you’re not willing to move far.

2 years is not long to be together and talking about moving in when you have a child really.

Candle1000 · 14/11/2019 07:39

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, he has his wants and needs as do you. If those wants and needs don’t match then you either both compromise or call it a day . Both parties have to be 100% sure that they are doing the right thing , otherwise it will cause resentment in the future.

Amanduh · 14/11/2019 07:40

I think people are being hard on him too. Ok the sending properties etc in the beginning is annoying, but he probably didn’t quite grasp the full reality of it all. ‘He won’t put your child as the main priority’ well yes, she isn’t his child, he has said he isn’t ready to do it, doesn’t make him a dithering irresponsible man child. I assume if you have been with him only two years then your child has known him a lot less of that time, what’s the rush to move him in with your young child after such a short time? Moving from a town to be in a ready made family unit isn’t something to be done lightly. If you aren’t compatible and want different things, fair enough, but I don’t think he’s wrong either.

ChilledBee · 14/11/2019 07:45

I think sometimes when we have kids, we underestimate the importance of family to people who do not. For example, my midwife friend is happily childfree so her colleagues assume that she should work every christmas day because christmas is about kids and she doesn't want any.

I'd take steps to alleviate his concerns. My husband and I have a "fuck off fund" or what he calls "vex money". We have a savings account each where we put a small amount each month in both. We started this after we nearly split soon after our wedding. It means that if we do split, one of us can use that money to "fuck off" and won't be destitute. Some people see it as pessimistic but for us, it is more realistic and it makes every day we stay together a choice rather than an indication of our lack of options.

echt · 14/11/2019 07:47

I have almost broken up with him several times

You're not two years in on this relationship. This alone says it all.

Get rid.

MyOtherProfile · 14/11/2019 07:49

He's still on single bloke land while you're in family land.

MrsNoMopp · 14/11/2019 07:54

Bin the selfish timewaster.

Rainycloudyday · 14/11/2019 07:57

Wow @ChilledBee that’s so sad. I couldn’t exist in a marriage where we were both knowingly saving to facilitate separation as and when. I understand that financial security makes it less likely that you’re trapped in a marriage but why not work together for your own joint financial security, which obviously would mean that things were possible if you decidedly to separate, rather than both saving a ring fenced ‘fuck off fund’?! That’s just so cold and implies that your marriage is already dead in the water.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 08:04

It doesn’t sound like he’s the one. He’s stringing you along-how many threads do we see on here exactly the same but 10 years down the line?

BunnyColvin · 14/11/2019 08:05

OP you have the ideal setup. Why would you want to change it? Meet him for dates/shagging/holidays etc and keep your life the way it is. I'm sure your DD is happy with the way things are and that's equally important.

BackwardsGoing · 14/11/2019 08:05

Two years is not long when moving in involves so much upheaval for both of you and your child.

I'd suggest putting it completely off the table for 6 months to a year and then revisit it. Go back to dating.

You have a child OP, you will be more mature than him out of necessity. He got caught up in the excitement of an early romance and now he's thinking through the practicalities. Annoying but sensible.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 08:06

OP you have the ideal setup. Why would you want to change it?

It’s clearly not the ideal set up for the op. Confused

NameChangeNugget · 14/11/2019 08:07

What’s the rush? You’ve not been together two years yet.

Enjoy the now, don’t let it pass you by and stop being fixated on the future.

plantainchips · 14/11/2019 08:07

In what way his he stringing her along. 2 years isn’t that long of a time for him to be moving away from friends and family and moving in with someone with a child already. If he’s ready, that’s good. But he clearly isn’t. The child won’t have known him for that long either.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 08:09

It’s classic behaviour from this sort of person...I want to move in, I want to move in, no the time isn’t right now, no it’s not right now either, it definitely will be in the future...

The future never arrives.

sniffingthewax · 14/11/2019 08:12

Are you sure he doesn't have someone on the other arm when he's not with you? Regardless, he has made his feelings clear, he doesn't want to commit to you yet. It isn't up to you to change his mind, you need to walk away.

BuckingFrolics · 14/11/2019 08:12

He's talking with you about how he feels, and about his needs and fears. That's good. He's communicating and being open. That's good. Help him - genuinely, rather than manipulate him - explore all the pros anc cons. You want someone who is a realist and who makes well judged decisions surely?

nannybeach · 14/11/2019 08:15

It is a well known "meidcal" fact that during the first year in a relationship our bodies produce "love" (or lust) chemicals which bind us together, then it calms down. People these days move into together far too quickly, often several times, you have to consider any children in this mix. If he is so kind considerate, ask yourself, is it worth waiting to see how things pan out, and then think very carefully about a future, and one of you moving.


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altiara · 14/11/2019 08:28

2 years isn’t a long time but there is no compromise - either you live in his town or your town, so what’s the point continuing with the relationship? His priority is his town and if you had children together, from what you’ve written, he’d definitely want that to be in his town near his friends/family. There’s just no compromise.

TatianaLarina · 14/11/2019 08:28

He wants me to move to his town, anything else and he won't be able to be 'spontaneous' and will miss out on things with friends/family, according to him.

And so what you and DD would miss out on factors in where?

Your needs and wants come first, yours are incompatible and he doesn’t show any sign of being able to compromise or consider your kids which a poor trait in a step parent.

echt · 14/11/2019 08:31

What’s the rush? You’ve not been together two years yet.
Enjoy the now, don’t let it pass you by and stop being fixated on the future

Have you read what the OP wrote? : I have almost broken up with him several times

I agree the first two years should be good, but they're shit, the OP's own view.

Bin him off. Now.

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