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AIBU?

Boyfriend won't live with me. AIBU to dump?

113 replies

StrungAlong · 13/11/2019 23:07

NC for this one. Some context: I am 28, BF is 29. I have a DD, who is 6. He has no children. We have been together for approaching 2 years.

My boyfriend has been great for the most part. He is kind, very caring with my DD, always ready to help out in anyway he can. He has helped me with DD when I have been unwell, offered me financial support, he organises trips and fun things for us to do together as a couple and with DD. He has met all of my friends and family, who for the most part like him too, except for the big elephant in the room...

For the first year of our relationship he was very keen for us to move in with one another, we currently live 1 hour and a half apart. In the first year he would send me rental properties, properties for sale, we would talk about where we would live and what our home would be like. He was the main instigator whereas I was more reserved because of DD. It was always the understanding that he would move to where me and DD are settled as she has school, friends etc. I also work for the local police so would be unable to transfer easily. He works in the middle of both of our places so the transition is much more easy for him.

In the last year he is still wonderful, as described above, but he has starting cooling down massively when it comes to living with one another. He says things like:

'I won't be able to be spontaneous with my friends anymore.'
'I'll have to be more organised when it comes to seeing my family/friends.'
'My family won't be able to pop over anymore.'
'What if my friends/family organise something last minute?'
'You'll get annoyed with me going back a lot.'
'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'

He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings. But honestly I am fed up, he has destroyed any excitement I feel. Living together is extremely important to me, I would like to have a family unit, a partnership and more children one day. All of which he was aware of and enthusiastically agreed with in the first year of our relationship. AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?! I am also internally pissed off and seething, I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning.

OP posts:
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Stephminx · 14/11/2019 00:47

I’m on the fence with this one.

I actually think 2 years is not that long, particularly when there are children to factor in. How quickly did you introduce him to your DD ? He does not have his own kids and the jump from visiting fun boyfriend to full time step dad is a massive one. I can understand why he’s making sure he’s ready before making that commitment - I would want to be certain rather than risk it all going wrong and having a negative impact on you all, particularly the children. He’s also realising he’s moving away from family and friends, and is giving up a lot of freedom, to move in with you. Parenting is a massive adjustment at first and you have to become really selfless. It’s hard enough for your own kids, let alone someone else’s.

To me you sound like you initially had the right idea, not letting yourself get carried away and slowing things down. He seems to have joined you in your way of thinking as the reality of it all sets in. But you appear to have swapped places with him and are adopting his initial attitude.

I do think moving in with someone after 2 years is quick when children are involved (how long has your DD known him - presumably much less than 2 years ?). I’m not sure I’d even introduce someone new to my kids in under one year to make sure it’s serious / long term and you are both happy together without (slowly) introducing children into the dynamic of the relationship.

I personally think he’s being sensible here and I don’t think it’s fair for you to push him if he’s not ready. If he’s not in this 100% but pushes ahead anyway it could end up backfiring badly.

However, his 180 degree change could mean he’s having serious doubts about the relationship itself (rather than its speed if you see what I mean). I guess all you can do is ask if he honestly sees a future along the lines you describe and in your area. If he says yes, it’s up to you as to whether you believe him and how long you’ll wait (but I do think moving someone in within 2 years is too quick when children are involved).

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CeridwenTheWitch · 14/11/2019 00:58

Honestly OP I think you'd be best cutting ties with him and moving on. You're only young and it's worth holding out for someone who you can be really happy with, who wants the same things as you.

It sounds like he's being non committal, immature, and blowing hot and cold. I don't think he's showing signs of someone you could have a stable happy family unit with, especially if he's asking things like 'what if my friends arrange something last minute.' The answer to that would be 'tough' because every relationship requires some sacrifice. He can't be both a single man and also have you. It is reminding me of this book called Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl.

If it were me I'd write it all out in my journal then go with my gut.

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caringcarer · 14/11/2019 00:58

It sounds like after two years he now fully understands the reality of living with a child and has decided he is not ready. He might never be ready. At beginning of relationship he did not know how living with a child would mean responsibility and commitment. If you want another child you may need to move on.

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managedmis · 14/11/2019 01:02

Ha'penny and t'gingerbread

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managedmis · 14/11/2019 01:03

Again; his town, his friends, his family.

^
Yup.

Your daughter is the priority, not him

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DioneTheDiabolist · 14/11/2019 01:07

YANBU to dump him OP. This relationship has run its course. It's time for you to go your separate ways.Flowers

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Creepster · 14/11/2019 01:21

Your prospect for a successful relationship with a partner who can't tolerate being inconvenienced in any way but is more than happy for you to be is zero.

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AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2019 01:26

He doesn't want to move to your town, you don't want to move to his. The reasons why aren't important, per se, since in these situations the reasons are only relevant to the individual. Neither of you are 'wrong', you both have a 'right' to live where you want to regardless of the reason. So, both of you are 'geographically undesirable' to the other.

Sounds as if he'd be happy to continue as is, but since aren't then you need to call it quits and look for someone closer (or willing to relocate).

I agree that he has no idea of the responsibilities of parenthood and doesn't realize the upheaval involved in moving a child. But he doesn't have to consider that. You do.

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Kiwiinkits · 14/11/2019 01:42

I have almost broken up with him several times. I've had very serious conversations about my wants and wishes, our incompatibility.

Well he’s cooled off because you’ve pitched in all this uncertainty into your relationship.
Plus, Deep and Meaningfuls are relationship-killers.

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Durgasarrow · 14/11/2019 01:58

He may be wonderful but he's not wonderful for you. He doesn't want you. Don't go begging after him it's just sad.

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YerAWizardHarry · 14/11/2019 01:59

Had this- 30 year old boyfriend would rather live at home with his mum than move in with me and DS in my 3 bed with plenty space.

Told me he didn't want to get married, settle down etc after two years together. I was heartbroken at the time but met my now DP after and realise that the first boyfriend was just a wet blanket who wanted to have his cake and eat it too

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PapayaCoconut · 14/11/2019 02:12

'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'

Nice... Confused He's already thinking about breaking up. You should beat him to it. On a serious note, he sounds way too flaky to be a stepdad.

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Monty27 · 14/11/2019 02:22

Had this too. 13 years of it in fact. Wasted some of the best years of my life.
Tell him where to go with his half baked controlling behaviour.
Meet someone with better intentions.
Be strong Flowers

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BorisJohnsonsModelBus · 14/11/2019 02:23

I'd wonder if there might perhaps be another woman near where he lives, to be honest.

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1forAll74 · 14/11/2019 02:35

It's not a happy situation for you at all. all this wondering for you, and all this dithering about from him. I would hope that you could get something special with this relationship. but it seems doubtful from what you have said here.

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Kiwiinkits · 14/11/2019 03:36

Wait, she’s allowed to have deep conversations about how she’s “not sure” and “incompatibility” but as soon as he expresses a shadow of a doubt he’s “dithering” and dumpable. Double standards people, double standards.

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Preggosaurus9 · 14/11/2019 03:48

You both want different things. Part ways now rather than prolong the agony and turn bitter towards each other.

You've done the right thing by resisting the early love bombing btw. Also doing the right thing by staying put where you and DD are settled.

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RichPetunia · 14/11/2019 04:21

Why does it have to be all or nothing? You have the autonomy to run your own household; your boyfriend has the same. Other than you wanting to move in together things are going well. I'd say if it's not broke, don't fix it.
I'm coming at this from a personal point of view having split from my partner and now living alone. I'm happy to have other boyfriends, but can't really see me wanting to live with anyone again: Value your independence and the opportunities for a breathing space.

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Wallywobbles · 14/11/2019 04:21

We've moved to DH's area. I'm very lonely. Not managed to make my own friends. We did it for good reasons but I regret it socially speaking. 4 kids between us so maybe that's why we never get invited back to people. But it's worn beyond thin. DH is fine as his 3 best friends live close.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2019 04:40

He’s not right for you. Stop wasting your time with someone, who cannot be bothered to put your dd first. I would also be dubious if he comes back to you and says he’s changed his mind. He’s blown hot and cold on you so often that he may begrudgingly move and spend the whole time berating you or bemoaning the sacrifices he made to be with you.

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Greenwingmemories · 14/11/2019 05:23

I agree that he probably wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the security of you being there, making a nice home and a family environment. But he also wants the single life with spontaneous nights out and no commitment. I'd also worry that if you moved to his home town you'd be stuck at home while he went around being spontaneous with his mates.

Not saying he's a bad person either, just that he wants different things from you and you'd be better off finding someone more compatible. He might make enough of the right noises in your serious discussions to keep you on board (don't want to split up etc) but not the serious business of actually committing.

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AgentJohnson · 14/11/2019 06:52

Move on, you aren’t compatible on a fundamental level and rather than be open and honest he’s making excuses

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DeathStare · 14/11/2019 06:56

I think a lot of people are being a bit unfair on him to be honest. OP - neither you nor he wants to move town - for different reasons but important reasons to each of you.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about whether you should still be together. Unfortunately sometimes relationships don't work out because the two people just do not want the same thing at the same time. I think the worry would be that if you don't make a decision about this it could easily drag on and on, without any changes actually being made.

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Countryescape · 14/11/2019 06:56

Yep dump him. He’s wasting your time

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Dontdisturbmenow · 14/11/2019 07:07

AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?
AIBU yes. Two years is not that long and if you think of it, what you are suggesting won't be a great change for you, with only things to gain, whereas it will be a massive adjustment to him with much more to have to give up.

You might be pissed off, but you should actually be grateful that he is being thoughtful and reflective on the reality of what it means to move in together. Would you rather that he did and to be back here posting in 6 months, moaning that he is always out with his friends, doing his hobbies, not helping enough with your DD and complaining that you want to TTC but he won't?

Of course he mentioned moving in with you and all at the beggining, but he had no real idea what it entailed. He now knows what it is like to become a family with a young child and the potential of more to come and rightly so, he is thinking that it is not yet the time for him.

If it'd been 5 years, I could understand that you'd be upset, but almost 2 years is not much time at all and you are both still young. Pushing him into something is not ready is only going to end in disaster because if he does end up feeling trapped, which is what is currently scaring him, then you can bet he will only resent you and instead of getting closer, you'll be in the same roof with a much larger distance between the two of you. Don't pressure him.

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