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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my nearly 4 year old should be able to stay over at my mums?

94 replies

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 19:48

Basically, out of the blue I'm a single mum, sad situation I don't want to go into as it's identifiable.
I have very poorly twins, really unwell. I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in 3 days. Its only a virus but they haven't dealt with it well at all.
My eldest is nearly four, goes to my mums every week (not to help me, if anything it's inconvenient as I have to drop him off and collect him as my mum likes to park outside her house and not lose the space.
Loves his nan, they have a great relationship.
Basically, my mum asked if he can sleep over so I've packed his bag, prepped him for it, it's come to bed time and he's cried for 2 minutes (not actually got into bed) and I've had a call asking me to collect him, twins are in bed and have been for an hour at this point so then I have to get them in the car and go and fetch him.
We've done this about 8 times in a year, I've asked for her to persevere and even try him for an hour, sit with him etc. No she says "I don't think he's ready, you're not ready are you love?" so I've said "well let's leave it then I can't keep doing this it's mind numbing, i can't keep getting the twins in and out the car at 8pm"
But then her and my son get bloody talking about sleepovers again and I get them both asking and it's rinse and repeat.

Right now, I really needed him to go to sleepover, the twins are disturbing him as they have been crying all night, literally sleeping for an hour then someone wakes and I have to get calpol etc. He's been moaning that he's tired, he's obviously not sleeping as I'm not either. Mum knows this, offered to have him again....
Obviously the same things happened again!
I'm so worried and worn out, why can't he sleep there? Why can't my mum persevere past 2 minutes of crying? Why does she keep suggesting sleepovers? Why does she tell him "he's not ready" after he's started crying? The whole bloody thing is mad.
When I was 3 I had to sleep at my grandparents just so my mum and dad could go out drinking, I didn't love it but nobody came back if I cried.
He has his own room there btw.
AIBU to say no more bloody attempts? And does anyone Have any advice?
My head is done in, I'm so tired...

BTW I do love my mum!

OP posts:
legalseagull · 13/11/2019 19:51

I'd say no! Your babies are unwell and she offered to have your eldest. She can power through surely! I wouldn't be dragging the twins out because she's changed her mind

FTMF30 · 13/11/2019 19:52

I would firmly tell your mum not to even hint at sleepovers unless she is fully prepared to keep him through the night. I'm surprised your mum would be happy for you to take 2babies out in the night for something so silly.
Explain everything you have said here.

littlepaddypaws · 13/11/2019 19:53

i don't understand why dm is backing down either, surely she can distract him with something like a bedtime story, phoning you after 2 minutes of crying is silly and i wouldn't be paying too much attention to it, you have your hands full with your twins.

Di11y · 13/11/2019 19:54

she either perseveres or stops talking about sleepovers. or at the least drops your dd home!

AhNowTed · 13/11/2019 19:55

How exhausting, poor you.

I would ask her to persevere. The more she gives in the more he will try it on (for attention maybe).

Once she sticks to it and doesn't roll over he'll get the message.

At the very least she shouldn't expect you to put 2 kids in the car because she doesn't want to lose her space', that's ridiculous.

isitxmasyet · 13/11/2019 19:55

He should stay there
No way I’d disturb the poorly twins just to go get him

If she’s that desperate she can drive him home

She sounds hard work OP

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 13/11/2019 19:58

She needs to bring him home if she's decided he's too upset to stay. It's ridiculous making you go out at 8pm with twin babies or toddlers. YANBU to say no to any more attempts if she can't agree to that.

Sunshinegirl82 · 13/11/2019 19:58

This is ridiculous. She could at least drop him home?? Don't take the babies out, it's freezing here and raining.

I know you don't want to discuss you becoming a single parent but is your ex partner in a position to have overnight contact? Do you have a relationship with your ex partners family?

Your DM sounds like she could me more of a hindrance than a help.

I would 100% shut down any suggestion of a sleep over going forward. I'd also be cutting down the weekly visits if it's inconvenient for you. Needs must right now.

I hope your babies are on the mend soon.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2019 19:58

I wouldn't go. If she wants she can bring him back by helicopter..or by whatever mode of transport she wants, but I wouldn't be going out in your situation.

rosieposies · 13/11/2019 19:59

Sounds just like my mum. Love her to pieces but blimey she can be hard work sometimes.

I'm surprised she lets you put two sleeping babies in the car to go and get him though??

Funnyface1 · 13/11/2019 20:00

Tell her she can bring him back if she wants but you're not getting poorly kids out of bed on a freezing cold night.

Then tell her to never think about offering a sleepover ever again.

mintcorneto · 13/11/2019 20:01

YANBU

Wtf is DM playing at? Why would she think it's acceptable to pull two sleeping and unwell babies out of their beds to come and collect a 4 year old that she is suppose to be looking after?

I would say no or at least tell her to drop DS home

Jollitwiglet · 13/11/2019 20:03

Tell her he either stays or she drops him home, end of. She wanted him to stay, so he can stay

tinyvulture · 13/11/2019 20:03

My mother-in-law used to be like this..... Don’t go. Don’t get the twins up. He’ll fall asleep soon.

Sexnotgender · 13/11/2019 20:04

YANBU, she’s being the exact opposite of helpful! I’d say the twins are sleeping and you’re not taking them out in the freezing cold as they are ill.

RolytheRhino · 13/11/2019 20:05

Next time, don't answer when she calls. Then listen to the voicemail. If it's just that he's upset, wait until the morning and say your phone must've been on silent and that you're terribly sorry.

JPharm · 13/11/2019 20:05

Seems very odd, she’s been a parent so she surely knows it’s not easy sometimes. What did she do with you when you were little? Surely you didn’t just put yourself to bed.

I would not contact her for an hour and see what she does. If she still insists he needs to come back then she should be the one to bring him. Be firm that you are not leaving the house.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/11/2019 20:06

I would tell her firmly that as she suggested the sleepover she can either persevere with it or drop him home but you aren’t going anywhere, then switch off your phone.

Chilledout11 · 13/11/2019 20:07

This is very mean of her. She needs to drop him back. Then firmly tell her not to mention sleepovers again.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 13/11/2019 20:08

She has to bring him back. If she doesn’t he stays - up to her but dragging ill babies out in the cold once they are finally asleep is not one of the options.

happycamper11 · 13/11/2019 20:09

Refuse the sleepovers or refuse to collect. He'll be fine either way. Whatever happens don't ever go out to get him short of an emergency again.

SquashedOrange · 13/11/2019 20:10

I wouldn't go.
She wanted him to sleepover. Getting two sick babies out of bed in any situation that isn't an emergency is just ridiculous.

MrsOnions · 13/11/2019 20:11

Your mum is being ridiculous and selfish. I hope your twins are on the mend soon and you get some rest Flowers

InABigCountry · 13/11/2019 20:15

Sorry you are in this situation, it sounds like very hard work. Sounds like your mother likes the idea of sleepovers but can't be bothered with the reality. I wouldn't be going to get him either unless he was unwell. If it was me I wouldn't be running over to hers, let her visit you.
Is there anyone else that can help out? Hope things improve Flowers

ArialAnna · 13/11/2019 20:19

If you want to avoid a confrontation there's a easy solution:

"No problem mum, I'll be right over"

5 mins later : "Sorry mum, car won't start, you'll either have to drive him back yourself or keep him at yours" Simples