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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my nearly 4 year old should be able to stay over at my mums?

94 replies

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 19:48

Basically, out of the blue I'm a single mum, sad situation I don't want to go into as it's identifiable.
I have very poorly twins, really unwell. I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in 3 days. Its only a virus but they haven't dealt with it well at all.
My eldest is nearly four, goes to my mums every week (not to help me, if anything it's inconvenient as I have to drop him off and collect him as my mum likes to park outside her house and not lose the space.
Loves his nan, they have a great relationship.
Basically, my mum asked if he can sleep over so I've packed his bag, prepped him for it, it's come to bed time and he's cried for 2 minutes (not actually got into bed) and I've had a call asking me to collect him, twins are in bed and have been for an hour at this point so then I have to get them in the car and go and fetch him.
We've done this about 8 times in a year, I've asked for her to persevere and even try him for an hour, sit with him etc. No she says "I don't think he's ready, you're not ready are you love?" so I've said "well let's leave it then I can't keep doing this it's mind numbing, i can't keep getting the twins in and out the car at 8pm"
But then her and my son get bloody talking about sleepovers again and I get them both asking and it's rinse and repeat.

Right now, I really needed him to go to sleepover, the twins are disturbing him as they have been crying all night, literally sleeping for an hour then someone wakes and I have to get calpol etc. He's been moaning that he's tired, he's obviously not sleeping as I'm not either. Mum knows this, offered to have him again....
Obviously the same things happened again!
I'm so worried and worn out, why can't he sleep there? Why can't my mum persevere past 2 minutes of crying? Why does she keep suggesting sleepovers? Why does she tell him "he's not ready" after he's started crying? The whole bloody thing is mad.
When I was 3 I had to sleep at my grandparents just so my mum and dad could go out drinking, I didn't love it but nobody came back if I cried.
He has his own room there btw.
AIBU to say no more bloody attempts? And does anyone Have any advice?
My head is done in, I'm so tired...

BTW I do love my mum!

OP posts:

Abouttimemum · 14/11/2019 08:41

Orrrrrr can you all not stay there one night or is there not the room?

PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 14/11/2019 08:54

for you OP this sounds like a tremendously stressful situation for you, the very last thing you need is your brat of a mother creating work for you. You are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.

EntropyRising · 14/11/2019 09:39

It's hard for me to understand a mother doing this to another mother, much less her daughter.

She's had a total empathy bypass.

So sorry OP.

HotCrossPun1 · 14/11/2019 09:54

Goodness op you have more than enough on your plate without this.

Please have a word with your mum (out of earshot of ds) to stop mentioning sleepovers for now and some time to come. Surely she can’t be unaware of the stress and fallout she’s causing you? 😳

She reminds me a bit of my mother. I too had twins and a 3 yr old. Her ‘helping’ me tended to actually be more geared to her agenda. It was very exasperating.

Beesandcheese · 14/11/2019 10:03

I'd stop the 4 year old going round. And tell her you don't have time to be going out of your way so she can be busy raising and dashing the expectations of a small child.
Then just visit when it's less fraught for all of you, in the day where you can try to work out what it is that is upsetting him so much. It must be hugely concerning that he has such a negative reaction to her in this way.

EL8888 · 14/11/2019 10:17

Your mum is being unreasonable and ridiculous. You need to persevere with these things. If she was that desperate to return your son then she should have drove him. It wasn’t fair on your or your ill twins

EL8888 · 14/11/2019 10:18

Oh and the persevering is your mum -not you!

Courtney555 · 14/11/2019 10:42

Your mother is being an absolute arse.

You are a newly single mother, of poorly twins. And she's telling you to wake them for the 8th occasion to collect your 4yo because she winds him up with "you need mummy don't you" nonsense the moment he pulls the waterworks instead of putting him to bed, for a sleepover that's she's bloody asked for. 8 times?? And you have to go through all this rigmarole because she might lose her parking spot if she brings him home?!

Seriously, what kind of brat is this? OP you need to talk to her. Does she take the absolute piss all the time? The fact you've allowed this 8 times now suggests you pussyfoot around her selfish behaviour.

You need to sit her down and explain you are exhausted. You need her help and she's actually creating extra work for you. Make it very clear that the 4yo is going for a sleepover at Nannie's, because he needs a night not disrupted by the twins, and that it's not ok that she panders to his waterworks and demands immediately that you uproot everyone to collect him. He stays. End of. She's virtually instructing him that he needs you when he doesn't...what's this instant pass the buck behaviour all about?

This seems to be deeper rooted....

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 14/11/2019 10:48

Her behaviour is outrageous and I'm flabbergasted that your mother could treat her daughter in such a way.
As for not driving him home herself in case she loses a parking space, words fail me, why the heck does she have a car if she doesn't use it when necessary?
Oh and I'd personally tell her to that if she couldn't bring you son home then she'd need to sit up with him until the morning if he wouldn't sleep. I'm sure he'd miraculously fall asleep then

nomoreclue · 14/11/2019 10:57

Her behaviour is unacceptable. Sorry but Fuck her parking space. If she doesn’t want to keep him then she should be the one driving. You do NOT get poorly twins out of bed again. Next time she asks for a sleepover you say a firm no. My mother has had my kids over since they were babies. Sometimes they don’t sleep. She sits up and watches tv with them. She doesn’t call unless they are poorly. Your mother should be helping you out not making life harder. Why isn’t she at your house, sitting with the poorly kids so you can get some sleep. Makes me so mad. I’d do anything to have a daughter and grandkids. Some people don’t know how lucky they are

Courtney555 · 14/11/2019 11:10

I'd personally tell her to that if she couldn't bring you son home then she'd need to sit up with him until the morning if he wouldn't sleep. I'm sure he'd miraculously fall asleep then

Damn right.

It's all too much effort for this ridiculous woman to actually put him to bed. So sick twins can be hauled out of bed to accommodate her princessy behaviour. Don't even get me started on prioritising a parking space over any of her grandchildren.

If OP just said, sorry, my car won't start, as PP suggested, and the grandmother actually had to take any accountability for the situation she's created, the 4yo would suddenly be able to go to bed. Guarantee it.

Why she's been allowed to do this 8 times is beyond me.

Tvstar · 14/11/2019 14:20

I very much doubt he only cried for 2 minutes. I suspect he was distraught and of course under these circumstances his well being us paramount.
Presumably he has needed picking up the previous 7 times so it was a fair bet he woukd again.
Stop putting all this on your dm! He is your kid, you let him go and should have been able to guess thus would happen. Own your shit!!

Twogirls19 · 14/11/2019 14:44

Let me get this right... you give in, get the sick babies up, drive to her house and SHE WONT EVEN BRING HIM TO YOUR CAR DOOR??? Because she’s in pyjamas? OP, I know you love her and you are under enormous stress right now but nothing will change here unless you make it change. She is being woefully selfish. You just have to tell her to stop making the suggestions in front of him, or tell him firmly that there won’t be any sleepovers until he’s older no matter what DG says, or forewarn her that you will not disturb the twins again next time. And stick to your guns.

MiniMum97 · 14/11/2019 14:50

Why are you giving in to her. I would just have said no I can't come and get him, the twins are in bed.

Talkingmouse · 14/11/2019 15:02

She is being extremely selfish.

Many/some gps want the fun bits without taking any of the accountability for developmental issues such as this.

Tell her a complete ban on sleepovers for the next 6 months. No debate & no deviating from this.

campion · 14/11/2019 15:12

Agree with Tvstar
He's your 3 yr old,not your mother's. He's obviously not ready so why keep doing it?
If you want to prove a point with your mother, tell her to come and help you at your house. If she won't then she won't be seeing her dgc for a while because you aren't able to be a taxi service.
But don't force this on your DS just because you think she's unreasonable.

Purpledragon40 · 14/11/2019 15:37

Laughing out loud imagining my dm calling me to say she couldn't handle my kids. Tell your dm to grow a pair, my dm or dmil would probably knock my kids out with a tyre iron before they told me they couldn't get them to go to sleep.

JPharm · 14/11/2019 15:38

OP, I know you love her and you are under enormous stress right now but nothing will change here unless you make it change.

I agree, if you keep doing the same thing you can’t expect different results. I would maybe say that if she wants to see her grandchildren then she must be the one to come over to you. Say no to sleepovers until your son is old enough to understand fully that if he wants to stay over then he must go to bed and stay the night. None of you need the disruption that your mother seems to bring right now.

ChristmasFluff · 14/11/2019 16:30

She sounds really selfish, and I cannot believe the way she is messing you and your poorly twins around. Except I can.

In future, just say no to sleepovers. Honestly, with mothers like this, it's the easiest thing. If your son asks, tell him he can go when he's 15. If your mother asks why, tell her it's so he can get a taxi back himself if he can't sleep.

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