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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my nearly 4 year old should be able to stay over at my mums?

94 replies

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 19:48

Basically, out of the blue I'm a single mum, sad situation I don't want to go into as it's identifiable.
I have very poorly twins, really unwell. I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in 3 days. Its only a virus but they haven't dealt with it well at all.
My eldest is nearly four, goes to my mums every week (not to help me, if anything it's inconvenient as I have to drop him off and collect him as my mum likes to park outside her house and not lose the space.
Loves his nan, they have a great relationship.
Basically, my mum asked if he can sleep over so I've packed his bag, prepped him for it, it's come to bed time and he's cried for 2 minutes (not actually got into bed) and I've had a call asking me to collect him, twins are in bed and have been for an hour at this point so then I have to get them in the car and go and fetch him.
We've done this about 8 times in a year, I've asked for her to persevere and even try him for an hour, sit with him etc. No she says "I don't think he's ready, you're not ready are you love?" so I've said "well let's leave it then I can't keep doing this it's mind numbing, i can't keep getting the twins in and out the car at 8pm"
But then her and my son get bloody talking about sleepovers again and I get them both asking and it's rinse and repeat.

Right now, I really needed him to go to sleepover, the twins are disturbing him as they have been crying all night, literally sleeping for an hour then someone wakes and I have to get calpol etc. He's been moaning that he's tired, he's obviously not sleeping as I'm not either. Mum knows this, offered to have him again....
Obviously the same things happened again!
I'm so worried and worn out, why can't he sleep there? Why can't my mum persevere past 2 minutes of crying? Why does she keep suggesting sleepovers? Why does she tell him "he's not ready" after he's started crying? The whole bloody thing is mad.
When I was 3 I had to sleep at my grandparents just so my mum and dad could go out drinking, I didn't love it but nobody came back if I cried.
He has his own room there btw.
AIBU to say no more bloody attempts? And does anyone Have any advice?
My head is done in, I'm so tired...

BTW I do love my mum!

OP posts:

lynzpynz · 13/11/2019 20:22

"DM the twins are poorly and in bed finally sleeping, not disturbing them so if DS has to come home fair enough but you'll have to facilitate the logistics of this or persevere with him as I'm now stuck in!"

Send this ^ it's not rude, it's to the point and it's a perfectly valid reason. Absolutely do not pull poor sick kids out of bed to go fix the mess it sounds like she's got herself in!

clairedelalune · 13/11/2019 20:25

I'm going to go against the grain here. For whatever reason you are now a single parent. I fully understand that it is really really difficult with poorly babies too, but for the 4 year old, whatever the circumstances of becoming a single parent, it is a trauma for him. At the point where he will be needing stability and assurance he is being asked to stay elsewhere, which is quite a lot for such a little person to cope with. You definitely need support with poorly babies and him though, so is there any chance of your mum coming to stay with you for a few days, to help keep status quo?

Flashbackflossie · 13/11/2019 20:28

Your mum is being ridiculous and totally unhelpful. What she should be doing is helping you out, not causing you more problems.

She needs to keep him there, distract him, read stories etc. until he’s properly tired and relaxed and goes to sleep.

I can’t believe she expects you to drive to fetch him just to save a fucking car parking space. That’s beyond selfish.

I’m a MIL and there’s no way I’d expect DIL to wake up poorly twins and drive over. In fact, I’d either offer to stay at DIL’s to help so she can get some sleep or I’d be looking after the 4 yr old for a few days.

And she’s your actual MUM!

How is she so oblivious? Can you not tell her very clearly that you need help?

Allthecake89 · 13/11/2019 20:28

Hi, how frustrating for you. You would think she would try some distractions like Tele, biscuits, a game. I feel for you. It's hard work when you have small children unwell. I'd never get any help with mine and it makes me sad when i know so many people who do. My parents are not very hands on unfortunately. I hope your twins feel better soon. I'd also say no to your mum next time or not answer the phone lol say sorry I was sleeping x

Tvstar · 13/11/2019 20:29

I know it's hard, but it is the reality of being a parent. You can't just refuse to have your own child! Can you get a neighbour to sit while you pop out?

crustycrab · 13/11/2019 20:32

Ffs, she's not refusing to have her own child! I'm another one in the camp of let her go to voicemail. Until the morning

crustycrab · 13/11/2019 20:32

Not tonight obviously as you've already answered. But in the future

Flashbackflossie · 13/11/2019 20:32

@clairedelalune trauma? What a ridiculous over exaggeration.
Trauma is watching your parent get hit by a car on the school run and then having the children in the playground gather round firing stupid questions at you.

It’s definitely not traumatic sleeping over at granny’s house.

80skid · 13/11/2019 20:34

Definitely one for her delivering if he needs returned. Also, perhaps her having something exciting for breakfast might help? Something he doesn't get at home?
I'm sorry to hear your twins are ill. As a fellow twin mum, you have my love, admiration and best wishes. It's ok to all veg under a blanket in front of the tv sometimes, or whatever it takes for you all to get some rest.
What if you took all the kids up your mum's and she took them out for a walk while you sleep for an hour tomorrow?

Butterymuffin · 13/11/2019 20:35

ArialAnna's reply is good. Agree that she should be the one to drive him back if he's not staying.

simplekindoflife · 13/11/2019 20:35

Do not wake your poorly twins up! Your eldest will be fine!

If he's not, then your mum can't drop him home. She's being ridiculous and I can feel the tiredness screaming out from your post. She should be supporting you, not making things harder.

Original poster

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 20:36

@Tvstar when did I refuse to have my own child?
For those that asked about my ex husband, I'm not sure how to put this without totally giving away my situation but he's very unwell and if he had them it would be a safeguarding issue, I've been advised by his "team" to never leave him responsible for them. Unfortunately I have no other support, until recently I was working with a good career, it's all gone to shit.
I am happy to have no help, I don't even want him to sleepover, but realistically there has to be a plan in place surely for if something happens to me, my twins would definitely sleep there. If I died or went into hospital I wonder what will happen.
Anyway I'm so glad you all replied, I'm so delirious from lack of sleep. I have fetched him as she was sort of winding him up saying "you poor thing, I know you want mummy, you aren't ready" so I knew it was fucked up then. So I fetched him and asked her to bring him to me so that I didn't have to get out the car but she said no because she is in her pj's. So that's that! Home now and in bed.

OP posts:

JPharm · 13/11/2019 20:36

You can't just refuse to have your own child!

She’s not refusing, her mother offered to take him overnight and is now going back on this commitment. It causes a huge problem for the OP logistically getting him back. If the mother wasn’t intending to keep her word then she shouldn’t have offered to do it in the first place.

Original poster

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 20:38

Oh and my son is definitely not traumatised! He's fine, he's a bit spoiled by nanny and knows how to manipulate with waterworks unfortunately!

OP posts:

TotHappy · 13/11/2019 20:40

She's a selfish mare

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 13/11/2019 20:40

@Flashbackflossie
It’s definitely not traumatic sleeping over at granny’s house.
To me @@clairedelalune's idiotic post read that the trauma was actually being a child of a single parent. Which is a disgusting thing to say to a woman who is dealing with poorly twins and a primary school aged child on her own.

JPharm · 13/11/2019 20:40

Oh OP I’m sorry you had to do that. Hope the twins get better soon and that you catch a break. x

clairedelalune · 13/11/2019 20:41

@flashbackflossie
Family breakdown for whatever reason is a trauma. That is what I am referring to. You are right, sleeping at granny's isn't.

Elllicam · 13/11/2019 20:42

I would make it very very clear that there will be no more ‘sleepovers’.

Monkeynuts18 · 13/11/2019 20:45

She isn’t refusing to have her own child. Did you not read the OP? Her mum keeps suggesting sleepovers to her 4 year old, then ringing the OP (who is a single mother to two other children) to come and get him when he cries for a couple of minutes. OP then has to wake up her two other children - who are currently ill - and put them in the car to go and collect her 4 year old. Her DM doesn’t want to bring her grandson back herself in case she loses her parking space.

clairedelalune · 13/11/2019 20:48

@barbourellathecoatzilla.
Being the child of a single parent is not a trauma. I am a 100% lone parent through adoption before you think I am judging without a clue. I am saying only that the family breakdown is a trauma for a child and perhaps her eldest's reluctance to stay away is due to his coping with breakdown. I aplogise if I have caused any offence, certainly didn't mean too.

CandyCaneLove · 13/11/2019 20:52

Your mum sounds like a plank. For one she's being selfish refusing to drive. Secondly I wouldn't get poorly out of bed unless it was an emergency. Third she is suggesting these sleepovers and then backing out at the last minute- time and time again.

I'd tell her to get stuffed and also tell her if she wants to see her GC she can start picking them up, especially since you find yourself in this situation through difficult circumstances.

Original poster

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 20:52

I think his reluctance to not sleepover is probably the same as the other 8 times he's done it, I only became a single parent recently.

OP posts:

Sleepingboy · 13/11/2019 20:53

Op, you sound like a brilliant mum and to have gone and got him was over and beyond what I would have done, tbh. Well done and I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.

MrFartPants · 13/11/2019 20:57

Have you tried your mum doing the bedtime routine at your house? That's how we started and the first sleepover at "nanny's house" was a breeze as she'd already done a good few bedtimes at our home.

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