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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my nearly 4 year old should be able to stay over at my mums?

94 replies

MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 19:48

Basically, out of the blue I'm a single mum, sad situation I don't want to go into as it's identifiable.
I have very poorly twins, really unwell. I haven't slept for more than 6 hours in 3 days. Its only a virus but they haven't dealt with it well at all.
My eldest is nearly four, goes to my mums every week (not to help me, if anything it's inconvenient as I have to drop him off and collect him as my mum likes to park outside her house and not lose the space.
Loves his nan, they have a great relationship.
Basically, my mum asked if he can sleep over so I've packed his bag, prepped him for it, it's come to bed time and he's cried for 2 minutes (not actually got into bed) and I've had a call asking me to collect him, twins are in bed and have been for an hour at this point so then I have to get them in the car and go and fetch him.
We've done this about 8 times in a year, I've asked for her to persevere and even try him for an hour, sit with him etc. No she says "I don't think he's ready, you're not ready are you love?" so I've said "well let's leave it then I can't keep doing this it's mind numbing, i can't keep getting the twins in and out the car at 8pm"
But then her and my son get bloody talking about sleepovers again and I get them both asking and it's rinse and repeat.

Right now, I really needed him to go to sleepover, the twins are disturbing him as they have been crying all night, literally sleeping for an hour then someone wakes and I have to get calpol etc. He's been moaning that he's tired, he's obviously not sleeping as I'm not either. Mum knows this, offered to have him again....
Obviously the same things happened again!
I'm so worried and worn out, why can't he sleep there? Why can't my mum persevere past 2 minutes of crying? Why does she keep suggesting sleepovers? Why does she tell him "he's not ready" after he's started crying? The whole bloody thing is mad.
When I was 3 I had to sleep at my grandparents just so my mum and dad could go out drinking, I didn't love it but nobody came back if I cried.
He has his own room there btw.
AIBU to say no more bloody attempts? And does anyone Have any advice?
My head is done in, I'm so tired...

BTW I do love my mum!

OP posts:
TheHootiestOwl · 13/11/2019 20:57

Your mum is selfish. Stop with the sleepovers. Be honest and say no because you ring me after two minutes. She sounds massively unhelpful, you don’t need that on top of everything else you’re dealing with.

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/11/2019 21:01

Oh love! Your mum is being completely unfair. What on earth would happen if, in your tired and foggy state, you had an accident with the children in the car?

I think decline the sleepovers for now. Don't let your mum guilt trip you with your son, and have a chat with him to see what's up. It might be once the reality of being responsible for a small person overnight sets in, your mum panics. It might be your son manipulating her to go home because he doesn't really like the idea of sleeping over once it gets to bedtime.

Get in touch with your HV to see if there's anything like the homestart volunteer scheme in your area. They will send an adult to spend time with your little ones while you do what you need to. Which can be invaluable for grabbing some much needed sleep. Otherwise I'd be begging a friend to come over so I could sleep. Infact, I'm sure I did when my twins were little and poorly.

Original poster
MacabreMannequinFun · 13/11/2019 21:02

Yes she has done bedtimes here, loads of times, no issues there!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/11/2019 21:07

Tomorrow ring your mother and tell her that if she even mentions a sleepover then she can come and get him and bring him back. Just don't take him full stop.

If you keep caving then this will continue.

isitxmasyet · 13/11/2019 21:12

Why did you get your twins out of bed? That’s ridiculous

She honestly wouldn’t drive him home simply because she wanted to save a parking space?

Sorry OP but you have been a bit of a walkover there

Really hope you get some more sleep tonight- you must be demented with exhaustion.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/11/2019 21:15

Christ. Your DM sounds like more hard work than mine, OP, and that takes some doing.

FizzyIce · 13/11/2019 21:18

Yanbu, it sound bloody ridiculous!
If she’s not willing to atleast try and help him settle then she needs to stop .
My mum and dad sent us to sleep at my grandparents when I was younger (only a couple of times) and I hated it! Was so glad when they realised how unhappy it made me and they stopped .
Some kids just don’t like sleeping away from home but at least try one whole night

clucky3 · 13/11/2019 21:22

Your mum sounds like a total dickhead OP. I'd say no more sleepovers and make it clear to both her and your son. My dad pulls shit like this all the time, "help" that isn't actually helpful at all, just makes more work for me.

fishonabicycle · 13/11/2019 21:32

Your mum is pathetic.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/11/2019 21:36

Next time she asks tell her that will not be happening. But she is more than welcome to sleep over your house to help.

Babybel90 · 13/11/2019 21:40

Your mum sounds a bit self absorbed and pathetic to be honest, I wouldn’t be going out of my way to take him over there again and it would be a hard no to any more sleepovers. Next time she mentions it just laugh and say not after the debacle last time!

Billie87 · 13/11/2019 21:48

I agree you do need a plan in place if you are unwell etc.
Maybe when the twins are better you could all sleep over your mums if this is possible? Then the next time you go over for tea but leave after with the twins and he stays over?
You definitely need a back up plan and it’s a good idea to think things like this through. I’d also sit your mum down and explain that you need to work through this incase something happens to you otherwise they will end up in emergency accommodation. Good luck xx

GettingABitDesperateNow · 13/11/2019 21:48

This has made me mad on your behalf! What kind of person drags a tired mum and twins out of bed for nothing just because they don't want to lose their parking space!? Why do you think she keeps going through with this whole rigmarole??
I think you need to ask your mum to not mention it again infront of your son, and if she does, I think 4 is old enough to understand that because he has asked to come home early for the last 8 times, he is not going to have a sleepover til he is 5 or 6 or whatever. And before you leave him with your mum again, tell her to come up with a plan for if he is crying. And tell her you will be turning your phone off

coconutpie · 13/11/2019 21:49

Your mum is really bloody selfish. I can't believe she made you get two sleeping unwell DC out of bed so you could collect your 4yo who she insisted on having for a sleepover. Is she doing it on purpose? It sounds like she is actually trying to make life difficult for you. Ring her tomorrow and tell her from now on, she is never to mention sleepovers because she is completely unreliable and she totally let you down tonight. Sleepovers should not be happening again.

Coconutbug · 13/11/2019 22:03

Your situation sounds really hard!
I don't think I'd be getting two children out of bed though and would expect if she can't keep him for her to drop him back.
I also think she needs to stop saying those unhelpful comments as they might start to get in his head. He may be unsettled for a little while as its a new experience but he probably also knows if he cries just a little that you'll come and get him if it's happened before! Kids are very smart that way

FTMF30 · 14/11/2019 07:20

@fishonabicycle Well that's really helpful.

EntropyRising · 14/11/2019 07:24

Your mum is pathetic.

This.

toomanyhobbies · 14/11/2019 07:41

Your mum is being ridiculous. My dc loves the idea of a sleep over but not doing it. Is happy to spend time at his Nans however he also knows how to pull at the heartstrings and has cried when I’ve left however I’ve gone waved good bye. The last time he has to stay over cried when I left 2 minutes late was happy & playing and sleeps better there than here. Don’t know what I would do if my mum rang me if he was crying.
I think your mum just needs to persevere if he still crying and not sleeping after a decent amount of time then she could
Bring him home. Feel better soon x

NearlyGranny · 14/11/2019 07:53

Your DM is the most work of all, isn't she?

This scenario has replayed enough times now for you to knock it on the head. Before she even asks again, tell her you're doing no more cazy night driving with two babies, sick or well. If she wants him to sleep over, she collects. If she bottles, she delivers. Your car isn't leaving the driveway. If she doesn't like your terms, she doesn't ask.

It's just too easy for her to change her mind when you're doing all the heavy lifting!

I hope the twins are better soon. It's a tough road you're walking!

OrangeSlices998 · 14/11/2019 07:54

What does your son say about it all when you pick him up? Does he know why he was upset? If this comes up again perhaps you can talk to him about it, suggest calling you to say goodnight hopefully mitigate the tears? Or, as PP said, forget the whole thing as it sounds like too much work!

MyOtherProfile · 14/11/2019 08:02

Total veto on sleepovers with her until they both understand your phone will be off next time.

Salene · 14/11/2019 08:07

Next time she takes him turn your phone off and go to bed, I'm sure she will cope. She is being unreasonable and I would of thought she would be doing anything she could to help her daughter out in what sounds a very stressful situation.

QueenofallIsee · 14/11/2019 08:07

Your mum is a complete horror OP, is she always so melodramatic and self centred?

Countryescape · 14/11/2019 08:28

It’s your DM that’s the problem! He sleeps over and stats. And if he can’t stay then SHE drops him home.

Abouttimemum · 14/11/2019 08:40

I literally can’t believe she made you get the twins out of bed. That is absolutely outrageous.
I’d tell her no next time. Once he’s asleep and wakes up the next day totally fine then he’ll be alright. The very worst that can happen is that your mum has one rough night, but so what!?