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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To contact dog breeder and ask him not to sell puppy to my sister?

277 replies

BJsHair · 13/11/2019 13:39

My sister (25) is autistic but very, very immature for her age (she still plays with teddy bears and watches cartoons). She lives alone and is not coping well. Does not work, barely leaves the house.

She gets obsessions. An example of her obsessions was the time she got obsessed with Ford Ka cars. So much so that she actively tried to buy one despite the fact that she doesn’t (and never will) drive. She just wanted it to sit in and decorate. She had no idea about insurance or road tax ... it was basically just to be a giant toy.

Anyway, I’m a dog breed enthusiast and my sister has now become obsessed with the same breed. I put years of research into the breed before I bought my first dog, organised dog training and socialisation classes before I got her and spent hours and hours on training. I’d had dogs before but not this breed. The breed is NOT a first time dog owner breed. In the wrong hands they can be dangerous. My sister is terrified of my dogs, has never owned a dog before yet is adamant that she is buying a puppy from this litter ... she’s going to pay her deposit on Friday. I’ve tried talking her out of it and my mum says I’m being selfish saying “why is it ok for you to have one but not her?”. They just don’t understand. AIBU to go directly to breeder and tell him not to sell her one?

OP posts:
Curious2468 · 13/11/2019 16:05

Dogs can be great for autistic people and if they are a special interest you may find she’s a great owner. If she lives alone she has to be fairly functional. Maybe keep an eye from a distance after she has the dog?

RadicalFern · 13/11/2019 16:06

OP, YANBU, and I think you are also being compassionate on your sister as well as the prospective puppy. I do not think that it would be kind to enable her to buy a pet that she will not be able to take care of and will (even if it doesn’t at first) grow up to frighten her.

saraclara · 13/11/2019 16:07

This is quite a nasty little thread isn’t it?

It is managing to show real prejudice against people with disabilities by dressing it up as concern about animals. And I do not believe it.

No. It's not nasty @iwouldbuyyouadress. The OP is being realistic. I've spent my entire career working with learning disabilities and autism, and sometimes you simply have to acknowledge that someone simply does not have the resources to be safe in certain situations.

If she cannot handle this dog,and it bites a child, you'd probably be up in arms asking how she could possibly have been allowed to have such a dog.

Dutch1e · 13/11/2019 16:09

I was also fully prepared to say YABU. How wrong I was! European Dobermans are powerful animals, most of them look like they could cheerfully pull a small sedan all morning and still run about in the afternoon (not that I know much about dogs).

Yes, please do have a quiet word with the breeder. I hope s/he is one of the lovely ones who will let your sister down gently as they've probably had to do with people previously.

Even if your sister ends up with one, it's important to do everything you can.

IdiotInDisguise · 13/11/2019 16:10

Obviously... you already know you need to contact the breeder. Not sure what you are waiting for.

I’m familiar with the breed, you are right, on the wrong hands they can easily kill other dogs, a child, your sister or her neighbours, and that goes before we start talking about the welfare of the puppy.

Dobermans are lovely, but one that has been spoiled rotten or neglected can cause serious trouble.

VenusTiger · 13/11/2019 16:11

Your sister is terrified of your dogs and she wants a Doberman that needs firm training. What a mess OP. Your mom is being irresponsible going along with this!
I agree with @Winterdaysarehere show her and your DM videos of them out of hand and untrained!
Outrageous!
Those of you saying OP is being mean and unreasonable- did you not read the OP about the car - come on!
I hope your sister finds company with a more dependable and independent pet OP.

NotAClue101 · 13/11/2019 16:12

I would if I could contact the breeder. It's not fair on a puppy to be homed where it will not be looked after correctly (unintentionally) dogs are hard work and require a lot of time, money and patience.
Sadly, some breeders don't care where puppies go as the see it as making money...but at least if you try, you will know you did what she could.
If your sister does have the pup, I guess all you can do is keep an eye and offer her positive advice etc and as soon as she shows disinterest, help her rehome.
I know that isn't your responsibility, but what else can you do if she does manage to get one.
The breed looks to be a strong breed, that someone inexperienced with dogs really shouldn't have.

Oakmaiden · 13/11/2019 16:15

I do feel sorry for your sister, as I am fairly sure the love and companionship of a dog would be ideal for her.

But I completely see where you are coming from regarding the practicalities.

ChrisPrattsFace · 13/11/2019 16:15

Let her get it, and in a few weeks just let me know and I’ll come take it off her hands. Had these my whole life and would give a limb for another 😂

Seriously though... tell the breeder.

Frouby · 13/11/2019 16:17

Op I have similar with my dsis. In our case it's horses she buys. She isn't knowledgeable about keeping horses, she rides but doesn't know anything much else, can't afford a horse and after 6 to 12 months loses interest and the horse is sold. Happens every couple of years.

I am horsey and knowledgeable but she doesn't want to listen to me, doesn't want my advice and really couldn't care less about the risks she takes with horses and her kids around the horses. Already had a broken arm on a child this year.

But there is fucking nothing I can do about it. All of my local horsey friends know now to sell to her, but I can't stop her buying. She will do it anyway.

So I listen when she buys her latest project, like the photos on fb and keep repeating not my circus, not my monkeys. I won't go and see her horse, or watch her ride and don't really want to discuss anything with her. But there's nothing else I can do. My mum is similar to yours as well.

Just nod and smile is all you can do.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/11/2019 16:22

Unfortunately there are a lot of AWFUL breeders within Dobermans... and I fear that they won't actually care and might TELL your sister what you have done..

With the net result that she still buys a puppy but now won't speak to you when she actually needs help with that puppy...

Who is helping her with this, is she getting herself to and from the breeders alone? Surely the breeder isn't going to sell her a puppy to take home via public transport?

Jollitwiglet · 13/11/2019 16:27

If her obsessions are usually short lived, is there any way of steering her towards something that's not an animal? It's all well and good suggesting 'easier' dog breeds or 'easier' animals, but they all have needs that needs to be met and what happens when she moves onto the next obsession?

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 13/11/2019 16:31

Please don't try to steer her towards "exotics" such as snakes or lizards. They are actually quite high maintenance and snakes in particular can become skittish and aggressive if they're not handled regularly, which I presume would be the case once she lost interest. Some breeds can also live for 20+ years, which is a long time to languish in a cage with no interaction.

WorldEndingFire · 13/11/2019 16:31

I would inform the breeder. Dobies are excellent but I can only see unhappiness up the road if your sister is indeed not able to take full responsibility for its training and exercise. Any dog, regardless of breed should have that as a minimum really but people still see them as living toys and don't understand anything about canine behaviour.

Would your sister consider volunteering at a local Dogs Trust or Cinnamon Trust instead?

maggiecate · 13/11/2019 16:33

Another vote for contact the breeder - a Doberman’s a lot of dog and a responsible breeder won’t sell to your sister. If they do you know it’s probably poorly bred.

How long do her obsessions usually last? I’d be concerned that by the time she realises it’s not a toy it’ll be very hard to undo any damage that’s been done and it’ll be hard to rehome.

Prevegen4U · 13/11/2019 16:36

Get her an adult Manchester Terrier and pass it off as a European Doberman pup.

Seriously though, I'd talk to the breeder.

mcmooberry · 13/11/2019 16:41

@Preveren4U ludicrous but funny!

BlueTongueSkink · 13/11/2019 16:42

I was going to say the same as Eoin. Reptiles often have very specific needs in terms of feeding, temperatures, lighting etc. so sometimes not an easier option at all.

ViciousJackdaw · 13/11/2019 16:42

Is there some type of Doberman breeding association at all? I know about the Kennel Club but is there anything more specific to the breed? It's just that when you contact the breeder (which you absolutely MUST do for the sake of the dog, who has no voice), you need to 'put the willies' up them, just in case they take no notice of what you have to say.

You could tell the breeder that 'Oh, I hate to interfere but I spoke to the RSPCA/Kennel Club/Doberclub and they were really concerned about this, they advised me it would be a completely irresponsible thing for both parties (sister and breeder) to enter into'.

FizzyIce · 13/11/2019 16:43

Christ.. my mum has 3 Dobermans and they will walk all over someone with no experience and not to mention how strong they are .
I’d get in touch with the breeders too but sadly a lot of them just want cash and don’t ask questions so hope this is a decent one

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 13/11/2019 16:47

Can you persuade her to get a smaller dog? One that doesn't require as much training or specialist knowledge.

All dogs need training and all breeds have specialist knowledge required. The only difference between a small dog and a big one is (usually, although not invariably) the level of damage the latter can inflict if something goes wrong.

I am a great believer in the therapeutic benefits of dogs (pets in general, in fact) but only where the owner, or someone on hand able and willing to provide continual support, has sufficient cognitive function to understand the commitment involved and to tend to an animal's needs without that animal suffering. From what the OP has said about her sister's thought processes and behaviour, I think there is a real risk that any pet would be in danger of one or more of its core needs being neglected as soon as she moved on to a new obsession, and as such I'm uncomfortable with breeds or species perceived as 'easier' being proposed instead.

JavaQ · 13/11/2019 16:54

Get her a remote control-toy dog, and a pushchair she can put it in and take for walks.
It might be enough to satisfy??
(or be ready to adopt your sister's dog if she can't cope)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/11/2019 17:04

I don't think that OP's sister should get any dog, if she can possibly be talked out of it. This is a living creature we are talking about.

Many people are suggesting a miniature pinscher because they look like tiny dobie - but these are highly intelligent, energetic little dogs with strong personalities which can also become both people and dog aggressive if not properly trained and socialised - they are also often resource aggressive. Okay, the chances of them killing someone are pretty remote, but they could badly scar a child - and dog bites, even minor ones are bloody painful!

I think that OP should try to contact the breeder and hopefully they will not only be ethical about it, and not sell her a puppy, but will warn other breeders in the area. She should also try again to talk sense into her mother - point out the size and power of her own dogs and say "If one of them attacked you - what sort of a chance would you have?"

Of course, the likelihood is that the sister would lose interest in this poor dog long before it reached full maturity - and then it would be dumped in a rescue for someone else to sort out its problems, or would be euthanised - or worse, sold on/re-homed with no warning given to the new owners, who might have children or other pets that the dog might attack.

Or maybe pressure would be put on the OP to take the dog her sister no longer wants, and she either does, and has to deal with all of its bad habits, or refuses, and her mother and sister blame her for whatever happens to the dog.

OP - I really don't envy you your task. Is there a dobermans club anywhere near you, where you could take your sister, and perhaps other people's opinions, and the sight of all of these huge (terrifying) dogs would bring her to her senses.

This is so sad.

Anywaythewindisblowing · 13/11/2019 17:06

Didn't want to leave without giving op some support and just to counter some of those who do not think OP is being "compassionate" towards her sister. I also have a relative with undiagnosed learning difficulties of some kind. Undiagnosed once again because of parents utter denial. You would be doing the right thing to intervene in this situation, those who claim she is "an adult" simply don't have the experience of dealing with a family member like this. It is exceptionally difficult due to the "adult" part of it. My relative became so unwell she was wondering around naked, sitting a chair all night singing about how she wanted to kill us all, collecting her own faeces and goodness knows what. We did never get her sectioned or receive any help whatsoever due to cocktail of my parents iron clad denial and the fact that she was "an adult".
She is much better now, goodness knows how we got through those years.
Anyway this is entirely different to your situation in many ways, but I just wanted to send you my support and hope you find a solution to protect both your sister and the dog.

beethebee · 13/11/2019 17:10

The problem with her giving it a go and then getting bored or realizing she's unable to cope and giving the dog up (which seems pretty inevitable) isn't only the fact that there are a tragic amount of rescue dogs who need homes, though.

It really doesn't take long to mess up a puppy, especially a high-maintenance breed. I have a rescue GSD who I got when she was only about 16 weeks old after she was found abandoned with a broken leg - she'd obviously had a terrible time up until that point but was still very young. I'm highly experienced with dogs, but she was a nightmare, and was the only dog I've ever had about whom 'Jesus I'm not sure I can manage this dog' has ever entered my head (albeit fleetingly).

She's totally gorgeous now, two years on, but it took a hell of a lot of time and work to put her right.

If she does get a dog, it's likely a death sentence for the poor animal.