To not want to be banished upstairs?

[mahoganies]

My boyfriend and I live together. He hasn't seen his friends (or me) in two weeks as he's been away, he got back on Thursday. On Friday he had his best friend over because he needed "one on one" time with him and "lad" time. He'd promised we'd have a night in together, but his friend arrived at 3pm and didn't leave until almost 1am. He said that he's make it up to me by having a night in the next night, which we did. He initially asked me and my son to go out whilst he was over, but I refused, so I had to stay upstairs instead. My mum has my son that night so it was just me upstairs. Then on Sunday, he had the same friend round again and another friend because he needed that time with them for the sake of his mental health, I again, had to stay downstairs whilst they were here for hours. He then informed me around an hour or so ago that his friend would be coming over tonight (the friend that came on Sunday, not his best friend) because he needs one on one time with him, meaning again I'll have to stay upstairs in the bedroom. His best friend is now currently over, he's apparently only popped over for a cigarette. I'm upstairs now again, because they are having time downstairs.

I've been a bit put out by this but he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that he would do the same if I wanted friends over. AIBU for being annoyed by this? I'm upstairs now pretty pissed off as I have to be upstairs now, then I can go back down, then I'll have to be back up when his other friend is here later.

Not only do you NEED to get away from this guy but you also need therapy.

I feel the need to clear something up though,
I feel like this is just as much my home as it is his. I contribute more than he does...We share a room at his parents house, but they aren't here much at all so often it's just me and my son or just me, my son and my boyfriend. My son lives here and has his own bedroom
It is NOT your home! You only moved 2 months ago - and it belongs to his parents....it doesn't even belong to him!
As for contributing more than him - i should bloody hope so!
He only has to pay for himself, you have to pay for you and YOUR child.....so why do you feel entitled to a property that isn't yours, you haven't paid for and then on top of that begrudge paying your own way whilst you live in it?

I think you're choosing to freeload off him instead of sorting yourself out.
The guy is hardly ever with you, isn't interested in helping bring up your child and is even less interested in YOU.

You're choosing to stay with him - even with your eyes wide open.

Oh bloody hell, there are so many red flags here op.

Especially with the update about the sex thing. It’s completely ok to not want to do something in bed for whatever reason, be it pain, because the sky is blue, the grass is green or because you just don’t bloody want to.

There’s also a big difference between saying ‘id really like it if you could give me head, but I know this isn’t comfortable for you, if I get this gel could we try it, but no pressure’ and trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing something that hurts you and you don’t want to do at this moment in time.

That’s such a big no no and I would imagine a massive turn off. Sex is not a right- you don’t owe him anything.

The second thing is that your position is way too vulnerable. I understand that you don’t want to be in emergency housing- but no matter how much the parents like you and your son, your bf is their son and if and when it all goes tits up, they will eventually come down on his side.

You’re a young, single parent. You’re already vulnerable. This guy is not coming in as a step parent, he is your partner. He owes your son (and you) nothing.

You need to protect yourself to protect your son and that means not relying on someone who is only interested in himself.

I’m not so sure about the friends visiting thing- I wouldn’t care to stay around as a third wheel for my dps chats with his mates- but I also would be furious and disgusted if I were told to leave the house!

Which reinforces why you need your own space that you have control over for your son. You can’t just be aimed out the door with a baby- that’s madness.

You need to provide your son and yourself with some security. You are so vulnerable where you are now.

As for him? Bin him as soon as you can. This is not a good guy.

If you have Rheumatoid Arthritis and take methotrexate, are you also taking an anti-inflammatory? If so, do NOT be persuaded to use any gel as that would probably also contain an anti-inflammatory, and you might overdose and do yourself serious harm! In any case, I agree with all the pp's who say that this is abusive behaviour. I feel so sorry that you are in this situation - take everyone's advice and leave him!

Why are you allowing smoking in your child's home?
Why can't the smoker smoke in his own home?
Why didn't you tell them to bugger off to the pub?
Is someone dealing drugs?
Why didn't you go and spend some time
at your parents with your son?

His mental health isn't great, but also not terrible. His childhood pet died and he's feeling like his life is boring at the moment, he's away a lot and hasn't made many friends so he's feeling lonely at times.

That's all very said but it's not a free pass to be a dick.

Quite disrespectful towards you on his behalf.
As PP mentioned, he could have gone elsewhere to have his “lad time”. Wouldn’t ever dream of asking this from my partner.

Yeah I'm sorry but my genuine, honest opinion is that social services need to be stepping off you refuse to leave OP..... He's abusive and this is not a healthy environment for a child to be in.

Either you start putting your child first, or others will do it for you. Sorry to be blunt....

Can't he spend some time socializing as an adult, with you as well.

You need to make a plan right away. Begin researching and organizing to move out.
Much of what he does is emotionally abusive, yes. You know it is.
The first few months of a relationship are as good as it is ever going to be. Can you imagine being treated like this day after day year after year? Of course not.

Oh My Lord.

OP - you have been ground down by your BF so much that you cannot see how he is controlling you.

You've looked up "coercive control" and cannot see how any of it applies to you.

But you have no freedom in this relationship and this man (boy) doesn't care how much he hurts you and your DS.

Please get yourself into emergency housing and go from there. I think you need therapy to work on your self-esteem.

If you're really planning to become a midwife, who will look after your child while you train?

How will you cope with the training if you have rheumatoid arthritis?

But that is irrelevant at the moment.

Your housing situation needs to be addressed first. You and your child cannot stay with this boy and his parents. He treats you so badly and doesn't value you at all.

I don't know how you got into this situation but you need to get out.

Ugh, the blowjob comments would be enough for me to end it. He's disgusting and you can do better

He is self centered and vulgar, and not nice. I would not raise my child around a poor excuse of a man like him. My advise is too move out as soon as you are able.

Dealing ...
Dump and run

Reading between the lines I'm seeing clear coercive control going on here.

OP, I didn't see your previous thread, but it sounds like you feel a bit trapped in this situation.

I would very much encourage you to post in the Relationships board (AIBU can be a bit abrupt and judgy and not the best place for nuanced views and support.)

There is help available out there to support you in leaving this useless manchild and starting a healthy life for you and your son. But you have to seek out that help and use it.

Are your own family abusive and controlling? Or are you someone with no family nearby? I think you sound pretty vulnerable, which of course makes you a target for dickheads like this man. You need to talk to someone who is on your side - your HCPs, student welfare etc. You can't go on living with this dickhead, it's not good for you and it's not good for your child.

Sod that. It's your home too right?
No. It's her very short time boyfriend's parents home. She needs to get out of this situation. Her supposed boyfriend wants to be paid in blow jobs for the rent she would otherwise be paying.

Urgh. Sounds like he sees you as his pet sex toy.

OP, like everyone else has said, this is abusive and if all your mutual friends are closer to him than you then you are better off without them.

Plus no-one comes around for 45 minutes for a cigarette, unless they are 15 and trying to avoid their Mum or something. It will be some other sort of substance.

I'm not allowing smoking in my child's home, my child was in bed and they went for a cigarette on the decking in the garden. I am 100% certain that there is no dealing going on. I did tell him to go somewhere else to see his friends, but he wouldn't. If it was that simple then I wouldn't be having this issue.

I don't have a good relationship with my parents.

I'm also on meloxicam for my arthritis. My arthritis is fairly under control and I know what to do when I feel a flare coming on. It's mainly my jaw and big toe that are affected now.

There is not going to be any social service involvement because my son is clothed, fed, clean, very happy and advanced for his age. He is an extremely loved and cared for baby - he is spoiled in fact! My child does come first, he always has done and always will do.

I am really planning to become a midwife, I have a conditional offer so as long as I get the grades I need then I'll be starting in the September intake next year. I have reserved a place with a childcare provider that specialises in shift work.

Thank you for all your responses, I'm going to be seeking support from the relationships board from now on.

@mahoganies You are an adult.

"Go upstairs, I have a friend here".

"No thanks, I would like to stay in my living room with a glass of wine, the TV and also, I want to do some cooking. But if you'd like some space, feel free for you both to go upstairs, I don't mind."

Also, this is a problem:

I think it may be because I can broach subjects in an attacking way so he becomes immediately defensive and upset by what I've said/how I've said it. It's something I'm working on

Maybe you can work on how you broach something, but you are not making him behave in a certain way.

I doubt he’s dealing, drug deals just take seconds to exchange “goods” so there’s no need for people to hang around for extended periods of time, especially at a dealer’s own house, surely that’s risky? Also it’s the same 2 friends rather than lots of randoms.

OP, your living situation is weird. His parents might be nice but

I think they are a couple of kids playing house/mummies and daddies. While they are in the safety net of someone providing a roof over their head then of course their maturity will be slow in coming. Boys especially mature later with this umbrella of security over them.

You really need your own home and financial responsibilities as a couple and parents before reality sets in.