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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be banished upstairs?

123 replies

mahoganies · 12/11/2019 21:07

My boyfriend and I live together. He hasn't seen his friends (or me) in two weeks as he's been away, he got back on Thursday. On Friday he had his best friend over because he needed "one on one" time with him and "lad" time. He'd promised we'd have a night in together, but his friend arrived at 3pm and didn't leave until almost 1am. He said that he's make it up to me by having a night in the next night, which we did. He initially asked me and my son to go out whilst he was over, but I refused, so I had to stay upstairs instead. My mum has my son that night so it was just me upstairs. Then on Sunday, he had the same friend round again and another friend because he needed that time with them for the sake of his mental health, I again, had to stay downstairs whilst they were here for hours. He then informed me around an hour or so ago that his friend would be coming over tonight (the friend that came on Sunday, not his best friend) because he needs one on one time with him, meaning again I'll have to stay upstairs in the bedroom. His best friend is now currently over, he's apparently only popped over for a cigarette. I'm upstairs now again, because they are having time downstairs.

I've been a bit put out by this but he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that he would do the same if I wanted friends over. AIBU for being annoyed by this? I'm upstairs now pretty pissed off as I have to be upstairs now, then I can go back down, then I'll have to be back up when his other friend is here later.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 12/11/2019 23:03

Speak honestly to your mental health team and leave

You will get some kind of emergency housing.
Anything is better than this.

justasking111 · 12/11/2019 23:03

@mahoganies How old is he and how old are you

Lhastingsmua · 12/11/2019 23:05

Oh dear, having ‘no one’ might actually be a better predicament than the one you’re in, you know. Your current situation isn’t great for you or your child, I’d be happy to drop fake friends if it came to that.

I have TMJ disorder & when it’s at it’s worst, it’s impossible for me to do the same on occasion. However every partner I’ve had has been fine - never hounded me like yours does. Doesn’t really seem like he takes your health issue seriously, so by extension he is showing a lack of care for you.

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2019 23:05

He keeps asking me to fork out to buy special gel for it so I can give it to him. Today he said if I was single and went for a night out and went back home with someone, he bets I would "suck their dick".

Jesus Christ, is he like, 15? What a twat! Leave, OP, yes, he’s abusive, no, you can’t see that yet, but oh my, he’s the biggest wanker.

Lhastingsmua · 12/11/2019 23:08

To be honest you both sound young and immature, like late teens if you’re both at university? I think you rushed into this situation, you aren’t happy and he isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle a live in partner and being a step father if he’s still in student/partying mode. It just isn’t working.

Can’t you get student loan which can go towards rent?

Marmelised · 12/11/2019 23:08

He’s horrible. That’s massively uncaring and disrespectful.
You really don’t need whatever he has to offer. Move out. Live a different life.

Lillyhatesjaz · 12/11/2019 23:09

Is he useful? Does he spark joy?
In the bin he goes

NoSquirrels · 12/11/2019 23:11

Is that abusive?

To pressurise you to do something sexual that will cause you great pain? He’s FULLY AWARE it will cause you pain, and he keeps asking. Worse, he thinks you should PAY to give him a blow job. He’s THAT special.

Please tell me you recognise that this is abusive?

ExhaustedGrinch · 12/11/2019 23:13

He sounds like a dick and you need to be in a much more secure position for you and your son. You say on the other thread that if you split up that his parents wouldn't kick you out but would you really want to stay there with your son while he moved on with his life and got a new partner?? Actually, if you were still there I doubt any new partner would want him to be fair.

Whilst I think he's a dick though I do think that if he were a woman and you were a man that you'd be called a cock lodger. I'm assuming you're not paying towards rent/bills? and possibly won't be for the 3 years you're in Uni? It's a massive thing to expect a new partner to support you and your very young son for 3 years whilst you're in Uni.

ExhaustedGrinch · 12/11/2019 23:15

Just to add ... I went to Uni as a single parent and the grants/loans etc were more than adequate to support me and my son, however if I had a partner I'd have had to rely on them massively financially. You really need to gain some independence and security because he already sounds controlling and abusive and it's likely to get worse.

nicenewdusters · 12/11/2019 23:15

You asked if it's abusive OP.

Yes, it is.

I don't need to read your previous thread, there's enough on this one to see you're in a very unhealthy relationship. Look up coercive control - I think you'll recognise a lot of this in your relationship.

You can't change a man like this. His priority is meeting his own needs. You need to leave, now, before he turns you into a shadow of your former self. It won't be long before he turns his attention to your son. By then you could be too worn down to protect him.

You owe this man nothing. Not even an explanation. You're leaving because you're unhappy. End of. Small town, shared friends - so what. He's pretending to protect his mental health with his one-on-one time nonsense. You seriously need to protect yours.

outherealone · 12/11/2019 23:18

@HeronLanyon how funny, my first thought was dealer.

Original poster
mahoganies · 12/11/2019 23:19

I just searched coercive control and I can't relate to any of what is listed for "common examples".

OP posts:
dreichwinter · 12/11/2019 23:20

OP, you are in a bad situation. Staying will not make it better.
You need to put your dc first and provide a stable home for them.
Living with this DP in his parents house is not the answer to anything.
You have to make a plan to support your dc yourself.
Go and get some advice about finances for you and your dc.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 12/11/2019 23:21

Of course he’s trash, his little friends calling round to his mummy and daddy’s house is the least of your worries, do you have anywhere else to take your kid? Making him be around a sexually abusive degenerate is not something you should be subjecting him to, in future, keep your boyfriends and your infant separate, and get intensive counselling and read up on abusers.

theWarOnPeace · 12/11/2019 23:21

Oh god this is awful. How the hell have you ended up living like this? It’s not normal or acceptable, and you need to get yourself and your son out of there.

NoSquirrels · 12/11/2019 23:26

I just searched coercive control and I can't relate to any of what is listed for "common examples".

Don’t use this as an excuse to stay.

Maybe he’s really young and a fucking selfish idiot and doesn’t mean to be abusive.

He’s still abusive in his behaviour. You can’t pressurise someone gor a sexual act that causes them pain and not be.

Just leave! It’s absolutely 100% just going to get worse not better. He doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings - he’s telling you that LOUDLY.

PickAChew · 12/11/2019 23:30

I think you need to move out. He's not ready to have a partner that he lives with. He'd rather play with his mates.

Ginfordinner · 12/11/2019 23:30

He is gaslighting you. He has no regard for your feelings or your health, and is being utterly selfish. It sounds like you have rushed into this relationship. Can you go back to llive with your family?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/11/2019 23:34

His friends are more important to him than you are. It’s as simple as that. You’re only a couple of months into living with him...Get out now before it gets even harder. You and your child deserve better than this selfish twat.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/11/2019 23:36

I just searched coercive control and I can't relate to any of what is listed for "common examples" That's why I said he has just about finished training you. He asks, you jump to and don't really spend much time wondering why!

What would he do if you didn't go away when he wanted you to? Oh yes, his mental health issues - he is using that to coerce you! All that "I need to lay with my besties cos I is feeling vulnerable" sacred you into submission, didn't it? You don't want to be responsible for him feeling bad, maybe having 'an episode' so you have sent the best part of the week in hiding!

From that list:

  • You have been or fear being ostracised from the people in your small town
  • Basic needs include company, freedom of movement, not being a virtual prisoner in one room of your home
  • He is controlling how you use your time
  • we don't know if he is spying on you when he is away
  • He is controlling who you can se... you were NOT allowed to see smoking friend one night yet were expected ed to the next night
  • from your other post he is dehumanising you, putting you down

Shall I go on?

I feel pretty shit about writing that, but you really are in a weird and unhealthy place and yu need to be able to see it for what it it is. No matter how young, how inexperienced in relationshps he is you do not deserve to be treated how he is treating you. No human being does that to someone they really care for!

Ginfordinner · 12/11/2019 23:36

His friends are more important to him than you are

This is how DD's ex boyfreind behaved towards her before they split up.

Notice I wrote ex boyfriend.

PickAChew · 12/11/2019 23:37

And reading your 22:52 update you need to get well away from this arsehole.

Icanflyhigh · 12/11/2019 23:39

Sod that. It's your home too right?

Branleuse · 12/11/2019 23:42

That's pretty weird OP.
If it was a one off, id give benefit of the doubt, but several times in a row like that is really not ok

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