To not want to be banished upstairs?

[mahoganies]

My boyfriend and I live together. He hasn't seen his friends (or me) in two weeks as he's been away, he got back on Thursday. On Friday he had his best friend over because he needed "one on one" time with him and "lad" time. He'd promised we'd have a night in together, but his friend arrived at 3pm and didn't leave until almost 1am. He said that he's make it up to me by having a night in the next night, which we did. He initially asked me and my son to go out whilst he was over, but I refused, so I had to stay upstairs instead. My mum has my son that night so it was just me upstairs. Then on Sunday, he had the same friend round again and another friend because he needed that time with them for the sake of his mental health, I again, had to stay downstairs whilst they were here for hours. He then informed me around an hour or so ago that his friend would be coming over tonight (the friend that came on Sunday, not his best friend) because he needs one on one time with him, meaning again I'll have to stay upstairs in the bedroom. His best friend is now currently over, he's apparently only popped over for a cigarette. I'm upstairs now again, because they are having time downstairs.

I've been a bit put out by this but he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that he would do the same if I wanted friends over. AIBU for being annoyed by this? I'm upstairs now pretty pissed off as I have to be upstairs now, then I can go back down, then I'll have to be back up when his other friend is here later.

OP are you the poster who's planning to study midwifery soon? Or is it just a coincidence that you have a 1 year old child and you're living with your boyfriend's parents?

This was my first thought on reading this.

Either way, this isn't a smoothly functioning relationship.
You can't be regularly shoved upstairs and ignored.

This is bonkers. If DP or I have a friend round generally neither of us would expect us all to spend the whole evening together, but the option is always there. My friend was visiting from another city a few weeks ago. The three of us sat in the living room for a bit, we all had dinner together in the kitchen, then after that DP went off to the spare room (which he uses as an office) and left us to the living room. He popped in and out a couple of times, offering wine and crisps, but wouldn’t have been interested in our chat!

He sometimes has friends over on a Saturday to watch sport, and I’ll usually potter about in the kitchen rather than sit with them, after a coffee together. I hate sport. If he told me I couldn’t, I would be furious!

cant believe what im reading! you need to bin him off and move out, he sounds pathetic.

Omg, he needs to make up his mind! Are you ‘allowed’ to sit downstairs with his mates and him or does he want you upstairs out of the way? Only his feelings count and he’s ‘not doing this’? He doesn’t give a shit about you, does he? Classic abuser.

ARE YOU MENTAL?

Of course this is ridiculous.

Do you hate yourself so much you think it's ok?

tell him to fuck off.

Sounds like a weird arrangement all round, not just the guest thing, but the fact you live with his parents, your son lives there etc.

When my partner or I have friends over we’ll greet each other and probably all sit and chat together before doing separate things, that’s just common courtesy surely. It’s rude to refuse to say hi and it’s extremely rude to expect the other person to essentially hide upstairs and not be seen/heard

Are you the poster who is going on to study midwifery? The one with the DP who won't turn the TV off or down at night? Whether you are or aren't, my advice is the same. Leave.

Your son is only one year old so it's a relatively new relationship. You have a son. You are a mother. An adult with responsibilities. It's time to stop living with parents (yours or your boyfriends) and get a family home.
What kind of lifestyle are you showing your son? Your boyfriend is immature. He's still "hanging out with his mates" like some teen taking advantage of his mum and dad being out but not wanting his girlfriend to be around.

And don't get me started on what I think of boys coming round for a cigarette in a house where a baby lives...

How old are you? Is your boyfriend your child's father?

OP seems to be studiously ignoring the question about if she's the poster who's boyfriend is awful to her but this is the thread if anyone is wondering:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3739947-to-want-to-fall-asleep-in-silence

Seems like the same poster to me. And the advice is the same: move out and get away from this man. I guess the OP didn't like that advice on her previous thread so has changed names and is trying again. Sadly her boyfriend is still a dick and that's one thing that won't change.

Are you and your son living in this man's parents' house because you can't afford to have a home of your own? I think you should look into finding somewhere for your and your child to live, whether or not you want to put any more effort into maintaining a couple-relationship with a man who doesn't sound like much of a prize - at the moment it is likely that he could decide he's had enough of you and throw you and your DS out with very little notice.

If your son is only 1 and it sounds like he is not the father quite honestly I’m afraid I’m yet again thinking this is a case of a mother rushing into a serious relationship without proper consideration for her child’s (or her own) needs. Particularly complicated by its being his parents house!

So there’s at least 5 of you living there? Has your boyfriend ever lived away from his parents? How old are you and he?

This sounds a very unhealthy set up all round. Like hell would I be banished to my bedroom in my own home by someone else! Wtf!

Seems to me you’d be better off ditching the controlling man child and raising your child alone, getting some therapy to bolster your self esteem and boundaries and not getting into another relationship until you have that all sorted.

“I contribute more than he does.” Why?

I don't think needing "one on one" time is weird for your mental health, there are plenty of people who aren't energised by other people's noise, and I don't just mean when their mouths are moving. Not everyone's an extrovert, though most of the world is designed for extroverts; some people recharge by being away from anyone else and in a peaceful environment.

Having said that, wherever you live I'm sure there'll be a quiet coffee shop or pub they could go to (not Costas or the other noisy modern chains or Wetherspoons or a Sports Bar).

You have said that when you broach problems you can sometimes be a bit aggressive. Could you address it in a non-confrontational way? My parents argued their entire lives, and I grew up thinking shouting at people or sulking or being overly nicey-nicey were the only way to resolve an issue, until a friend took me aside and told me a few home truths. (They're one of my longest-term friends and one whose opinion I really value.)

But I don't think this sounds like he's being particularly fair on you. For what it's worth, I've been in this situation, where partners have "banished me" because they wanted to spend time with other people, twice. They actually wanted me to leave the house, and in both times, I agreed. Neither of those partners were in my life long after that. In both cases we were joint tenants, with me paying more in one case, so we had absolutely equal stake on the address. We didn't have kids.

I'm not sure his parents would be thrilled with his behaviour, though, especially when you've got a little one to think about and especially this time of year.

My money is on he's doing coke.

he gets upset and it becomes about his feelings. I think it may be because I can broach subjects in an attacking way so he becomes immediately defensive and upset by what I've said/how I've said it. It's something I'm working on.

Uh-oh. Classic DARVO. It’s all your fault, OP, for not saying it right...

I’d leave too. If he’s not the father of your child and it’s quite a new relationship I wouldn’t stick around for a man whose mental health is so shaky he needs his friends more than he wants to spend time with you.

Yes, the post was mine. I have posted again because I second guess myself every time. I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not being crazy. I need to leave. But I'm scared. We live in a small time and share the same friends who are all closer to him than me, it would mean having nobody. I am unhappy.

I have rheumatoid arthritis and it affects my jaw. I'm in methotrexate. This means I'm unable to do a certain thing for him in bed and he knows this but constantly hounds me. I can't even fully straighten my arms anymore due to joint damage. He keeps asking me to fork out to buy special gel for it so I can give it to him. Today he said if I was single and went for a night out and went back home with someone, he bets I would "suck their dick". Again, this isn't right is it? I feel stuck and trapped.

I meant town, not time.

Bin him. He's awful.

Fucking HELL!

Please please please leave.

Small town or not.

You’ll find better friends and be happier if you’re not living with a emotionally absent, selfish abusuve bastard.

Fucking hell.

IT IS NOT RIGHT.

You’re worth much much more.

I wouldn't even be having the conversation with him, I would be carrying on as normal and going about my business downstairs, regardless of who he has over.

You aren't a child presumably, so why have you accepted being banished to your bedroom? By all means he should have time with his friends but it shouldn't be to the detriment of yourself. If you want to go downstairs, go downstairs, you'd think you were a secret the way he is carrying on.

Ask your friends round on 3 consecutive nights and tell him to stay away. See how he likes it.

Or just leave, because he does not sound worth the effort.

Is that abusive? I wouldn't go that far, with the whole watching tv whilst I try to sleep issue he apologised and now acknowledges he was wrong and went downstairs to watch tv the past couple of nights.

Who the hell pops round to a pals house for a ciggie.

He thinks we're stronger than ever. Yes, because he has just about finsihed training you, hasn't he?

Between this and our other thread it is really clear you have got yourself into a place you need to get out of.

Be kind to yourself. Admit you fucked up and this one is not a keeper. Move out and spend time on your self esteem. You MUST be worth more than him and his revoltingly self centred, abusive behaviour!

Yes the whole relationship is abusive

Is your son his