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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a contract to ensure DP pays me back?

114 replies

Mangobluesky · 12/11/2019 07:06

Without going into details I’m in a position where I am essentially going to pay a large sum of money, of which DP owes half (so we should be splitting it 50/50 but he doesn’t currently have the funds). Less than £10k but more than £1k so I would really like to ensure I get the bit I am owed back.

I trust DP and and we have been together a few years but I always see people on here particularly saying how when you’re not married you need to protect yourself etc.

We’ve already agreed he’ll set up a regular standing order and should be able to pay it off over several months/a year but there’s a worry in the back of my mind that If we suddenly broke up for whatever reason he could just walk away and deny he ever owed it.

I do NOT think he is the type to do this and he is incredibly honest, I am just naturally very anxious about things.

However, would it be bizarre to draw up a contract/IOU so we have something in writing in case the worst happens? I’ve seen documents online that you can alter yourself, just sort of saying ‘so and so owes x, commits to pay back in instalments, dated and signed’

Has anyone ever done this? Feel free to tell me IABU and ridiculous but we aren’t married (plan to be in the future) so finances aren’t shared currently.

OP posts:
averythinline · 12/11/2019 07:25

Do you have to pay it all up front? i would try not to or wait until he has saved his 50%- if he can pay you the money he can save it.....

is it for something tangible like a car if so its all in your name and is yours until he has paid 50%

If it is something intangible like a holiday - I would wait until he'd saved ....

You are loaning him the money - so as always with loaning to a 'friend' could you afford to lose the amount you are loaning him?? if not then don't

could he not get it from the bank if its something that can't wait?

I think you maybe able to use small claims court if he doesnt pay as agreed but not sure and you will need proper evidence of any loan and agreement to pay back and tehre is a cost but its not too bad....

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 07:25

I'd do it. Whenever ex partners go on Judge Rinder he tells them that it's assumed in an relationship that money given is family money and that if there's no contract he can't award any money. He tells people to always have a written contract.

Can you tell I've been spending maternity leave wisely Grin

RandomMoth · 12/11/2019 07:25

Anything signed is not a legally binding contract! You could do what Hanab says but to my mind that's unnecessary overkill.

Look at it this way, a verbal agreement to repay a loan is binding, the difficulty is just that it's hard to prove what was agreed. If you have clear evidence (say an exchange of emails) that would be enough.

Brynssatnav · 12/11/2019 07:26

YANBU. Just going to echo what a pp said - you never know someone until you split up with them. It's obviously a sizeable amount that you're concerned about paying it back by yourself so I think you're being sensible especially as you're not married. I wouldn't get upset with a partner if they asked me sign something with regards to paying back money owed but then I get quite anxious about people thinking I don't pull my weight financially.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 12/11/2019 07:27

I've had to do something similar for DH over the years....I've kept a record of the correspondence which is in his name (eg a final demand for running up a credit card) and then have kept screen shots of our discussion on text eg agreeing that I would pay it off and how much per month he would then pay me back. I keep these in a cloud like Dropbox

Legally if you could establish that it's his loan and he is paying you back via regularly repayments then it wouldn't be considered a gift and if you did break up you should be able to recover the money

ChilledBee · 12/11/2019 07:27

@Mangobluesky

My husband is very much in the "don't lend anything you can't afford to give away" brigade so no, he wouldn't. His friends usually exchange "things" rather than money though. Expensive things nonetheless. Some minor drama when someone breaks or loses someone else's thing but they work it out.

averythinline · 12/11/2019 07:27

you are not a cold bitch - just bloody sensible - you have this money he doesn't ....why would you be in the wrong for saying - no I can't afford to loan you that money.....its true... be sure of yourself...

suesylvesterr · 12/11/2019 07:27

It would be enforceable in the situation where you'd have to take him to a small claims court to have it paid back. You are right in thinking a contract of some sort would cover you. It would also need to be witnessed.

That being said, yes it would be awkward in your situation and I'd imagine he'd take offence.

But you can't trust anyone. It's a good idea to cover your back. Or if in doubt, don't lend him the money.

ChilledBee · 12/11/2019 07:28

After we got engaged, we sort of phased out the concept of lending each other money. We help each other pay for things. Still do until now actually.

Henhophouse · 12/11/2019 07:29

WhY are people so sure it isn’t legally binding?

SmileCheese · 12/11/2019 07:30

Is that basically what a pre-nup is?

I don't actually know anyone who has ever had a pre nup but they make sense I suppose in clarifying who had what before a marriage and are especially useful should either partner have children so that assets are protected.

A contract for an item in a relationship on the other hand just seems mindboggling to me. My other half paid more for our new bathroom, should he have drawn up a contract for the money so it was equal just incase we split up?

In a relationship there should be an element of trust and if you trust him enough to live with him and plan to get married then honestly I would feel hurt in his shoes that you didn't trust him to pay it back.

Knackeredmommy · 12/11/2019 07:33

YANBU, I did this after watching Judge Rinder. Get him to sign and date an agreement saying it's a loan of X amount and he'll pay it back in instalments by X date.
It is legal evidence that the money was given as a loan.
When my DP became my ex and owed me some money I was glad we'd done this!

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/11/2019 07:38

I would not pay his share and have him pay me back. I would either postpone the purchase until he had saved his share or ask him to get a personal loan for his share from his bank.

Kiwiinkits · 12/11/2019 07:38

No a prenup is an agreement on how to split assets in the event of a split (I am party to one).
A loan agreement is something different. It sets out the terms of a loan (loan amount, interest rate, repayment schedule, and other terms like how they are going to resolve disputes: arbitration, mediation or court).
Not sure why people think either of those will be unenforceable? Property relationship agreements (prenups) can sometimes be unenforceable if there’s a disparity in negotiating power or if there’s not separate legal advice to the parties or if circumstances have changed dramatically in the marriage so as it would be patently unfair to enforce the contract.

Original poster
Mangobluesky · 12/11/2019 07:39

@SmileCheese. Your bathroom example is quite similar - something that we both benefit from but I wouldn’t physically be able to keep or take away if we broke up (like a car etc)

I do agree with the ‘how far does it go?’ And you can’t keep writing contracts for every random thing but this is the first time I’ve had this sort of thing happen.

OP posts:
VondaVomin · 12/11/2019 07:42

I don't think you need to make it hugely formal. Just send him an email recording the terms of your deal and as long as he starts making payments under it he has accepted it.

Kiwiinkits · 12/11/2019 07:42

^ please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here.

Original poster
Mangobluesky · 12/11/2019 07:43

@VondaVomin. That’s a good idea about the emails as we’ve been emailing about this purchase anyway.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 12/11/2019 07:45

Just commonsense, YANBU. Make it a direct debit, not a standing order, then you have control and he can't cancel!

Smelborp · 12/11/2019 07:47

I think you’re being sensible.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/11/2019 07:49

I think you're absolutely right to be anxious. Hive lost count in how many times I've read thread on here where women have been blindsided by a partner of husband they trusted completely. Can he not take out a loan rather than borrow from you?

toomuchfaster · 12/11/2019 07:49

@Mangobluesky I have been in a similar situation, but for us it was a house deposit. I put up all the money and wanted something in writing that I would get it back in the event of a split. Then-DP's compromise was to get engaged! We're now married so it's all in the past but he pointed out that trust needs to be both ways, hence giving me a ring to provide it from his end.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 12/11/2019 07:53

its tricky, if you have a bitter breakup then he might come up with every excuse not to pay on the other hand i know a couple who broke up due to him wanting this kind of agreement on a house deposit as she was hurt he asked.

Alez · 12/11/2019 07:54

I don't know why everyone is saying it wouldn't be binding. It's not a pre-nup, you're effectively agreeing the terms of a loan. I think it would be eminently sensible to have a contract. By all means use words off the internet, but make sure you understand them. There's nothing to say you can't write it yourself in simple 'laymans' language though. Write it, both of you sign it and then make copies for you both so it doesn't go missing. (I'm a solicitor btw though don't do much contract law these days)

Slappadabass · 12/11/2019 07:57

I can see why you would want to do it, I agree with the protect yourself vibe on here too. It's made me think about things I usually wouldn't have even considered.

Just be prepared for a backlash, he might take it as a dig, that you don't trust him and may cause problems for your relationship.
I know if my OH asked me to sign something like that I would be extremely offended.