Friend thinks she's poor

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This is a bit controversial. It's not a biggie, but wondered what peoples' views are about this attitude...

There is a friend in our group who talks a lot about how she is one of those families the government refers to as 'just managing' to get by financially. She says she married a man who had nothing and they are not well off.

When I mentioned once about my child benefits, she mentioned they weren't entitled because their income was too high. They recently moved into a massive manor-type house in the middle of the countryside (and we live in an expensive area of the country). She mentioned they pay £2000 a month for it. She always buys expensive clothes, etc for her kids and seems in general to have stuff that we could not afford - expensive memberships, etc.

Recently, I was talking about how I am trying to apply for 30 hours free childcare a week. She mentioned that their income is too high to be eligible. That must mean their net income is over £100000 per annum. I'm sure that's not what Theresa meant when she said 'just managing'.

She talks to me about how poor they are A LOT. It's starting to annoy me. She knows we must have an income less than half of theirs. We have a small three-bed semi. We live quite frugally and do OK. But if they are poor, then what are we in her opinion?! What planet is she on? Maybe they have debts, etc. But I don't understand why you would move into an expensive manor house and splash the cash around if you are hard up??

Yes, and it's none of my business. But I don't understand this attitude at all.

@MoonlightBonnet Many professional women work at a loss for years in order to keep their skills up to date by going back to work. £5K a month may sound a huge amount but if someone is paying £2k a month or more for a mortgage they will have a large council tax bill, fuel bills and so on. The tax on higher incomes is actually 50% when you add in NI.
As PP says. add on tax free child care, tax credits and child benefit and the net income of lower incomes will be the same or more than someone on £100K.

Sick to death of these Performance Paupers!! There's one in every village/town!!

work at a loss because they pay nursery fees.

Sounds like she cant afford the life she is living and therefore feels "hard up" because of it Or she thinks she should be able to afford the life she is living but has bitten off more than she can chew and has had a huge slap across the face on what she can and cannot afford on their income as opposed to her income say in the 1990s etc.. spend according to your means. Otherwise expect a life of debt and friggin misery because of it.

I would have said something like “you know you are eligible for childcare assistance unless you earn I’ve £100000 per annum” and just wait for her reply and similar when you spoke about child benefits

I have a friend like this. Never seems to have any mo yes. Always arguing with her dh about money or lack of it. They always seem to be scrabbling about for cash.

Yet they live in a massive house that they're always having stuff done to, dcs at private school, holiday home in Italy, at least one other holiday somewhere else a year.

I think what they mean when they are poor is that they can't quite quite afford everything they'd really like to have like millionaires.

My mom does this. She says she is constantly broke. She Owns her house outright, was given 100k in a settlement 15 years ago which seems to have vanished. I'm only guessing it's gone on car upgrades, shoes or coats judging by the amount of wardrobes she has in her 4 bed house. And she complains the house is small!!! I honestly think some people just convince themselves they're broke.

My DH is on about 50k and I work too. He panics about money (we’ve got about £23k in savings, a descent size house with a low-ish mortgage about 2/3 of the value of the house.

If we go out for a meal and I decide I’d like a takeaway the following night, he goes a packer shade of cream and gasps ‘ohh but it’s a 5 week month’

He gets on my nerves, penny pinching everything. The way he carries on gets on my nerves and I’ve tried to explain that compared to some people we are very lucky. Perhaps it’s cos I grew up with nothing where he didn’t.

Some people are just OTT!

Maybe she's living beyond her means and that's why she thinks she's poor?

Sounds like the blonde mum on motherland!

For various reasons, when I grew up we went through periods where money was extremely tight. Today we would be deemed as in povertly and there were ten months where we lived with an aunt as we had no where else to go and mum had no spare money. I think that that is technically ‘ homeless’.

These days coloured my attitude towards money and, moving in prosperous middle class circles now, I see a chasm in my thinking about money and that of my friends. I am a frugal woman who spends not a penny extra and I still have panic attacks if I have to spend a lot in one go.

I married a man whose family was better off but prudent so we both have the same view that money is about freedom, security and choices, not about splurging.

We worked very hard for years and became better off and it astonished us to find others were envious of us. Our family and friends called us ‘rich’ as if a fairy had descended from the sky with largesse. We knew we had a nice house because we had worked (literally) twice as hard as they were prepared to do. Also, they spent money as soon as they got it on ephemera and entertainment while we salted away a fund for a rainy day and eschewed debt.

We do not flaunt our nice house and we certainly have no lifestyle to flaunt but, even though I am now on a small pension, having had to retire early, and my DH has a part time job after being made redundant, we are still regarded as well off. Our income is now minuscule, well below the poverty definition.

However, we manage and are very bemused at how others, who live the life of Riley while we still penny pinch regard us a better off than they are.

What people’s circumstances look like to others are not necessarily what they are in reality. Splurgey people often have debt and live from month to month whilst others drive round in ratty cars and tatty clothes and have savings and a house owned outright.

Sorry, poverty, not povertly.

I've noticed in life that genuinely poor people never talk about money, nor do the ones who are 'comfortable'. But those who are avaricious, envious of others, or living above their means, or deep in debt talk about money a lot.

It’s all very relative:

Friend 1- husband is a millionaire, she doesn’t work and they have an amazingly comfortable life.

Friend 2- happy for friend 1. both work, earn £70k between them. Have a manageable mortgage. Live frugal And only but what they have. So manage and can afford holidays.

Friend 3- want to be like friend 1. both work, earn £70k between them. Live in a large house, drive lovely cars on finance, use credit cards all the time. Constantly skint.

The issue is that friend 3 will always have to give up some income to pay off debt. The more they want the more expensive it will be once they have paid the interest on the debt.

Perhaps they are friend 3, want more but still paying for past purchases.

Living beyond her means I suspect and then wonders why it doesn't stretch far enough...and therefore feels "poor"! Ridiculous and no sympathy deserved in my view!

There’s no upper earning limit for 30 hours child care. That relates to tax credits.

If you live in an expensive area of the country and they’re renting doesn’t matter how hard the they save they won’t get deposit together. Add debts into that.

You’re looking at a cash rich asset poor family. That’s not a good situation to be in at all.

Who's renting a manor house for £2k a month??? That's bloody cheap!

DH has just rented out his house since we have combined households, it's a nice but nothing outrageous 3 bed. Town centre. East of England. £1,300 pcm. Pretty standard amount.

A manor for £2k??? That's £6-8k here. Or it's nothing like a manor and you're exaggerating quite a bit OP...

I have a friend like this she works and partner has four jobs they have one child who has well over a £1000 for birthdays and Christmas pay a lot for they clothes, two cars, bigger more expensive rent than mine, a lot more outgoings than me and constantly and I mean constantly eating takeaways and out as they have such a busy schedule, have all the latest gadgets and a lovely home and do cinema sort of activities regularly, they both smoke and she has nights out drinking regularly, holiday at least twice a year and she’s always saying how poor they are and that she’s never got spare money it’s a regular thing with her, I’m a single mother of three with two part time jobs don’t drive and spends about & £1000 between all three of mine Christmas time, our clothes I buy at matalan and that and I hardly ever buy myself anything, children have they activities and hobbies which cost me a fair bit some weeks but other than that we don’t really do anything that costs money bar our one week holiday a year and birthday parties for children, I just nod along with her and say I know what she means and hardly ever talk about how it can be a daily struggle for me constantly juggling finances around as I find it all depressing when I think about it all so not really a conversation that interests me she’s a great friend so I just agree and move on,
I personally think it’s how a lot of people live they live by they means and even if she had more cash she would find something to do with it and still have no money left her partner does mention to her sometimes about trying to cut back and save and she just thinks they can’t

You say you live in an expensive area, maybe shes trying to keep up appearances and feels poor compared to some of her neighbours/friends?
They will need to pay more for housing and moving to a cheaper area isn't always an option with work commute and dc in school.
She may also have a lot of outgoings so not have much disposable income once all bills are paid and/or they could be in debt.
They may have several dc which makes life more expensive, need for bigger house,car etc
If 100k is on one income she will be paying a lot of tax and not be entitled to child benefit etc, and so the net income gap between you and her may not be as big as you think.
Having said all that an income of 100k doesn't make you poor.