Friend thinks she's poor

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This is a bit controversial. It's not a biggie, but wondered what peoples' views are about this attitude...

There is a friend in our group who talks a lot about how she is one of those families the government refers to as 'just managing' to get by financially. She says she married a man who had nothing and they are not well off.

When I mentioned once about my child benefits, she mentioned they weren't entitled because their income was too high. They recently moved into a massive manor-type house in the middle of the countryside (and we live in an expensive area of the country). She mentioned they pay £2000 a month for it. She always buys expensive clothes, etc for her kids and seems in general to have stuff that we could not afford - expensive memberships, etc.

Recently, I was talking about how I am trying to apply for 30 hours free childcare a week. She mentioned that their income is too high to be eligible. That must mean their net income is over £100000 per annum. I'm sure that's not what Theresa meant when she said 'just managing'.

She talks to me about how poor they are A LOT. It's starting to annoy me. She knows we must have an income less than half of theirs. We have a small three-bed semi. We live quite frugally and do OK. But if they are poor, then what are we in her opinion?! What planet is she on? Maybe they have debts, etc. But I don't understand why you would move into an expensive manor house and splash the cash around if you are hard up??

Yes, and it's none of my business. But I don't understand this attitude at all.

Call her out on her bad financial management if she is poor. Pity her that you earn a fraction of the amount they do and aren't poor.
Recommend a local college course entry level personal financial management.
Then run a mile, she's no friend and doesn't really consider herself poor, at all.
She's just boasting.

I had a 'friend' like that at college. I was working 2 part time jobs around college, lived in my own (private rented) flat. She lived at home rent free, her Dad bought her car, paid her insurance, tax etc. There was me paying my bills and managing to live on Tesco basics noodles (9p a pack at the time!) and Tesco value bread most of the time. It really did my head in as she'd always keep on about how skint she was yet was also working part time with no overheads. Just avoid her, she's just stealth boasting without the stealth it seems. Just leave her to it and find new friends!

It's simply the choices that people make on whatever base in terms of salary and or savings that they have.

We all have different bases and make different choices according to our priorities.

2k is ridiculous. They’re just funding a lifestyle, when in fact they could save money or probably buy a property right now. Say the rental house is worth £1m, with their income, they could buy one for maybe £300-500k depending on their income. But I expect it isn’t flashy enough.

If you have that kind of income why on earth would you rent? I know that in certain circumstances it's sensible but generally?

I’d be tempted to make a few spikey comments about knowing how tough it is to have a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget. Or how awful it is to have ten fur coats but not one pair of knickers. Or the humiliation when you have to walk about in public in last years Moncler winter coat.

If she grew up with money she may well feel poor now. WHat you're used to or what your expectations are

"With all that income it's amazing that you are unable to manage your finances. Have you considered doing a night course in money management?" - And leave it at that.

oops, posted too soon.
Your expectations/lifestyle growing up have a profound effect on your relationship with money.

I had a friend like this who was always moaning about money. She lived in a really nice house, bought designer clothes, had a fuck off car but went on cheapish holidays because they 'couldn't afford nice ones'. Of course you couldn't as you all had designer clothes (including the children), a £70k car and fancy nights out most of the week. Note she is an ex-friend as I got fed up with the complaining.

For most people in this bracket it's down to the choices they make. I chose to have high street clothes and a boring car but preferred nice holidays. I'm no better off than her, just realise you can't have it all ways.

I also think it's attention-grabbing. They want people to empathise with them and jolly them along, and if they haven't got real problems, they make something up!

She sounds delusional. Either that or it's boasting.

I wouldn't get much out of that relationship.

Hi, they do own a small property that they rent out, in the middle of town.
They moved into this big house (with loads of land) from a 5-bed house on an estate, which would have been a lot cheaper to rent. They haven't moved into the manor house because there was nothing else - they could have moved into another house on an estate on the edge of town. I think it's more about looking as if they are 'living the life'.

It's more than I just don't get why she keeps going on about their poor situation. And moaning about her husbands income, which must be close to 100K as she only has a low paid part-time job. I'm feeling it's a bit ignorant of my circumstances to keep mentioning it to me, when we are quite obviously not as well off.....?

We have some friends who we know are struggling more than us, and I always keep it in mind when we see them. If they visit I make sure we do stuff together that is low cost, and I'd never dream of boasting about any stuff we have. I think it's just considerate.

I think overall, yes, it's a stealth boast.

No wonder they can't buy if they're blowing 2k pm on rent! Sounds like they don't need to be living in a giant manor house, so they really are just throwing money down the drain unnecessarily.

We are on a similar income and whereas I genuinely don't feel rich, I know we are hardly struggling and I wouldn't dream of implying we were to a friend. Even when we have had a tighter month for x reasons, I would never complain about it, because I'm not a dick.

How does she not see how ridiculous this makes her look?! If it's jealousy she's after, I suspect she'll be very disappointed.

It sounds like their spending has increased with their income, meaning that they don't have a lot left over.

It's not the same as being genuinely poor, though! No-one is forcing them to rent a massive house at 2K per month.

Urgh I know a lot of people like that. Husband's friends moaning about how skint they are after their house renovations....they all earn much more than we do and have big houses, whereas we live in a flat. And the renovations weren't really needed anyway, they just didn't like the perfectly good kitchen the house came with, as the "layout wasn't right".

One of my managers is also like this, always moaning about how poor he is despite knowing that everyone else on the team is on much less than him and we haven't had a pay rise in years. Then when I mention all the holidays and activities I have planned he makes a "hilarious" joke like "oh we're paying you too much".
Yeah no you're really not, I just have a very modest day to day lifestyle (small mortgage, old car, take my own lunch to work etc) so I have savings and no debts other than mortgage and student loan. I consider myself very fortunate despite being on what some would consider a low salary.

OP I would spend less time with this "friend". Personally I can't abide people who are status obsessed and always keeping mental calculations of what they have and what everyone else has. Some people will never be happy even if they're millionaires.

Where do you live that you can get a manor type rental house for just 2k per month?

I want to know too! Round here £2k will get you a 'standard' 4 bed home or a city centre 2 bed apartment.

We don't live London/South area. But we live in a northern county which is a little bubble, compared with the surrounding area. Its a dolls-house looking type, with a few acres of land and they literally can't see another house from their house. I'd say it's an older farmhouse type, not new.

Maybe her DH is financially controlling and SHE is indeed struggling to have a say in buying what she wants/needs while he is living his life splashing it on appearances - which she doesn’t appreciate?? Because she needs her priorities met which are behind closed doors and so not worth his spending??

Just exploring the other side as o know someone in similar setting

It is all relative so I wouldn't go all out in confronting her.
Relative, but comfortable. They are not threatened with homelessness, they don't need to use a foodbank. They are not unable to buy shoes for their kids. So certainly NOT POOR.

I had a friend who did this. A few years ago I was struggling for money, literally had £0 coming in (no job) and a mortgage and DH and two kids to feed. It was the most stressful time of my life, DH refused to sign on to get any benefits and we were putting the food shopping on a credit card. Luckily I managed to borrow money from my dad for the mortgage.

I'd try and talk about this with my 'friend' but she kept saying things like 'yes we're broke too, our new kitchen cost so much to install and our holiday to Italy wiped us out'. I found it so insensitive and upsetting.

Now I have more money I try and be sensitive around friends and family who have less than me.

DS2 went out with a girl. Her parents never came over to my car when I was dropping him off. He talked about her quite a lot and I found her to be a nice girl but a bit sad which I can't go into. DD thought she looked down her nose at us but I wasn't so sure maybe she was polite enough not to say anything when I was about. They lived in a very large detached house ours is a semi cottage. Had several expensive cars, expensive looking clothes, holidays etc. I did have the good holidays as DD and I went abroad to stay with my mum.
One day in the local paper he was all over it. Dealt in cars and got caught turning clocks back. They kept the big house as it was in wife's name. He had made sure the lifestyle was kept up. All I could think of was the fact that he had that lifestyle from ripping off good, working families and possibly putting them in danger.

Not everything is what it seems!

I don't understand this constant need to talk about money. The only time money comes up with friends is if you're going somewhere together and you want to know the cost. I do have a friend that tells me how much her house cost, how much her husband makes and her parents' house value. I don't reciprocate because I find that sort of conversation a bit odd.

Honestly I think we should be more open about money. A lot of people have a distorted idea about how their own position stacks up because all they have to assess against is the outward trappings. So some overspend because they don't realise they have a lot less spending money than the people they model, others feel poor because they don't realise most of their friends are in debt, people vote for policies that hurt them because they don't appreciate just how big the income and wealth extremes are, etc etc

Where I live £2k per month gets you a two bed flat 😂

Just challenge her on it - she's either doing it for attention or is clueless

I have often known what my close friends financial affairs are- from the cost of their homes to their incomes. If you have known old friends from uni days and you all get on the housing ladder/ find first jobs at the same time, it's quite normal to discuss earnings and living costs.

As above OP- where I am, £2K a month would get you a nice 4-bed rental and a 1-bed flat is around £800 a month.