Friend thinks she's poor

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This is a bit controversial. It's not a biggie, but wondered what peoples' views are about this attitude...

There is a friend in our group who talks a lot about how she is one of those families the government refers to as 'just managing' to get by financially. She says she married a man who had nothing and they are not well off.

When I mentioned once about my child benefits, she mentioned they weren't entitled because their income was too high. They recently moved into a massive manor-type house in the middle of the countryside (and we live in an expensive area of the country). She mentioned they pay £2000 a month for it. She always buys expensive clothes, etc for her kids and seems in general to have stuff that we could not afford - expensive memberships, etc.

Recently, I was talking about how I am trying to apply for 30 hours free childcare a week. She mentioned that their income is too high to be eligible. That must mean their net income is over £100000 per annum. I'm sure that's not what Theresa meant when she said 'just managing'.

She talks to me about how poor they are A LOT. It's starting to annoy me. She knows we must have an income less than half of theirs. We have a small three-bed semi. We live quite frugally and do OK. But if they are poor, then what are we in her opinion?! What planet is she on? Maybe they have debts, etc. But I don't understand why you would move into an expensive manor house and splash the cash around if you are hard up??

Yes, and it's none of my business. But I don't understand this attitude at all.

She may just be oblivious to what your income really is or she could be trying to downplay the differences because she thinks it will hurt your friendship.
Also, a big rented house doesn't really mean she's wealthy. My cousin always had a big house, fancy car, private schools but it was all debt so actually in real terms, she had a negative financial value.

If I lived in the north and earned that much I would be buying - why do they rent? I rent because a 2 bed flat to buy around me is £700k and that's a big ask for a first time buyer but it sounds like they could get something nice!

They already own a home. I presume they don’t buy another bigger because they would need a large cash deposit and don’t save up

I doubt that she's boasting. She may not be good at money management, so that she spends more than she can really afford and then finds herself in debt (someone like that, who really was poor, would quickly be labelled as 'feckless' but she probably has enough of a 'cushion' to survive). Or she may have relatives and friends who are well-off, and resent the fact that she can't afford all the things that they can. At any rate, it's her life to live; but I can see that it's annoying when she keeps moaning about her lack of money to people who probably mostly have less than she does.

I had a friend like this claiming poverty whilst earning collectively £155k kids in private school and parents that frequently gave them £50k cheques it’s very frustrating as really she has no idea

If she's poor then I'm the fucking pope. Poor is not having enough money to replace a lightbulb when it goes and not being able to afford a pint of milk.

I don't know, they sound like they have a decent income but are just really crap with money so probably struggle at the end of every month. They're probably the type who can't work out where all their money goes every month, but at the same time have come to see optional stuff like gym membership or takeaways as essential.

There's loads of people like this, work in a professional industry with people in their 20s and 30s and they'll constantly talk about having no money, they're on decent wages but high spenders.

Maybe she doesn’t have much disposable income so thinks she is poor

Tho if she isn’t eligible for childcare costs then salary is £100k +

What age are her kids ? Private schools ?

£2k a month sounds a lot to me tho next door to us was £1400 a month and a 3 bed semi tho in relative it may not be

Offer to swap lives for a week, including income, bills etc. Watch her run away. Fast.

She isn't in touch with the real world. Not on her scale but I have one friend whose has handouts from family every couple of years (talking in the thousands) and hasn't got money at the end of the month for going out/food. They're in a similar position with re mortgage, size house, car and they're take home pay is over £1,000 more than ours - I let it go. Just glad we an manage our money better as you never know what's around the corner.

Just ignore. Whatever her intention is, she will get bored soon enough if you don't take it seriously.
Some people think they don't have enough money even though they earn way more than average, because they spend too much.Think of them as sad people, and just ignore.

Clearly she's not poor, just living beyond her means. I would point her in the direction of the Money Advice Service as they have a lot of tools to help people manage their finances. Give that advice every time she complains and don't give her the reaction she wants.

I have a friend who used to be the same. It proper boiled my piss. They were worse off than everyone. Apparently. We probably were better off than them before I stopped work after having kids. It did come to a head and I called her out on it. Talked about it and never mentioned again. They must be about £25k pa better off than us. She had a moan about having to pay tax on her hubby’s company car (currently a 7 series bmw). She is a person, though, where appearances are everything. Would never have second hand things. I just dh ink that people like this live in their own little bubble.

Her husband must have an adjusted net income of over 100k (including bonus) for her to be not eligible for 30 free hours.

Next time I honestly think I'd say 'do you not realise that our income must be (eg) less than half of yours? And we manage fine. Why dont you look at your outgoings as your financial situation seems to have been getting you down for a while as you mention it a lot'.

Just FYI you stop being eligible for 30 free hours at a salary of £100k per year, that doesn’t not equate to £10K per month, nowhere near. It’s less than 6...

Sorry I misread I thought you said £10K per month.

She’s not hard up but it does irritate me that you lose your free hours and CB because one of you (usually the man) earns £100k. Just means it’s less worthwhile for woman to work so IMO they risk losing out long term. Whereas two people on say, £50k will come out with more net but still collect free hours etc.

It's all relative, maybe she is poor compared with her family and friendship circle?
100, 000 grand is a high wage in a lot of areas, let alone an expensive one.
Or they could be living an all fur and no knickers life like many do, to show off.
Does it really matter? Either hang out with her or don't, if its annoying you.

If you aren’t scraping to get buy then poverty is relative.

I have friends who are very well off. They can afford a lot of holidays, luxury cars and eat out all the time.

We are less well off, if I only knew about them I’d think I was poor. But we used to be very poor so I know that now we are relatively well off. I can eat out a couple of time a week and don’t need to budget.

Meantvto read NOT a high wage...oops

She's confusing skint, because they've overspent on luxuries, with poor, because they haven't got enough money to cover basic expenses.

Ruby - 100k is not a high wage? Really?!
People on that much money who think it's not a high wage have no idea what the majority of people earn, or how most people live in the majority of the UK. I'm not from this area. Where I come from, our wage is high (less than half of 100K). In the village I grew up in we'd be very well off. Here, we are relatively at the lower end of the scale. Yes it's all relative.

I feel like we live a comfortable life. We'd like a bigger house, but we still feel fortunate. How you can blow what 100k equates to per month boggles my mind.

I get why it is annoying but people who are really crap with money (like I am) do feel ‘poor’ half way through the month when they have spent everything. I am on a good wage but regularly pawn my ring to buy food in the last week before payday. It is ridiculous and I am ashamed, and I am in quite a lot of debt too, so she may be similar despite being fairly affluent on paper. I sometimes make comments like ‘I can’t go out because I can’t afford it’ which is true at the time. But I hope that doesn’t annoy friends and colleagues who earn less. Thinking about it though, maybe it is more sensitive to come up with a fake excuse and leave money out of the equation. I do understand that I am lucky though and stupid not to manage my money better when I read about all the people on here who manage really well on less. It sounds like she could do with a reality check, but I am pretty sure she isn’t being insensitive on purpose.

I have a friend like this who is adamant they aren’t well off but has a husband who earns good money and relatives who throw (tens of ) thousands at them fairly regularly. I find it hard not to get frustrated with them. Again it’s due to over stretching themselves financially and also having a large family which obviously increases general costs. It’s annoying they don’t realise they have had the luxury of the ability to make these choices though and think they ‘needed’ the large/expensive house like no one else ever had to make do. A lot of it is due to a sense of entitlement I think

Well it might be her perspective. She isn't poor but may be the people she is around with are much more well of than her? Or may be it is her way of not trying to make you feel bad about your financial situation but is rubbing you off the wrong way?

I've learnt that many people who are wealthy on paper, have it tied up for the future so it's not readily available, or it's invested in assets such as the yacht, the rolls, bla bla.

I know my parents weren't poor growing up but they damned well made us think we were, and are still doing it now!