Friend thinks she's poor

[Transformer123]

This is a bit controversial. It's not a biggie, but wondered what peoples' views are about this attitude...

There is a friend in our group who talks a lot about how she is one of those families the government refers to as 'just managing' to get by financially. She says she married a man who had nothing and they are not well off.

When I mentioned once about my child benefits, she mentioned they weren't entitled because their income was too high. They recently moved into a massive manor-type house in the middle of the countryside (and we live in an expensive area of the country). She mentioned they pay £2000 a month for it. She always buys expensive clothes, etc for her kids and seems in general to have stuff that we could not afford - expensive memberships, etc.

Recently, I was talking about how I am trying to apply for 30 hours free childcare a week. She mentioned that their income is too high to be eligible. That must mean their net income is over £100000 per annum. I'm sure that's not what Theresa meant when she said 'just managing'.

She talks to me about how poor they are A LOT. It's starting to annoy me. She knows we must have an income less than half of theirs. We have a small three-bed semi. We live quite frugally and do OK. But if they are poor, then what are we in her opinion?! What planet is she on? Maybe they have debts, etc. But I don't understand why you would move into an expensive manor house and splash the cash around if you are hard up??

Yes, and it's none of my business. But I don't understand this attitude at all.

• She may just be oblivious to what your income really is or she could be trying to downplay the differences because she thinks it will hurt your friendship. Also, a big rented house doesn't really mean she's wealthy. My cousin always had a big house, fancy car, private schools but it was all debt so actually in real terms, she had a negative financial value*

Exactly this

At some level, she's screwed up about money. Lots of people are. I'd just roll my eyes and mentally take the piss out of her.

Re the JAMs, it was to give credit to May quite a clever way of deflecting from the question of in work poverty - kind of a reverse of the "hard working families" cliché.

What I mean is that there are lots of people like your friend - conscious that they're well off, a bit graceless about it, not classy enough to carry it properly - so they tell themselves they're not that well off really to explain the fact that they don't live well as being nothing to do with their lack of taste.

Then when someone like May comes along and uses a deliberately ambiguous phrase that doesn't apply to them but that they're able to bend to make it so, they unwittingly bolster the Tories' false picture that there is no real poverty - how can there be, when just about managing is earning £100k?

So for that reason she's a fuckwit but she doesn't realise it and probably never will. None of them will.

My EX MIL has assets of 2.5-3 Million, with three properties in prime capital city locations and a few hundred k in the bank.

She would frequently talk about meeting her accountant to evade inheritance tax, because "the government are thieves - they don't care about us little people- they have no idea how tough it is for us- all they care about is propping up their fat cat friends. If it was up to them I would be destitute."

Not sticking up for her but you don't have to be on over 100k to not be eligible for child benefits et. You are exempt if one parent earns over 50k, even if the other earns nothing. So you can have a combined income of say 55k but not get it. Annoyingly, if both psrents earn close to the limit but neither are over it they still get it, so you can have a combined income of 90k-ish and still get it.

Stupid system.

It's all relative isn't it. You could earn £200 a week and thank god at how well you're doing. Or £1000 a week and think you're poor. We all see things differently. A person who earns £500k a year, but owes a lot more, and outgoings leave them in the black, could say they're poor. But we would say they earn £500k! They're well off!

I have a friend who lives in a bigger house than me in a better area, with a pony, who is constantly whining about how poor she is/joking about how rich I am.

It’s very wearing.

You could pretend to be her and sign on to an employment agency...say you are looking for any work going....that you have experience in the sex trade....and are broadminded...etc etc

Does it matter? Really? Maybe she thinks she is hard up - so what. Let her think what she wants. Maybe it is annoying - so avoid talking finances with her. Opinions differ - no one can be truely objective as no one walks in anyone else’s shoes. Enjoy her friendship and bin off the financial talk. Change the subject if it comes up or if you are in a group remove yourself from the conversation politely 😊 x

They are living beyond their means if they can't afford to buy a house. Probably they aim to buy something grand but can't afford. I wouldn't be renting if I had that income. If they waste money like that they might not have much left over and might even be in a lot of debt and feel poor. Some people are terrible with money. 100K a year is quite easy to burn if you are paying 24K Just in rent.

It certainly sounds like she thinks she's poor?

I know someone like this who is on twice what I earn and her husband is on the same wage as her (£70k combination minimum) and are renting with no intention of getting a mortgage as they think they can't afford it but they think of nothing of dropping 6k on a holiday or eating out every weekend or spending £150 a week on food for 3 of them.

They are wonderful people but have no concept of money and have clearly never had to worry about paying an electric bill.

Being poor is relative.

She is a donkey if she rents for £2000 a month .. what a stupid thing to do if you don't own anywhere and can't really afford it .. she sounds like a show off to me 🙄

She is convinced that she is 'just managing' because she probably is - not because she is 'poor' but because she spends all the money she does get!

I know someone similar (albeit with definitely less money that your friend). Always moans about not having any money left and being broke, but that is because she has been shopping and spent it all and I don't mean groceries/essentials - I mean clothes/makeup etc because she is bored at lunchtime and wants to 'do something' so goes clothes shopping.

@Transformer123 How ca you blow what £100K a year is per month. Well for a start almost 50% of that goes in tax. If you look at the net income of someone on £45K and £100K you would be surprised at how much tax eats away at higher earners. If someone has rent or a mortgage of £2K a month that leaves around £3K a month for food, clothes, fares, insurance, bills, council tax, etc etc. Where I am and people commute, fares and parking together add up to around £6K a year.

Thanks @JinglingHellsBells everyone thinks it’s lots of money. Well it is lots of money, but two people on £45k will be bringing much more home than one on £100k. The taxation at that level is insane.

If they earn 100k then 28k-ish of that goes on tax and 24k on rent.
That leaves 4k a month to spend on everything else. Unless my maths is way off.

They could have all on credit or just bragging as people have said they wouldn't say if they were poor. Each and everyone calls being poor at different incomes. I wouldn't boast about being rich or poor. Call her out next time you speak

If their on £100,000 they’ll be in 40% tax bracket - it’s all relative and if they have a big mortgage and big household utilities etc they probably do have a similar disposable income as you if you’re getting extra benefits etc (which are not taxable) ... I can’t really see why you’re that bothered its got nothing to do with you either way. You sound jealous - I’d just say good for them and concern myself with improving my own finances. Remember it’s the big tax payers who foot the benefits bills for everyone else ie you !

Tell her to live within her means next time she complains.

The take home pay on £45k is £2845 a month and on £100k it’s £5545. Not sure in what world that’s not a significant income difference.

And to not be eligible for the 30 hours, one of them is earning over £100k. It’s not a total income, it’s if either parent earns over £100k that you’re not eligible.

There are none so poor as rich people 😆

Plenty of rich people I know moan a lot about how poor they are. The actual poor folk moan a whole lot less.

Ditto generosity which I find to be noticeably less abundant in rich folk than in poor folk.

I agree call her out on it by suggesting she move somewhere cheaper - tell her there's a house on your street like yours at half the price. I expect she will find this highly irritating and will probs drop you as a friend.

Sounds like shes in debt. Either way, its toxic!

A friend of mine rents a very gorgeous penthouse apartment in a flashy part of London and they have a smart new car. They rent out their ex-council house to pay for it and the car is on HP which she's always worrying how to pay. They have no money leftover, both working long long hours to put on a fake show to so-called friends. It all started because their daughter got a bursary to a fancy school and they got carried away trying to project a certain lifestyle but they are in huge debt and miserable. It's weird what people will do to show off.
I wonder if she'll read this? Oh well...

Some people are horrid on these posts. Take no notice of people who hide behind their profiles

There are some who plead poverty because they do not want to dip into their trust funds.

@MoonlightBonnet

Now add the CB you can’t claim, the 30 free hours you’re not entitled to, the fact you have to pay an accountant for a tax return. Actually it’s quite significant.