To consider leaving husband because of his adult son?

[chocolatecheesedate]

He's 32 years old. DH 52. I'm 43 (yes, I know how that seems!). I have a 13 year old DD from my previous marriage.

DH obviously worships the ground step-son walks on, but to be quite frank step-son takes the piss. Going to call step-son T to make this a less tedious read. T has had everything handed to him on a plate. DH is a good sweet-talker and therefore over the years he has managaed to get T some amazing oppurtunities. He got a speaking role in one of the big 3 soaps recently, and his character appeared for a good couple of weeks. This was with no previous acting experience, it happened because DH knew someone who knew someone who knew someone etc. DH also managed to get one of his friends who emigrated to Canada with his business to give T work over there for a year, so T went over. DH paid his rent and everything hoping he'd get established over there because DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread). T came back after 6 months because it "wasn't his thing", he said the same about the acting. He also has a share of DH's brother's business, among other things.

T at the moment doesn't have a job, he has a flat but invites himself to ours whenever he pleases. He's here a few nights a week. I said to DH I get a bit sick of him turning up without notice and that I feel like he treats this place like a bit of a hotel. T got wind of this and snapped that it isn't even my house, it's his dad's (true in a legal sense but it is our married home and my DD's home). DD doesn't like T, and T doesn't seem to like her. I cannot remember the last time I saw them speak to each other. DD stays in her room when T is around and she has told me T makes her feel unwelcome in her home. I feel the same.

DH loves to emphasise to me "I love you and DD but T will always come first to me.". Fair enough in sentiment but he lets T walk all over him. Always bails T out when he's in debt. Buys him things An absolute classic time of this was a couple of years ago when DH's ex wife rang him to say that T doesn't have much underwear or clothes and that they should go shopping. He was 29 at the time, FFS. He's completely neurotypical and yet acts like a teenager.

Recently I have expressed to DH that maybe he does to much for T and I got an earful off DH, accusing me of trying to come between him and T and how would I like it if he said that about my DD etc etc. I'm getting sick of T and DH's acceptance of it all and I also feel desperately sorry for DD. I love DH but I'm sick of me and my DD being made out to be a nuisance by T and DH defending T no matter what. I do have the means to leave with DD and we would be perfectly fine, but then I feel like T gets his way. However as each day goes by I'm getting more and more convinced that me and DD deserve better.

You need to get out of there op. It’s only going to get worse, your poor dd.

All sorts of relationship dynamics can work just fine, but yours isn’t.

I wouldn’t stay in that situation.

So your problem is he helps his son out with jobs ect and his son comes over a few times a week for dinner? That sounds like a lovely father son relationship and you don’t sound very accepting of T. Your DH shouldn’t say to you his son will always come first but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to naturally want to put his son first, in the same way I’m sure you will always want to put your daughter first. I can’t see anything in the post that T does that is so terrible, yes he sounds immature but he’s your husbands son, I’d say you need to get over the annoyance he brings in your life.

Your DH is not going to change the way he is with his son and his son is very unlikely to change. You either need to accept it and find a way to live with it - stop arguing with your DH about it when it’s not going to accomplish anything - or leave the situation. Whatever you choose to do, you need to make sure that your DD isn’t moving schools during her GCSE years.

If you have the means I would seriously consider leaving.
Speak to DD reassure her she is your number 1 priority. This might jerk DH into realising his set up can't carry on, if it doesn't it is his loss.
I'd go now. He'll probably leave you for Canada as DD is starting college anyway.
Get out while you have those precious years left before she grows up.

When you said DH buys him things I thought it was going to be something extravagant or materialistic rather than pants or clothes...

I think you should say to your dh that if he wants his house to be yours then T must inform you before popping round.
If he disagrees with this then I would be saying then you and dd will be going out when T decides to just come round.
My dc are much younger than T but would never come and go as they please in my home. He sounds very disrespectful.
I think you should have the conversation with your dh as to is thus your home or not. If it is then you have a day as to who pops round. If not then fine, you will look for alternative accommodation and mean it.

This isn't going to change. Both T and your DH have made that clear to you in the way they behave and your DH has actually explicitly told you that.

As long as you choose to stay in this marriage you are choosing to make your DD feel uncomfortable, to accept that you and your DD will always be treated as less than T, that you and your DD will never have a real home, but that instead this will be DH and T's home.

If you don't like that (and neither would I), stop choosing it.

@MiddleClassProblem So it’s normal for a 29 year old neurotypical man who had a steady source of income at the time to rely on mummy and daddy to buy him underpants?

It’s not the norm but it probably happens a lot more than you’d think and the 29 year old and his parents are happy with the situation.

It sounds like your daughter woulds be happier without T in her home, if nothing else.

Does any of the or stuff with T actually affect you or DD?

I think it’s normal to help out your child if you see them struggling of floundering in so way now matter their age.

It sounds to me like T is lost, possibly depressed (but might be my ow projection as I have suffered with depression most of my life).

Either way buying a grown up child some pants and clothes is hardly frivolous.

My children will always be free to come and go in "my" home. It's theirs too, as far as I'm concerned. They're early 20s at the moment, and I suppose things might change when they buy their own places but for now, it's no issue. I'd be pissed off if a new partner objected to that.

I don't think it's all your DH and his son. I think you sound jealous and unrealistic in your expectations with how he should treat his own child. Do everyone involved a favour and end the relationship.

Its normal to help your adult children out.
It's not normal to enable them to act like overgrown teenagers.

I think you're best reflecting on what's best for you and your DD OP as I can't see this getting any better.

I think some of the hypocrisy on this thread is stunning. So it’s alright for the OP to tell her DD she’s the no 1 priority but her DH can’t do the same for his DS? Plus OP and DD complain that they feel uncomfortable but appear to be perfectly happy to make the DS feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in return.

OP, obviously this is a long standing issue and they have a relationship which predates yours. If you didn’t like it, you should have got out at the start rather than establishing yourself and then demanding change.

The things that his DF does don’t really sound anything to get annoyed at. He pulled a few strings , helped him a bit financially to travel and bought some clothes. He’s hardly selling you out under the table.

Where is DD’s Dad in this? Is he supportive? Does he help DD get ahead and buy her things? If the answer is no then do you think it’s possible that you are transferring rage against DD’s Dad onto DSS because you find it hard to see an involved and doting Dad if DD hasn’t got one?

I have children in their late 20's/early 30's. I still live (alone) in their family home. No other children and no DH.

And every single one of them would phone before they came round. I wouldn't even mind coming home and finding them in the living room, but, no, they phone or text, give me advance warning and never ever just 'turn up'. And these are my own children.

So I can only imagine how you feel, OP. Maybe telling your DH that you are leaving will precipitate him starting to treat his DS as an adult, but I would't take bets on it. DS is his 'little boy' and if he and DS's mum are determined to 'baby' him, they will. It will take him meeting a woman who puts her foot down about visiting the Inlaws to make DS change.

@Ibiza2015

Totally agree with you.

If he's been very clear that his son will always come first ... you can't get mad at him for always putting his son first!

So when your DD is older will you expect her to call and arrange a time and agree it with your new husband before coming to see you? No, I bet you'd be delighted to see her at any time. Imagine his son feels the same way, that he should be able to drop in on his dad in what was his house before you got there?

there are two entirely separate family units in the home.. you know this because your DH has told you.. His Son will always come first.
What you do with this information is up to you, but I would be seeking legal advise OP, if for your DD's sake above all else.

Ibiza
I'm not sure it's hypocrisy.

I think it's possible to put your children first, but putting them first doesn't mean enabling them to act like a teenager into their 30s and expecting your partner to roll over.

No way would I be buying my 29 year old son pants and socks unless there was an extreme reason, like MH issues or he was studying for qualifications. And even less would we be going on a shopping trip together. It's ridiculous. Nor would he be casually staying over at mine several nights a week. I adore my kids but part of that is ensuring they are independent and self reliant. How is he going to learn that if his father keeps bailing him out.

At some point putting your adult child first actually means being able to say no to them, not pander to them. It sounds like you may need to put you and your daughter first in this situation OP.

How are you positioned financially. Sounds like DH would leave a lot of his money to T rather than you if something happened to him.
What could happen is T gets a girlfriend. That could change everything. For better or worse depending.
If you are in a good financial position I would look at at least living separately for a while.

YANBU.

Love isn't a competition. A grown man should be able to have room in his schedule, life and heart for a partner, a son, and step daughter. I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent standing up for their child, but what you are describing is really mollycoddling an adult - an adult, moreover, who is really rude to you!

’DD stays in her room when T is around and she has told me T makes her feel unwelcome in her home. I feel the same.’

That’s the issue that needs addressing. If your DH wants to buy his son’s toilet roll for him, fine. If your DH wants to bankroll his son for life, fine. If his son is making a child uncomfortable in her own home then your DH needs to address it and if he won’t, you need to.