To consider leaving husband because of his adult son?

[chocolatecheesedate]

He's 32 years old. DH 52. I'm 43 (yes, I know how that seems!). I have a 13 year old DD from my previous marriage.

DH obviously worships the ground step-son walks on, but to be quite frank step-son takes the piss. Going to call step-son T to make this a less tedious read. T has had everything handed to him on a plate. DH is a good sweet-talker and therefore over the years he has managaed to get T some amazing oppurtunities. He got a speaking role in one of the big 3 soaps recently, and his character appeared for a good couple of weeks. This was with no previous acting experience, it happened because DH knew someone who knew someone who knew someone etc. DH also managed to get one of his friends who emigrated to Canada with his business to give T work over there for a year, so T went over. DH paid his rent and everything hoping he'd get established over there because DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread). T came back after 6 months because it "wasn't his thing", he said the same about the acting. He also has a share of DH's brother's business, among other things.

T at the moment doesn't have a job, he has a flat but invites himself to ours whenever he pleases. He's here a few nights a week. I said to DH I get a bit sick of him turning up without notice and that I feel like he treats this place like a bit of a hotel. T got wind of this and snapped that it isn't even my house, it's his dad's (true in a legal sense but it is our married home and my DD's home). DD doesn't like T, and T doesn't seem to like her. I cannot remember the last time I saw them speak to each other. DD stays in her room when T is around and she has told me T makes her feel unwelcome in her home. I feel the same.

DH loves to emphasise to me "I love you and DD but T will always come first to me.". Fair enough in sentiment but he lets T walk all over him. Always bails T out when he's in debt. Buys him things An absolute classic time of this was a couple of years ago when DH's ex wife rang him to say that T doesn't have much underwear or clothes and that they should go shopping. He was 29 at the time, FFS. He's completely neurotypical and yet acts like a teenager.

Recently I have expressed to DH that maybe he does to much for T and I got an earful off DH, accusing me of trying to come between him and T and how would I like it if he said that about my DD etc etc. I'm getting sick of T and DH's acceptance of it all and I also feel desperately sorry for DD. I love DH but I'm sick of me and my DD being made out to be a nuisance by T and DH defending T no matter what. I do have the means to leave with DD and we would be perfectly fine, but then I feel like T gets his way. However as each day goes by I'm getting more and more convinced that me and DD deserve better.

I think you need to have a bit of time out to clear your head and work out what you really want.

If you have the means, and it's not too disruptive to dd (!) then try a separation for a little while.

All my life, my brothers and I were able to drop in on The Parents whenever we felt like it. I suppose if one of us wanted to stay a few night then we'd phone and ask first. Even when we were adults with our own flats etc.

I know of 2 families where similar indulgent behaviour occurred. Both sons - one where dad dealt with his DS like this (not his DDs) - using contacts to obtain work; and the other where a mum facilitated her son's life. Both young men, now late 20's, are incapable of obtaining a job on their own and being independent. Sadly both have an entitled attitude. It is a pity as both young men are capable of more.

I would love to hear this from the husbands and stepsons perspective. I have found some of your comments bitchy too.
I also think you sound immature, you knew what you were getting into, and it seems from your post that he has always told you he would put his son first.
If it really gets to you, then it is a deal breaker and I think you should leave, but think very carefully, because from what you have written I don't think he would stop or run after you.

They both sound pathetic. I’d leave.

How would you react to DH telling you how to treat your daughter?

You can’t compare a 32 yr old adult DS with a 13 yr old DD.

T is taking the piss.
Your DH is definitely not doing him any favours trying to give him an easy ride as he’ll never need to grow up if DH is constantly solving his problems for him.

My DH was supportive but still expected teenage DS (my DSS) to sort himself out which after a tricky period, he did and he moved to the city and is now doing really well both financially and in his personal life. If DH had tried to micro manage things, we’d probably still be stuck with him lazing in his bedroom for most of the day and out all night.

Also, there are 12 years between DH and I so I appreciate where you’re coming from OP.

Your poor DD, focus on her unhappiness in her home.

Leave your husband to this ridiculous "underwear buying" relationship.🙄

Things aren't going to change anytime soon.

So if you divorce, you get half the property and your DD gets to feel safe and happy in her own home and you might meet somebody who can put your importance on a footing with his other family members.
If you stay, you won't get any of the property cos that's going to support the DH's feckless and territorial son. Know what I'd do.

it isn't going to change I'm afraid and if you don't like it you will have to leave OP.
I'd always put my son first no matter what. My DS is always welcome to pop round without phoning first and I'll often buy him things even though he can buy his own. It's just parental caring.
If anyone tried to come between me and DS I would leave them. I want my DS to know wherever my home is so is his without conditions.
I however am not allowed to go to my mother and stepfathers house without calling, without an invite or I get the door shut in my face and it's clear D step siblings are more welcome than me. It breaks my heart and I try not to think about it too much. I often wonder how my own mother can sit back at let that happen.
Maybe he is rude to you because he knows you don't like him. I'm sure he'd warm up if you just accepted him.

I don't think it's about putting his son first, a grown adult should be able to have a son, wife and stepdaughter without putting emphasis on one situation or another. It seems that it's the intensity of 'looking after' his son which is the issue.

I'd leave if it was me, I wouldn't be part of enabling a 34 year old to control his parents and guilt them into doing everything for him. No way!

It does sound an odd relationship. More like father and teenager than father and independent adult. At that age he should be able to buy his own underwear!
Honestly op, I don't see that changing any time soon. There's nothing wrong with parent and offspring being close, but that seems too much. I'm close to my parents, but I don't treat their home like my own because it isn't my own! I'm always welcome, but I'd never just turn up with no warning. The same goes in reverse.
The fact your dd feels uncomfortable to the point she hides in her room is something more. Has T said or done something directly to her to cause this or is it an accumulation of incidents? Either way she sounds unhappy with the status quo.
I think you're right to be slowly planning an exit. Your H sounds unable to compromise in any way.
Actually, have you asked DD directly what she wants to do?

I think I would find it deeply unattractive to be with someone who doesn’t listen to me. Even if elements of your gripes with T are unreasonable it sounds like these have built up over time, it hasn’t suddenly happened. And that DH just continues and shuts you down when you say anything is what is causing a divide. He could still love T and buy him pants and indulge him without making you and your DD so unhappy, like with the home invasion, being unpleasant to DD

A man in his thirties telling his stepmother and stepsibling that their home isn't their home, but his father's, is outrageous. And in fact legally quite untrue.

I'm afraid I'd leave. Your daughter deserves better, and so do you. Really sorry, OP. And your DH and his ex have failed their son, too. Sounds like classic failure to launch.

I think it'll just turn into a power struggle over whose child gets priority

I'm 34 and the idea that my parents would a) know that I need new underwear (did he call to tell his mum? did she go through his drawers?!) and then them b) have a phone conversation about buying me new underwear, would be enough to make me want to sort my life out...

I'm not sure I'd be packing my bags, I agree with @PookieDo that he's absolutely not listening. His son is 32, your DD is 13 and lives full time in the house, they are not comparable situations AND assuming he is acting as a parent to you DD, it's very difficult for you to instil the importance of hard work and developing independence with you DD in an environment if you are being undermined by DH in his relationship with his son. What would happen if she fell on hard times as an adult, or needed money for something (a course for example), would he help her out financially? I think I'd find it quite damaging to live with a step dad who felt I was 'not his problem' (this has not been insinuated in the post, but I'm just pondering how this dynamic of spoiling his own son compares to how she is treated by her step dad). What is the relationship with her own Dad like, what are his attitudes? She could be getting very mixed messages all round.

It sounds like you need a very frank and open conversation about where your bottom lines are and what you both need to feel both of your children are being treated fairly. If you both feel your terms are unreasonable then perhaps time to move on.

"DH loves to emphasise to me "I love you and DD but T will always come first to me.". "
Leave. ASAP. You owe your daughter a home she feels comfortable in, and you owe yourself a relationship with a grown-up, not a manchild-facilitating arsewipe. Leave and don't look back.

"I do have the means to leave with DD and we would be perfectly fine, but then I feel like T gets his way."
So let him 'get his way'. See how he likes 'his way' when his fool of a father starts expecting him to fill the void he's created. Besides, it's not about T. It's about you and your daughter. You both deserve to get 'your way', and neither of you are going to get that whilst you remain in this relationship. T doesn't matter. Your DD and you do.

What an absolute man baby, a grown 34 year old having his parents buy his underwear? Just beyond pathetic.
I couldn’t tolerate this either OP, I would seriously consider leaving.

*32 not 34 but equally as pathetic!

OP if you are married the house is your joint property. Depending on the length of your marriage is what claim you could make if you divorced.

Your DSS needs to phone before popping round or at least ring the bell before letting himself in. Personally if you walk around nake he would start doing the latter.

In regards to who buys his clothes and his lack of work it is none of your business as long as you are not financing it. I unfortunately know a few 30 something's who can't stand on their own two feet.

You haven't said what your DD is uncomfortable with. She is a teenager and loads of things that are normal would make her uncomfortable.

There's no way I'd stay in this situation. Your DH is being very unreasonable to facilitate his son to this extent.
You need to feel like it's you and your daughters home and to make decisions together.
I'd feel like a poor relation being told by my stepson it's his house etc.
I couldn't live like it.
And your DH buying his son underwear at his age is pathetic and not attractive at all.

T is his kid. It doesn’t matter how old your child is, they are still your child.

It doesn’t sound like T has really done much wrong to be honest. You’re blaming him because his dad helped him get an acting job and helped him get a job in Canada, and T didn’t commit to these things? It’s perfectly normal for parents who have connections to put their kids in touch with their connections! Are you seriously suggesting that T should have stayed living in Canada - away from all friends and family - when he said it wasn’t for him? Wouldn’t you help out your own daughter if you had the connections to? And if you did help her move halfway across the world would you expect her to stay there out of principle if she didnt like it and wasn’t happy there, or would you welcome her home? Similarly, your daughter lives with you and your husband but you resent his son for coming over for a few nights a week? Would you turn away your own daughter in a few years time? It sounds like you just don’t like T and wish he would leave you alone so you can be a happy family that he isn’t involved in. Yeah he’s an adult but like I said, he’s your husbands child and it sounds like they have a lovely, close relationship. Are you jealous by any chance? I can’t think why else you’d be bothered by this. And yeah the underwear thing is weird but why do you care? It doesn’t involve you and didn’t cost you husband a lot of money or time. So why are you so annoyed by it? I just don’t understand your problem. To answer your question, no you’re not being unreasonable to consider leaving your husband over this as you clearly despise his son when you know how important his son is to him. However to be honest my main thought when reading this was, have you considered that if you don’t stop acting like this towards his son then he might leave you first? I would, if my partner was being resentful of my supporting my child how I personally saw fit to. It doesn’t matter what age my kids are, i want to be close to them and be there to help them out and see them regularly, I’d be thrilled to have my kids wanting to come and see me so often when they’re older! I’d not let anyone bully me into cutting out my own kid, especially when their kid lived with me.

T is a manchild... the boy that never grew up... intimidating a young girl.. yip he's a class act OP...

OP sadly you won;t win this one.T is here to stay ..T was here,loved and wanted and cared for by his father long before you were on the scene and you should have known that from the very start.If you cannot live with the fact that quite rightly so, t and his dad;s relationship will always trump out yours and dh ;s relationship then you have to leave.No one on this earth would ever tell me where my children should come in any relationship I chose to have. Its your choice as to what you do but you have been told by your DH where you stand with him and his son...and if the roles were reversed I would expect you to put your child first always too....Can you not atleast try to sit down with T just you two and try to air your differences and see if you can come to some agreement on how to build a relationship respectfully on both sides for the sake of the whole family? It has to be worth a shot surely?

I'd rather be single living with just my own child than put up with this shit.

Sorry but I don't see the problem..yes it annoying But T is entitled to come and go from his father's house without telling you.
As for opportunities..So what? Why dies that effect you? And yes it's pathetic but a dad buying his son pants is hardly effecting you and your living standards is it?

The fact you don't like him is a whole new issue and you can only makeup your mind but why leave a man you love cos of this?