To consider leaving husband because of his adult son?

[chocolatecheesedate]

He's 32 years old. DH 52. I'm 43 (yes, I know how that seems!). I have a 13 year old DD from my previous marriage.

DH obviously worships the ground step-son walks on, but to be quite frank step-son takes the piss. Going to call step-son T to make this a less tedious read. T has had everything handed to him on a plate. DH is a good sweet-talker and therefore over the years he has managaed to get T some amazing oppurtunities. He got a speaking role in one of the big 3 soaps recently, and his character appeared for a good couple of weeks. This was with no previous acting experience, it happened because DH knew someone who knew someone who knew someone etc. DH also managed to get one of his friends who emigrated to Canada with his business to give T work over there for a year, so T went over. DH paid his rent and everything hoping he'd get established over there because DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread). T came back after 6 months because it "wasn't his thing", he said the same about the acting. He also has a share of DH's brother's business, among other things.

T at the moment doesn't have a job, he has a flat but invites himself to ours whenever he pleases. He's here a few nights a week. I said to DH I get a bit sick of him turning up without notice and that I feel like he treats this place like a bit of a hotel. T got wind of this and snapped that it isn't even my house, it's his dad's (true in a legal sense but it is our married home and my DD's home). DD doesn't like T, and T doesn't seem to like her. I cannot remember the last time I saw them speak to each other. DD stays in her room when T is around and she has told me T makes her feel unwelcome in her home. I feel the same.

DH loves to emphasise to me "I love you and DD but T will always come first to me.". Fair enough in sentiment but he lets T walk all over him. Always bails T out when he's in debt. Buys him things An absolute classic time of this was a couple of years ago when DH's ex wife rang him to say that T doesn't have much underwear or clothes and that they should go shopping. He was 29 at the time, FFS. He's completely neurotypical and yet acts like a teenager.

Recently I have expressed to DH that maybe he does to much for T and I got an earful off DH, accusing me of trying to come between him and T and how would I like it if he said that about my DD etc etc. I'm getting sick of T and DH's acceptance of it all and I also feel desperately sorry for DD. I love DH but I'm sick of me and my DD being made out to be a nuisance by T and DH defending T no matter what. I do have the means to leave with DD and we would be perfectly fine, but then I feel like T gets his way. However as each day goes by I'm getting more and more convinced that me and DD deserve better.

yes it annoying But T is entitled to come and go from his father's house without telling you.

It's ALSO OP's house.. they are married.

why leave a man you love cos of this?
Off the top of my head if I was in the OP's situation:
Because he allows his adult child to dictate if and when he shows up, stays etc and shows zero regard for others (I could go to my parent's house or my in laws without notice, but I will call or text ahead because that's polite).
He has proven that he is all too willing to enable man child behaviour in his adult son
He thinks its normal and acceptable for him and his ex to be still arranging his thirty odd year old son's underwear
He thinks that putting his son first means pandering to his child's every wish rather than being a decent parent helping to support his child to function as an adult
My DC doesn't like T and Ive no major feelings of joy towards him because his attitude stinks
DH has told me that his priority in life is to keep enabling his overgrown man child son
I'd have very real concerns that being married our joint finances could be used indefinitely to prop up said man child who hasn't needed to stand on his own two feet
I'd be worried that if I saved money to support DD then that could end up being dipped into as sort of the enabling cycle of behaviour
Having no backbone isn't an attractive quality

Eventually I'd probably decide that much as I love him, he's either spineless or incapable of raising a functioning adult and that would only breed resentment.

The biggest red flag for me is that your DD feels uncomfortable in her own home. Some posters have said so does T but it's not comparable. T is much much older than DD and it's not actually his home, he does not live there. My gut instinct is that you need to leave. I'm not sure I'd be able to relax in my own home if I knew someone I didn't feel right around was going to just turn up whenever without warning. I really don't think it's fair to allow this and I think you need to be especially careful how you deal with this as DD will remember.

I think @LolaSmiles* summed it up really.

If you have the means to leave OP do it.
The main problem is your DH has already told you who's his main priority.

T's nasty behaviour will be just the same in 10 or 20years time, probably a lot lot worse, and you and your DD will be the only targets and your DH will sit back and allow it to happen.

That's quite likely mspepperpots.

If T has spent his whole life being enabled and allowed to behave like a spoilt brat then that's unlikely to change and his sense of entitlement will only increase.

I feel sorry for you OP. Your DH is clearly a nice man but his son clearly is a pain in the arse.

To the person that said they see nothing wrong with this relationship dynamic....He’s 32 for goodness sake, what 32 year old man goes and sleeps at his dads house a few times a week? Sounds like he’s not grown up because he’s been spoon fed and continues to be. 22 yes but 32!!

Eughhh OP I can’t see this changing at all. I think I’d think of leaving to be honest as he sounds like a spoilt brat who hasn’t grown up! Good luck x

"what 32 year old man goes and sleeps at his dads house a few times a week?"
One who gets his kicks making his stepmother and stepsister uncomfortable?

YANBU OP, I don’t think I could abide this even from one of my own children let alone a stepchild.

A NT 32 year old should not be so heavily reliant on their parents anymore, it just isn’t natural. He isn’t a teenager or even in his early twenties, he is a fully grown adult and really needs to act like one. Most people have families, spouses, careers etc by 32. I’m assuming he has little to no friends because surely most 32 year olds would be utterly humiliated to live this way. Your DH and his Mum both need to stop mollycoddling him, he needs to forge his own life.

I would get out of that house immediately. You don't feel at home. Your daughter doesn't feel at home. Go and find yourselves somewhere where you can both be happy. The situation between your husband and his son will continue for years and years - get yourself away from it.

I think the husband wants to trap the son so that he can live vicariously through him, he will feel as if the son's successes are his, as he gets older he will draw his son more tightly to him so that he will be there to tend to him in his dotage
Yes you should escape now...

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with adult DC coming and going as they please, providing ALL members of the household are happy with this.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to call in advance and he should respect this as should your DH.

I don't really understand the whole "he comes first" comment. He's not a child!

I think you need to demand that boundaries are made and respected. If not then I'd lose love and respect for my DH and have to leave.

Would one idea for a solution be to sell the 'family' home and buy something that you and your DH chose together?

T might take the hint, presumably he's coming back and sleeping in 'his' bedroom? If you buy a house with room for you and partner and your DD, but T has to put up with a box room or a futon somewhere, he may be less encouraged to stay, whilst still having his 'own room'. Your DD could have input into the buying process and it might make her feel more settled.

I think it'll just turn into a power struggle over whose child gets priority

except there is only one child in this situation. The other "child" is grown arse man who is acting like a child, which is frankly pathetic. I would be embarrassed if my adult child couldn't even manage to buy his own pants.

OP, personally I think you need to leave for your sake and DDs and let daddy and his little baby move to Canada and live a happy co dependent life on their own.

I’d leave, OP. Your partner and stepson are welcome to have whatever kind of codependent relationship they want, but that is no good for you and DD. So leave. You both deserve better. I hope it all works out for you.

I agree. Things won't change so you will only end up resenting your Dh and being miserable along with your dd. It's not fair on you or your dd. It's great you have the means to leave. This is not about your step son winning. It's about maintaining your own sanity.

You’re onto a loser here Op. sorry, this is critically poor for your dd to go through- all kinds of real risks to her and future relationships she’ll model hers on if she sees that this dynamic is acceptable

It’s not.

DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread).
So neither of you have EVER been on the same page about your future?
He has carried on as he has always been - infantilising his adult son.
He obviously doesn't think his house is as much yours because he's allowing his adult son to totally disrespect you - and he isn't interested in setting boundaries.

Best call it a day sooner rather than later.