To consider leaving husband because of his adult son?

[chocolatecheesedate]

He's 32 years old. DH 52. I'm 43 (yes, I know how that seems!). I have a 13 year old DD from my previous marriage.

DH obviously worships the ground step-son walks on, but to be quite frank step-son takes the piss. Going to call step-son T to make this a less tedious read. T has had everything handed to him on a plate. DH is a good sweet-talker and therefore over the years he has managaed to get T some amazing oppurtunities. He got a speaking role in one of the big 3 soaps recently, and his character appeared for a good couple of weeks. This was with no previous acting experience, it happened because DH knew someone who knew someone who knew someone etc. DH also managed to get one of his friends who emigrated to Canada with his business to give T work over there for a year, so T went over. DH paid his rent and everything hoping he'd get established over there because DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread). T came back after 6 months because it "wasn't his thing", he said the same about the acting. He also has a share of DH's brother's business, among other things.

T at the moment doesn't have a job, he has a flat but invites himself to ours whenever he pleases. He's here a few nights a week. I said to DH I get a bit sick of him turning up without notice and that I feel like he treats this place like a bit of a hotel. T got wind of this and snapped that it isn't even my house, it's his dad's (true in a legal sense but it is our married home and my DD's home). DD doesn't like T, and T doesn't seem to like her. I cannot remember the last time I saw them speak to each other. DD stays in her room when T is around and she has told me T makes her feel unwelcome in her home. I feel the same.

DH loves to emphasise to me "I love you and DD but T will always come first to me.". Fair enough in sentiment but he lets T walk all over him. Always bails T out when he's in debt. Buys him things An absolute classic time of this was a couple of years ago when DH's ex wife rang him to say that T doesn't have much underwear or clothes and that they should go shopping. He was 29 at the time, FFS. He's completely neurotypical and yet acts like a teenager.

Recently I have expressed to DH that maybe he does to much for T and I got an earful off DH, accusing me of trying to come between him and T and how would I like it if he said that about my DD etc etc. I'm getting sick of T and DH's acceptance of it all and I also feel desperately sorry for DD. I love DH but I'm sick of me and my DD being made out to be a nuisance by T and DH defending T no matter what. I do have the means to leave with DD and we would be perfectly fine, but then I feel like T gets his way. However as each day goes by I'm getting more and more convinced that me and DD deserve better.

I’d leave. You need to put your daughter first. He puts his son first. I’m sure it’s complicated and you love him and you’ve built a life together but you need to simplify it. Your daughter is uncomfortable in her own home, she’ll resent you in future for it if you don’t leave and put her first.

You clearly don't like him and resent him. His dad got him some opportunities could it be he didn't want to do it in the first place but went along with it because his dad organised it.
Get you are pissed off he returned from Canada as the would of been problem solved

T is not sounding like much of a catch tbh and at 32 you would have thought if a GF was going to come between him and his parents it would have happened already.

I wouldn't want to live like this OP and it's not fair on your DD. Presumably you are independent financially if not make that your first port of call with a view to getting a rental and getting out of there. Carry on dating the guy if you want but keep him and his dysfunctional offspring at arms length.

I think you have to be realistic in second families TBH! Most parents will put their own children first its a natural instinct. My Son is terrible for not buying clothes as well ,Hes 31! If DH doesnt interfere with your parenting then I think you have to leave them to it .In honesty your DD wont have much in common with a 29 year old really .You need to sort things out as there seems to be a lack of communication here . Maybe if you dont want to move abroad the relationship may end anyway.

I usually say the kid comes first but not in this case, your stepson is a grown adult and your husband should be prioritising you and your feelings. Give him an ultimatum.

Your dh and T have an unhealthy dynamic going on by the sounds of it, that man child is never going to be independent and live his own life because daddy doesn’t want him to.
Look out for yourself and your dd, I would be concerned about the future with dh and T.

My dc are much younger than T but would never come and go as they please in my home.

seriously? wow

Is this T's family home? Did he live there with his father before you and DD came along? It's reading as though he feels totally usurped. He clearly has a very close relationship with his dad and they have different boundaries than you believe to be appropriate. I would be devastated if I thought my parents were not happy for me to pop in unannounced. All my siblings do this as well. It's very much the norm in our family. Obviously that's not the case for everyone, as evidenced by the responses in this thread. But if this is the dynamic that T has always had with his dad, I can understand why he'd be upset to have a new wife and stepsister move in and suddenly he is not welcome to drop by at his dad's house any more. Would you require advanced notice for your daughter to visit when she is older? I also don't think there is anything wrong with your DH saying that T comes first. That's precisely how it should be. That doesn't mean that he is necessarily right to baby his adult son to the degree he does, but that's really between the two of them. It's not for you to police a relationship that's been established since way before you were on the scene, and where both parties are happy with the status quo.

Your step son will always scrounge off his dad, and at the age he is is unlikely to ever make anything of himself. So he will probably be an omnipotent presence in your marriage for the rest of your life.

Your husband is also not going to cut the apron strings so the situation won't change.

If you are serious about leaving then I would talk to your husband first, as whilst he might ultimately always put his son first, he might not be prepared to lose everything else for the lazy sod. So you might be able to establish some boundaries, eg with visits and him making more effort with you and your DD.

To me it sounds as if T is jealous of you and your dd and is sabotaging the relationship and your dh is allowing it. It is not normal to waltz around the house at 32 as if you own it to the detriment of your father’s wife and her child.

It is not normal to put a man in his 30’s above your wife and her child in every occasion. It is not normal to buy them underwear at that age. Just why?? He sounds like the perfect candidate for a star role in his own version of the film “failure to launch”....

Your dh has thrown money him, lets him walk around as if he owns the place all whilst making clear that you are in his house by invitation only and if you don’t like his ds always being first, there’s an issue.

Did this all come out after you got married? Were you together long beforehand?

I don’t think DH is wrong. I don’t think you’re wrong but you clearly have different ideas of how the family functions plus he wants to move to Canada and you don’t.
Bit odd that none off this was noticed pre marriage.

From my perspective he does sound like he doesn’t really encourage his son to stand on his own two feet. But that’s the type of father he is and it isn’t going to change - moreover it’s not your place to decide what his relationship with his son should be like. He’s quite clear that his son comes first and you seem to have taken that as a challenge which is, perhaps, a bit foolish.

I’m in my 40s now and I’ve always been welcome in my mother’s house. I still have keys. While I call ahead because I live abroad, my brother, who’s just a drive away, pops in as and when. If she’s not home he’ll text her to let her know he’s been. While not all families are like this, it’s very common. If she married a man who pushed for her to put barriers up to our relationship, especially if he had his own children who my mum was expected to be more welcoming to, I would probably think she’d found a bit of a gold digger and I’d not be thinking much of him either. I’m not saying I think you are a gold digger, OP, I’m pointing out that from the son’s perspective your actions are likely to come across as selfish and uncaring of his dad’s priorities. Add in the over indulgence by his dad that you seem to be trying to put the breaks on and it’s not surprising at all that he doesn’t like you and your daughter and from what you’ve said I think that’s mainly your fault.

This doesn’t sound like it’s a situation you can make work. But sitting down with your DH and talking things through with an attitude of accepting your DH as he is and working on how to make the household friendlier to you and your dad without making it unfriendly to your DH or step-son may be fruitful. Nevertheless, as others have said, your dad is approaching a critical time in school and a difficult period in life. Making sure you have a stable welcoming home for her for the next 5-6 years should be a priority.

*you and your dd. Not dad!

Why are the divorced parents of a 32 year old man communicating with each other about him needing new underwear?! That is just bizarre!

OP, prioritise your DD.

Your 13 year old daughter is vulnerable in this situation because 2 entitled and co-dependent adult men do not care about her, as she is uncomfortable around T. Why does she hide from a 32 yr old man? Protect her first and then yourself. Let the 2 guys continue their bromance buying pants together. T, who should not be your problem, will never grow up until he gains independence from his Dad.

What do you actually want to happen? Your dh and his son are happy with their relationship, what right do you think you have to try and change it just because in your opinion, your dh does too much for his son? They aren't hurting anyone and they aren't doing anything wrong.

Your dd is 13, right at the age where it might not be long before she starts to be incredibly difficult, as many teenagers often are. If she does get to be difficult, what would you want from your husband? Criticism or support? Would you think it was ever ok for her to be made to feel unwelcome in your home?

If you can't cope with the situation, then leave, bur recognise that it's because you don't like your husbands parenting or his son, not because they are wrong.

Well T comes first to your dh and your dd comes first to you.
Your dd is telling you how she feels, dh doesn't care about you and dd and is moving away anyway.
Seems like you married in haste OP, no dick is better than wrong dick.
Or maybe his son was a surprise to you.

He got a speaking role in one of the big 3 soaps recently, and his character appeared for a good couple of weeks. This was with no previous acting experience

There has to be more to it than this. He had a speaking role did he do a decent job. I think this statement is bitchy and telling to how you feel about this guy.

Look, T sounds annoying but you seem to have real disdain for him. Would you say you love him at all, have you ever loved him?

The dealbreaker for me would be the fact that DD stays in her room when he's there because she feels unwelcome in her own home. If you don't have the kind of relationship with your DH and with T where you can raise this, calmly and kindly, then you'd probably better off out of it. Blending families is hard - it takes work from all people concerned and even adult children who have left home can affect the dynamic of a family and of the home. As you are finding. I don't think this is going to get better on its own, so you need to tackle things head on, But beware of ending up in a confrontation. If you are remotely jealous of T (rather then, say, being delighted if he gets opportunities because you really do want the best for him) then it will seep in and you will end in a slanging match with your DH and/or T. Don't let that happen. You might need to change your attitude to T before you're able to have that conversation.

The dynamic between father and son is a bit strange. At 32 you wouldn't expect him to need his father to go shopping with him to buy underwear. He seems to rule the roost a bit - the son I mean.
But you've raised the issue with DH and he doesn't want to discuss it properly.
It's not a good environment for your DD. Why should she be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home? And it is hers and yours and DH`s. Stepson has his own flat. Of course he should be able to come and stay with his Dad if he wants but he should be respectful of the rest of you. It's not actually exclusively his home anymore, even if he grew up there.

I don't think there is any future in this relationship at all. And then you wrote this which I don't know if anyone has picked up on yet.

to Canada with his business to give T work over there for a year, so T went over. DH paid his rent and everything hoping he'd get established over there because DH wants to move there eventually (I don't, but that's a whole other thread)

DH wants to move to Canada and you don't?
So how's that going to work?

My kids will always be welcome to come and go as they please how ever old they are. I turn up at my mums (and step dads) when I please and am always made to feel welcome, sometimes I’m there 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes once a week, they always tell me I’m welcome.

I think your dd is picking up on the fact your not comfortable with T?

It seems like there is a them and us situation among you. The son's comment about it not being your house suggests that he's very happy that it's that way and actively feeds it, and your husband agrees by saying his son will always come first. Blending families is hard if everyone wants it to work, but if there is this level of divide and no desire or intention to change it, then there's no way out. Just because you would also put your DD first doesn't have to mean that you'd take it to the extent they do. You might be up for give and take, but they aren't.

If you can afford to leave, I think you should. The DS is likely, by the sound of him so far, to be a permanent thorn and that isn't good for you or your DD. Do you want to be a pensioner and it's still them and me?

I didn't realise you could just walk into acting roles for a major soap

I’d leave, OP. Your partner and stepson are welcome to have whatever kind of codependent relationship they want, but that is no good for you and DD. So leave. You both deserve better. I hope it all works out for you.