Husband refusing sex because he wants to build his legs up......

[HesNotIntoMeIsHe]

He needs energy for the gym. Having sex makes his legs weak and he is trying to build them up. He has been a regular gym goer for years and is already quite built up.

WIB an idiot to fall for this?

He didn't say that though. If he genuinely has just gone off sex in general and no more wants a shag these days than he wants to go to raves in quarries or poetry recitals or whatever else he used to like doing and now can't be fagged with then that is an explanation in itself. I should think there would be a bit of onus on him to get himself checked out for some relatively simple, fixable causes of lack of libido such as an underactive thyroid and if there is nothing like that then OP can move forward with the information available to her.

At the moment there are loads of possible differentials and it does affect OP's actions.
"Why bother thinking about it, just leave if you don't like it" seems an odd position to take on a marriage.

If a man expected sex on demand from a woman he would be called every kind of twat under the sun (rightly so) and yet there are some posters on this thread who think that men are little more than studs with no feelings there to service them on command. Gross.

Grown ups in relationships should be able to talk to each other, surely.

"I don't feel like sex tonight" - one off, fair enough, no explanation needed.

Weeks or even months of repeated "I don't feel like sex tonight" - it would be normal for a spouse to ask why. Do they not want it ever again, is it that they're tired or ill, are they having erectile problems/menopausal problems with vagina/post childbirth crash in libido? Are they getting it elsewhere?

The spouse presumably wants to know if this is permanent, if it bothers their partner, if its fixable, if it's a longish term but ultimately resolvable problem (post childbirth loss of libido would be a classic case of this, as would manic at work but I am looking for a new job), or if the partner sees it as permanent.

It is unreasonable to pester your spouse for sex. It is not unreasonable to think that sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from friendship and want to know why if it disappears off the table for a long time.

Because for me I see it from the perspective of a woman.

If a woman in her 50s goes off sex I don't think it's right that her husband can demand that she goes to the drs to see if there's a "fix" for her diminished sex drive. Should all post menopausal woman have to go on HRT for example, just to improve their sex drives for their husbands benefit? My view is no they shouldn't. So if I have that view about women it would be hypocritical not to have the same view for men.

If the person concerned doesn't want to fix it then it's up to the remaining partner to decide what they need. Sure discuss it but I don't think you can be telling the spouse that they have to get treatment to up their sex drive because that's what you want.

I agree Hear that menopausal women shouldn't have to "fix" low libido (I am a menopausal woman myself by the way). But they should be prepared to be honest about the situation - i.e rather than a string of nights with a "headache" (or in OP's case a string of nights of "not wanting to impair his leg strength"), they should be prepared to say "look, I'm afraid post menopause and changes in hormones and all, I'm no longer interested in sex, and to be honest I don't miss it" so that at least their husband (or wife) can decide whether a sexless, companionate marriage is okay with them or whether they want to leave.

Not wanting sex - fine.

Avoiding discussing not wanting sex and acknowledging that this may have an impact on your partner - not fine.

Surely anyone can refuse sex for any reason though?

Yes, but the op it’s posting because she suspects a hidden agenda. It’s the deception as much as the refusal.

Sounds like he is cheating or possibly speaking to someone else

But maybe he doesn't know why. Maybe he's just not in the mood and doesn't understand why or maybe he's just trying to be gentle with op. Maybe he's checked out of the relationship. The only way to find out is to ask him and then guage his reply.

I don't think she can insist that he goes to the Dr or anything though. Its his choice to decide if he doesn't want sex and then her choice what she does with that.

woman in her 50s goes off sex I don't think it's right that her husband can demand that she goes to the drs

Low libido in both sexs can be cause by stress, depression or an underactive thyroid all of which have consequences for both partners.

Erectile dysfunction in men (leading to embarrassment and avoidance of sex with bullshit excuses) can be caused by hypertension, onset of diabetes, etc. You can be selfish with your health if you're single but it's not OK if you're married with children.

I don't want to make you feel worse but my friend's husband was cheating on her. He put his phone in the locker at the gym and then went off to the woman's house. I think you need a conversation really as everyone can refuse sex of course, but if this is likely to be long term thing then you deserve to know where you stand so you can make decisions accordingly.

He is definitely at the age that some men go a but funny. 48-52 I find are bad years for their sense of self. They are no longer 'young' but can't let go of the need to feel viral. It is a time they may turn to an affair to make themselves feel good about themselves. It may be that in his desperation to look/feel good about himself, he has become hyper judgemental about your body. Or as others have said, porn? I am sorry if he is not feeling in to you. You do need to talk with him and ask him to be open and honest as you can not go on like this.

You can be selfish with your health if you're single but it's not OK if you're married with children.

To a certain extent I agree with you but no one should have to submit to medical treatment they don't want for the benefit of others.

Treatment for high blood pressure and depression can actually cause a low libido so even seeking treatment for some of these conditions might not solve the problem.

I think it's a slippery slope tbh and not one that I want to start on. Where do you draw the line as to when bodily autonomy ends and family obligation starts?

I'm a powerlifter. I have regular sex.... even on/before/after leg day. Doesn't make sense to me

Where do you draw the line as to when bodily autonomy ends and family obligation starts?

It's a very interesting question. In my case- not at zero, anyway. No man is an island.

Thanks for all the replies. I thought that it was a pretty lame excuse. He is able to run fast and hurdle over fences, climb up trees (fitter than our teen sons!) so his legs are pretty strong.

He spends a lot of time preening lately, shaving before work but will stay stubbly for me which he knows I hate, uses lots of sprays, face creams, eye creams etc. Likes taking selfies etc so he is pretty self absorbed. I suspected he was cheating with or had his eye on someone at work due to that so decided to dig but his location tracker shows only work then home, or gym where we often meet up at to exercise together after work or go together on days off so I doubt he'd try pretending he's there, or doing sport and pub with mates, again I know he is there. See texts from mates arranging it.

I knew about the testosterone surge from working out. It certainly makes me more up for it but not him. I have to ask him for a goodnight kiss, then he turns away from me.

I found out recently that he does watch porn but only very sporadically. Literally once or twice a month on his Internet history then lots of months nothing. Finding that out made me feel more like shit as my body is nothing like a porn actresses and it seems he likes big boobs which I don't have!

I guess he's bored after being with me so long. We have talked about it and he said 'we're not teenagers anymore'.

We were doing it twice a month if that until recently when I wanted to increase it by spicing things up because I needed more intimacy but he just isn't interested.

Not sure how to proceed.

What's his location tracker? Does he know you are doing that? If not that's pretty outrageous tbh.

Yes 1000%!! If my DH used this excuse I'd flip my top! (literally)

My husband runs marathons and does triathlons. l can't say l've noticed it's ever affected his libido..... certainly not in a detrimental way, anyway.

That sounds shit lass.

A good and frank conversation is needed. He needs to fully understand how it's making you feel.

If there's no change after the conversation, then you need to think seriously about how you want to live the rest of your life.

Have you tried going on a girls night out all dressed up? Something like that may spark his interest.

I’ve now got ads for buff gym dudes appearing on my phone though, so that’s an unexpected bonus. Lol

OP - sorry but you really need to talk to him about this - from your update intimacy hasn't been his thing for a long time.

You have wider issues here if you have to ask him for a goodnight kiss. And even if he is bored with you he would still need some form of sexual relief - his urges would not just stop, especially if he is physically fit.

I'd guess stress, depression and/or performance anxiety are at the root of this.

ads for buff gym bods

Blaardy typical. I'm getting ads for Sofa Workshop.

Good one. Not heard that before.

other women have shown blatant interest over the years but I had nothing firm to go on apart from that

Wait a moment. You started tracking his location even though he gave you no reason to suspect he was cheating? Because that’s not a reason to suspect cheating at all. (Maybe he gave you other reasons, and you just haven’t said?) And he knows you’re tracking his location? So you accuse him of cheating, start tracking his location, and then try to instigate having sex more often. In general, a person isn’t going to have warm, fuzzy feelings towards you after you’ve indicated you don’t trust them and you’ve accused them of being disloyal. Maybe he doesn’t want to be intimate with someone who doesn’t trust him. You can’t have the kind of distrustful, on-the-rocks marriage where you have to track someone’s location, and then also expect to have love, warmth, and intimacy. I would seriously sit down and have a conversation with him and decide if you’re going to go forward trusting him or not, and tell him what you need as well (and if that’s more sex, it’s more sex!). It’s up to you if you want to trust him (like I said, maybe you have a lot more reasons for suspecting cheating than you said, and I sure hope so since you’re tracking his location...) And it’s up to him if he wants to meet your sexual need or not; no woman has to have sex when they don’t want to, and neither does any man. But you HAVE to talk if your marriage is ever going to get better. You cannot track his fucking location for the next 20 years.