Alone at Xmas, what would you do?

[middlemuddle]

ExH and I have 3 DCs and separated last summer. I am a care leaver so have no family at Christmas to go to, and I don't like to go to friend's houses as I feel like I'm intruding (I've done all that in the past). Last Xmas I said to exH that I'd like to have them in the morning & he could have them in the afternoon because I didn't want to spend a lot of time alone. He lives with his parents and they have a lot of family over on Christmas Day. In the end I think he only had them 3hrs max, but that was his choice- I didn't stipulate any timings.

I know it's his turn to have the DCs on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning but I feel heartbroken at the thought of waking up alone without them. I'm withdrawing from anti-depressants atm so I'm feeling my emotions again, and this is making me feel quite upset. Would I BU to suggest same arrangements as last year? Is it being selfish?

Don’t want to derail OP’s thread, so have started another, here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3739073-To-start-a-thread-for-people-joyfully-anticipating-Christmas-alone?msgid=91444211

I loved having Christmas alone post divorce. I had the kids Christmas eve, they'd go to their dads about midnight for the next few days.

The first year I cried.

The second year I went for a long walk in the quiet, and started to realise how nice it could be.

By year three I was a paid up member of the PJs all day, unlimited TV and mountains of tasty unhealthy food and no accountability to anyone club! It can be nice, and tbh - I am no longer single but miss my quiet cosy stress free christmas alone! x

Thank you for your replies. I'll talk to exH today, I asked him last night over text but he hasn't replied. I won't be asking the children- I was tired last night so I didn't think it through. They are not old enough and even if they were, I still think it's too difficult a question really. I'll sort it out with exH and just tell them what's happening.

I have a dog so I will take him for a walk but I can't say that will make me feel much better, but it's better than being completely on my own. I'll get him a new ball- that will be nice watching him be happy over it.

Maybe I'm just having a bit of a pity party haha, but the only real thing I look forward to on Christmas is seeing them enjoy it and watching them come down to see if 'he's been'. Generally, I find it a very difficult time of year (I went into care a few days before Christmas) and just have to shove the emotions down for them.

Don't ask the kids, that would be so unfair and pressurizing. Ask your ex whether you can have them in the morning or is he planning too.

Maybe change Christmas day to another day iyswim? So Christmas day just chill and watch tv or do something you enjoy then make dcs return and boxing day your Christmas.

Xpost glad you are not asking them. Hopefully your ex will be fine with it or you can find a way to distract for the day.

Could you have your xmas day on boxing day? Then you still get to see their excitement opening stuff. You could spend the day relaxing or getting prepped for your xmas with the kids.

Understandably a difficult time for you OP. Whatever plan you agree with your ex, it sounds like your DC have a mum who cares about their happiness and will make sure they have a good Christmas.

It seems sensible though for you to do the same thing as you did last year.

He's got the family there through the afternoon presumably, for a bog standard Xmas gathering? So it seems to work best for you to have the morning and for him to have them for that time.

If he has them for the morning, they should be coming back to you for say 2pm onwards, so cutting down on the opportunity for his family to see them.

Just because he only had three hours last year doesn't mean that's what you get! You get to say, I want them home for 2 (for example).

But I can't help thinking that you could plan it so that they have Xmas morning in their own home and then an Xmas celebration afternoon with him. It's probably what the children would choose - Xmas morning waking in your own bed, then the excitement of looking forward to going off with Dad for the big family afternoon. Different, equally important!

Yes Fizzy, he has family there. He has two sisters and his parents first thing- present opening starts at 8am and goes on forever as they make each person open their present one by one. Then at around 10.30 his 2 grandparents arrive and then 5 members of his family an hour or so later. The other members of the family stay until around 7pm after the evening buffet. The children went last year

I'm just thinking it's maybe selfish of me to want them with me because he will not get the 'has he been?' moment with them either if we always have it this way. He really struggled last Christmas, we both did in different ways. We are very civilised generally, we've been on birthday days out together for their sake and even went on a holiday earlier this year (I was very mentally unwell and ended up in hospital, when I came out I didn't feel like I could cope on my own). I've considered asking him if he wants to come over in the morning for present opening then go home for a bit and I'll drop them to him in the afternoon - but would Christmas be too far/weird?

The children went last year after Christmas dinner around 2 I think, because they never eat a traditional Christmas dinner and end up hungry so I made them a buffet at home instead. :)

Oh I see.

If you're on good terms, I don't see at all why he can't come over for present opening?

You could say that you know they'll find it hard having their present opening rolled up into the family one where everyone goes one by one and it's more adult focused and not them getting out of their own beds etc, and do you think it would be better to stick to a present opening at home, for them, with him there then he takes them to family later in the day?

It sounds fine to me.

That's a great idea op. Be great for the kids too. Good on you keeping good relations.

I think you could ask if he wants to come over for present opening and a cup of coffee. You seem civil enough, there are no new partners to consider, so it could work well.

Why do people work themselves up about Christmas so much? It's just another bank holiday, chill. Don't traumatise the children by playing emotional games. Enjoy the alone time or if you hate that idea do something social like volunteering.

@ housebuyingistheworst I'm not sure, but I often wonder to myself why people have to reply like dicks on MN. :)

@housebuyingistheworst - because traditionally it' sthe time of year when our entire society shuts down to spend time with family. So if you have no family to go to, it hurts. Not hard to grasp, surely.

Evennow, your Christmas sounds so lovely I could cry. I would like to send my love and best wishes to anyone facing Christmas Day alone this year, whether you're ok with it or not. Sarah Millican does a lovely Twitter feed for people on their own, if that's of any interest to people here.

A bit out there but one of my friends used to invite her ex from Christmas Eve & they would have breakfast & lunch together.

The ex would then leave & alternate with him taking the dcs to his family & her keeping the dcs for her family to come for the rest of the day.

Thanks @afternoonspray, I should have just said that but I was too irritated at the reply to do so. If they'd RTFT they would also see I went into care at Christmas, so it's not just Christmas that is hard per se- it's just a weird time of year because there's lots of triggers around I guess.

Ex has text to say he wants overnight Christmas eve until midday :(

I'll get over it, there's worse things. Thanks for your thoughts :)

It sounds tough @middlemuddle. All I can think of to suggest is that you spend a bit of money on yourself and plan your time alone by making a list of fun self-care things to do - the stuff that;s hard to get done when DC are around - your brows, nails, a facial, a long bubble or salt bath, a lie in, an upbeat movie etc. Then get things ready for when DC return - make sure you;ve got batteries in for any toys they are getting. Make sure there;s some space in their room/play area for new toys. If they;ve already had Christmas lunch, put out some treats for if they get hungry and they'll be back before you know it. You could watch a film together or play a board game, so you get some of the ritual of Christmas in.

make sure you;ve got batteries in for any toys they are getting

I was wondering where that’s as going!

It’s a difficult situation for you and my heart goes out to you. Christmas time can be very challenging for some people and I can see a few people on here don’t get it.
You sound like a lovely mum, putting them first and when they’re older, they’ll know and appreciate it and respect you for it.
Whatever you do, it sounds like it’ll be a tricky day without your kids but I hope you can find something to treat yourself with and brings you some comfort. If nothing else, that’s what MN is for.

I guess you'll be having to live with this arrangement for many alternate years to come, so can you invent your own special Christmas afternoon traditions so that it's still special but different from Christmas morning?
What about a Christmas picky tea of the dcs' favourite things with crackers and games?
Let the dcs choose a film and watch it with hot chocolate or Christmas cake?
Or in my family Father Christmas drops by again on Christmas night and leaves a small jokey extra present for everyone on the Christmas tree.

You can spend the morning preparing for the dcs and looking after yourself.

It is really hard being without your dc on xmas morning, and imagining all of the perfect intact families. But it sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing op in shelving your disappointment to co parent fairly and effectively. When they're older, your dc will know how hard it must have been and appreciate your sacrifice.

In the new year you could broach the subject of a joint xmas morning arrangement at your house if you wanted that, and if you could bear to spend xmas morning together, to avoid either of you missing out again.