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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Alone at Xmas, what would you do?

102 replies

middlemuddle · 08/11/2019 23:31

ExH and I have 3 DCs and separated last summer. I am a care leaver so have no family at Christmas to go to, and I don't like to go to friend's houses as I feel like I'm intruding (I've done all that in the past). Last Xmas I said to exH that I'd like to have them in the morning & he could have them in the afternoon because I didn't want to spend a lot of time alone. He lives with his parents and they have a lot of family over on Christmas Day. In the end I think he only had them 3hrs max, but that was his choice- I didn't stipulate any timings.

I know it's his turn to have the DCs on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning but I feel heartbroken at the thought of waking up alone without them. I'm withdrawing from anti-depressants atm so I'm feeling my emotions again, and this is making me feel quite upset. Would I BU to suggest same arrangements as last year? Is it being selfish?

OP posts:

vivacian · 09/11/2019 06:49

I’ve had similar OP and I made the most of it. As others have said, with friends on Christmas Eve, favourite food in for Christmas Day, indulgent bath, new book/film/game etc.

StateOfMind · 09/11/2019 06:49

I’ve been separated for 6 years now and my ex and I have the children on alternate years for Christmas. It is hard when it’s not ‘my’ year, there’s no denying that but it is part and parcel of being divorced unfortunately. Lots of parents are in the same situation. And my DCs deserve to have Christmas morning memories with their dad as well as me. I don’t want to deny them that. And it’s just one day. We just make Boxing Day our Christmas instead. N

If you have a invitation to a friends house, I would suggest you go. People wouldn’t invite you unless they wanted you there (you won’t be intruding!) and being with other people will likely take your mind off not being with the DCs.

SinkGirl · 09/11/2019 06:54

to you OP. Sounds like you’ve had a really tough time of it and having three young kids on your own much of the time can’t be easy.

I know this may sound ridiculous but can you try and look at the time positive aspects of this just a little? Christmas with 3 kids is absolutely manic, there’s so much stressing and running around and the pressure to make it all perfect. I would try to look at this time as a Christmas treat to yourself and try to fill it with things that make you happy - reading a new book, sleeping, swimming, going for a walk, baking, watching films you can’t watch with the kids around etc etc.

We used to alternate Christmases with my parents too and I used to feel really guilty about whoever I wasn’t with. It’s such a hard situation. But you’ll have your Christmas with the kids, just shifted back a bit. Maybe they could have a second Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you when they get home.

I’ve spent a couple of Christmas days alone and it can slip into feeling sad very quickly, which is why I’m suggesting you try to look at the positives.

Do you have any friends who will be by themselves, or who you could go for dinner / drinks with the night before? Could you have a little party/ gathering on Christmas Eve?

moonlightholly · 09/11/2019 06:54

It’s about how the op feels, though, state - I’ve been in that position and it’s horrible, tbh. People generally don’t want you there but they do want to embrace the spirit of Christmas

WatchingTheMoon · 09/11/2019 07:04

moonlightholly I disagree, I've invited people because I wanted them there. We have a small family and it's lovely to have a big full house of different people. I'd never invite someone just out of politeness.

moonlightholly · 09/11/2019 07:09

Maybe but you can surely see that people DO.

In any event the OP has said she doesn’t want to and I wouldn’t either. Being with someone else’s family can be very painful.

ShippingNews · 09/11/2019 07:12

I've had a few solo Christmas days. I've always arranged to volunteer at a women's shelter on those days. Honestly, it gives you a different view of life to spend that special day with people who have nobody and nothing.

moonlightholly · 09/11/2019 07:15

Yeah by depressing the hell out of her further!

WatchingTheMoon · 09/11/2019 07:17

moonlight maybe it depends on where you live, but in big cities it's so common for people to be far from family that it's really not unusual among people I know.

shipping I once volunteered at a shelter and all the guys ended up inviting me out on NYE cos they all had plans and I didn't!

I wouldn't say that it's just a one way thing of wealthy volunteer vs poor shelter dweller. It's way more complex than that.

OohMrDarcy · 09/11/2019 07:19

My first christmas without the kids I was heartbroken at the thought of not being with them, so I literally pretended it wasnt christmas to myself. I decided it was Christmas eve (was getting them back boxing day morning) so I holed up with last minute prep, snacks and movies and ignored the world! Worked a treat

user1019273703 · 09/11/2019 07:20

It looks like my little one will be having all xmas eve and day with her dad (he wants boxing day too but dont think that its likely) and boxing day with me and that will alternate. Im trying to think of it as just another day. Im going to do a small christmas day with a few presents and xmas eve box a few days before and then boxing day will be with all the family & all the main presents.

cherryblossomgin · 09/11/2019 07:20

I would offer to work but if it wasn't my turn I would find a community Christmas meal and offer to help or find another way to give back. If you get them back boxing day you can still do Christmas with them. I am from a divorced family and every year we do Christmas Day with DM and Boxing Day with DF.

Medievalist · 09/11/2019 07:21

Please don't ask your kids. That would be an awful thing to do.

I honestly can't see the harm in asking your ex. If he's reasonable and, as co-parents you still have a decent relationship, he might be understanding. My nephew split from his wife when their kids were quite small and she always had them Xmas eve and Xmas day, then he had them from Boxing Day. So not everyone swaps each year.

BeanBag7 · 09/11/2019 07:23

How would you have felt last Christmas if the tables were turned. You arranged with ex that you would have them Cheistmas morning. If he had spoken to them and asked what they would prefer, and they said they would prefer to go with him... would you have been OK with that? Or would it be upsetting that ex was going against the agreed plan and using the kids to emotionally blackmail you?

It's not fair on him to change the plans. It's not fair on the kids to make them choose.

It is difficult to be alone but it's only for the morning and next year you will have them. If you want to stay busy, maybe you could do some volunteering or spend the morning with elderly people who are alone at christmas.

Mumdiva99 · 09/11/2019 07:28

I think you've a few option. Ask dad if he's made Xmas plans first? Ask if he wants to do it the same as last year? (If yes - great), if no ask if he wants to do a big Xmas breakfast at your house (with a gf if he has one - you can't not invite a SO at Xmas and he might not agree to your suggestion if you don't)....go with me on this....kids get to sleep over at yours. Wake up early, get a small stocking, exbf/h comes over.....you all have breakfast (pancakes and scrambled egg etc) you all open some presents together....kids give dad the token presents you've got them to give him and vice versa. Kids get to play with toys a bit. About 11 they move off to his family. You go off volunteering. Kids have learned a great lesson in co-parenting. You weren't on your own all day. Dad gets to spend more time with his family.

Palaver1 · 09/11/2019 07:28

Check your communities local events lots of Christmas lunches prepared in churches,hall etc

Barbarara · 09/11/2019 07:31

I’m very struck by the way you seem to be instinctively silencing yourself and afraid to give voice to your thoughts. I understand the need to protect yourself from rejection, so you hesitate to ask, but you’re also judging yourself (as “petty”) just for your instinctive maternal desire.

Could you open a conversation with your ex and ask him what would suit him, and take it from there? Rather than trying to launch in with a question that feels so vulnerable? Or You could ask how he felt last year worked out? And whether it be best to do that again so this becomes the new traditional arrangement for the dc? I’m just trying to suggest ways of broaching it and phrases to use, hopefully to stimulate more ideas.

smaragda · 09/11/2019 07:31

I can't speak to divorces parents as I am not, and my parents were not growing up, however a few pp have postpone christmas until you have the kids back-Christmas after all is just a day, the magic can be recreated on any other day, be it Boxing Day, or any other later date! When I was a child my father was in the forces, and Christmas wasn't Christmas until daddy came home and we were all together. Another year, my brother had a very serious accident and again christmas was postponed until he came home. Now is the time to create your own Christmas traditions with your kids, two christmases go down well with most kids, don't get hung up on the day.
Having said all that from the kids perspective, I totally get where you are coming from as a mother so to you! Power through it mama, and do what you can to keep this a magical time of the year for your kids xxx

afternoonspray · 09/11/2019 07:33

It's not shitty of you at all to suggest it. Unless he;s a really creepy, manipulative man, I;d tell him. Say you have been very down and would love to wake up with them.

If it isn;t possible, plan the day so it is a really powerful dose of self-care to counteract your depression. put on your favourite music loud, have a long bath in lovely bubbles, eat good food. Maybe go for a walk.

If you don;t want to be alone look for organisations that host Christmas lunch for people alone at Christmas.Look up events run by The Marmalade Trust which specialises in events for anyone who might be lonely, and hosts Christmas lunches or local church groups may have an event.

If you feel up to it, you could volunteer but it sounds ot me like you deserve to have someone be kind to you and look out for you not the other way round, right now.

itsmecathycomehome · 09/11/2019 07:34

I don't think there's anything wrong in raising this with your xh.

Just start a conversation along the lines of 'can we talk about the xmas arrangements please' next time he picks up.

If things are amicable and you are co-parenting effectively, he may be willing to make concessions in the knowledge that you will be alone.

Of course he may have plans or be really looking forward to his time with them, and I think you must accept that if so.

Even though he will be in a busy household on xmas day, he will have his own sadnesses around not being in the family home, still living in his childhood bedroom, not living with his dc and so on.

If you are alone on xmas morning op I think a lie in, indulgent bath, special breakfast and some time prepping for the dc's return would be my choice.

afternoonspray · 09/11/2019 07:35

Where do you live OP? If you tell me the region I'll have a look around for something that might appeal to you. Not everything is geared to people over 75 .

Newmumma83 · 09/11/2019 07:38

Hey op I don’t have a solution but hope Christmas works out the best for you all , you are go parents so co discuss with ex, of course you can’t make him change the plans but asking doesn’t hurt if you have a good line of communication x

Crazybunnylady123 · 09/11/2019 07:45

Hey! Xmas isn’t all it used to be and you shouldn’t bring yourself down further by giving it any thought. It’s just one day. Mostly all about spending money.
You could plan a little Xmas celebration the next day for you and the kids. Let them have fun with the rest of their family and they will be so happy to see you when they are home.
Use the actual day to chill out. Nice breakfast, bath, movies and nibbles, shop online in the sales!
Have some well deserved me time and celebrate the next day with your babies.
I hate to think of anybody miserable and alone.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/11/2019 07:49

I've gone to a 24 hour gym in the past. Most are open christmas day. Obviously only if you enjoy exercising.

ClientListQueen · 09/11/2019 07:57

I'm alone from Christmas Eve - Boxing Day. I don't have DC so fairly standard for me
I've ordered a Christmas Eve box from a local cafe place which has like an afternoon tea in it so going to pick that up Christmas Eve, probably have a bath and relax
Christmas Day I will be watching trashy films, eating my body weight in chocolate and napping
Boxing Day I might venture to the sales if I'm feeling sharp elbowed, if not I'm going to be just pottering and sorting stuff for back to work in the 27th

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