Alone at Xmas, what would you do?

[middlemuddle]

ExH and I have 3 DCs and separated last summer. I am a care leaver so have no family at Christmas to go to, and I don't like to go to friend's houses as I feel like I'm intruding (I've done all that in the past). Last Xmas I said to exH that I'd like to have them in the morning & he could have them in the afternoon because I didn't want to spend a lot of time alone. He lives with his parents and they have a lot of family over on Christmas Day. In the end I think he only had them 3hrs max, but that was his choice- I didn't stipulate any timings.

I know it's his turn to have the DCs on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day morning but I feel heartbroken at the thought of waking up alone without them. I'm withdrawing from anti-depressants atm so I'm feeling my emotions again, and this is making me feel quite upset. Would I BU to suggest same arrangements as last year? Is it being selfish?

I think they are too young to ask.

I would just tell them and your ex that the same as last year is happening end of.

You are the main carer, presumably do all the hard graft week in week out looking after them (unless you have joint parenting, although your post doesn’t read like that) why should you then not have them Xmas day.

There is no way on earth I wouldn’t have my children on Xmas day. My ex walked out, his choice. He doesn’t get them to school and back everyday, ensure homework done, monitor electronics...... attend parents evenings, school concerts, cook for them every night, all the hard thing of parenting. I get the house all ready for Xmas, do all the shopping, present buying while he does the minimum. Why should he expect them at Xmas?

Please dont ask the kids and put undue pressure on them OP...as the adults you and your ex should decide. Book yourself into a spa if they go on xmas eve and have an overnight stay in a nice hotel...treat yourself to some pampering...

I agree that you shouldn't ask the kids.

I'd ask what time he would bring them back on CD, it might not be as long as you think.

@middlemuddle, in your position I would first ask my ex if he would mind me having the kids overnight, possibly with an earlier pick up than last year. It can’t hurt to ask although of course he may well say no.

I also think your idea of volunteering for a care leavers’ lunch is great. They are such great events. I fundraised for our local one and it makes such a difference.

But also I wanted to be another one saying that your friends mean their invitations. My mother always invited people for Christmas if they were at a loose end, and now I do the same. I had many years of being without people to spend Christmas with myself and went to various people, including friends, as well as being alone. And I always felt welcome and had a lovely time. We now have a friend every year who lives nearby and has no family around, and also invite anyone who needs a table to sit at. Our Christmases are enriched by them.

thechristmasdinners.org.uk/
Have you heard of these.....It's Christmas Dinners for care leavers. If you don't fancy being on your own.

"I would just tell them and your ex that the same as last year is happening end of."

"There is no way on earth I wouldn’t have my children on Xmas day."

You wouldn't have a choice with contact arrangements stipulated in a court order.

Even if arrangements are informal, most right-thinking parents understand that children deserve to spend special moments with both parents and both families.

It sounds as if op and her xp are parenting amicably, with an agreement to alternate xmas, which is fair for everyone. Demanding anything else generally doesn't end well for the parents or, ultimately, the children ime.

Well I'd probably sit in bed, watch a film, drink fizz and eat little bits of something lovely.

I have volunteered at Christmas once. It was a really cheerful experience but was all day (to about 4pm).

Or, if you want to be with lots of cheerful people on Christmas morning, you could go to church. No need to believe or be a regular attendee, they're pretty welcoming at that time of year and there'll be some happy songs. The downside would be lots of families attending together. It might depend which church.

Middle, I had experience of this over many years. I found that being alone overnight from Christmas Eve until Christmas lunch was easier than having to say goodbye to the DC at lunch time and being alone all Christmas afternoon and evening.

On Christmas morning I would make my favourite breakfast and listen to the radio. See if there is a Podcast you could save up for that day. You could find an audio book to listen to. There may even be something interesting on the TV.

Some years I made each child a special decoration to go in his or her room - cardboard, glitter, shiny paper etc. One year I had a cardboard box for each child, put the presents inside and spent time decorating the outside of each box with pictures, cut-outs, ribbons etc. Anything to occupy myself, perhaps accompanied by Christmas carols.

If the weather was anything approaching reasonable I would go for a walk and say, 'Merry Christmas' to anyone who passed by. There were preparations for the Christmas meal as well, although not sure if you're making that this year.

When the children arrived I stuck on the happy face and avoided at all costs letting them see how difficult I had found it being apart from them. (Agree with ChileConCarne about not giving off sad and lonely vibes). It was all about them, admiring the presents they had already received, playing with them, seeing them open their presents from me etc.

It's hard every day after a split but it gets easier, however slowly. Christmas Day is just one day. Make plans for Boxing Day if you can - are there any events in your area? Sorry if suggestions are of no use but they worked for me. I even managed to see it from their father's point of view - they spent the majority of their time with me.

Why shouldn't your kids wake up in their own beds every Christmas morning, and then go over to their dad's in the afternoon?

My Step Daughter did that, it sets up a routine that she was happy with.

Who wouldn't want to do Christmas morning with their mum?

When I was completely alone last Christmas morning I found a local walkers group who did a really long walk Christmas Day morning.

It was great as people there either didn't celebrate, weren't really interested or were like me.

It made the day far more bearable

OP Christmas can be a difficult time as the expectations are high. I try to have less of a fixed idea about how special occasions should happen (separated several years). Not always easy though.

Assuming they are happy with their Dad, I do think suggestion to power through this one is sensible. I think you do it, survive it, and it gets easier. There are lots of great suggestions from others about how to spend that time and if you can pamper yourself or find distraction, great. But you might also need to lie in bed with the duvet over your head for a day and if you do you will survive that too. If enjoying time by yourself is too difficult this first year they are away, maybe focus on getting ready for children returning, make bedrooms as nice as possible, prepare favourite foods, homemade biscuits etc.

What works for you when they are at their dads at weekends? Do you enjoy a bit of time to yourself or find it very difficult?

It's great that they will have a fun Christmas with grandparents etc.. Your ex has family and perhaps that makes Christmas and birthdays seem exciting and "bigger". But don't feel that you have less to offer. You are their mum and when together you are a little family unit too, and your time together is just as important, including special occasions.

Me and my ex have always done xmas eve and xmas morning at his, then I collect 12/1pm then keep until boxing day night. It works, we both get xmas, dd is very happy that she gets 2 sets of presents in 1 day, and we've never changed the arrangements. I think I would be heartbroken if I didnt have her on xmas as would he so this is the best compromise. Tell him how you feel it's absolutely not unreasonable to ask.

Just wanted to point out that we’ve invite a friend for Christmas for years (various people, not always the same friend) and we genuinely look forward to having company. One year the neighbour decided not to come and my kids were really disappointed as it has become part of Christmas Day to have a visitor. So please don’t assume you would be intruding if you have had an invitation.
(If you would actually hate it that’s a different matter though!)

No that's not unreasonable at all. He's surrounded and you're not. Im sorry there isn't a better network around you for the holidays. The holidays are so difficult for many people for loads of different reasons, myself included. Do you have any friends in the same boat that you could invite over or catch up with? I would get nice food, music, a jigsaw or craft (I've never done either) thing to do for the kids returning. I'd probably paint a piece of furniture or something ridiculous.

In our area there's a meal for people who are alone in the local club (don't know how you'd feel about that). Also, I'm not religious but I've heard the lovely local minister arrange for people to have guests on Christmas Day or do check in on people. Sorry if these ideas are a bit wanky.

Go out with friends on Christmas eve, and sleep in/getting ready for dcs to come back for Christmas treat on the Christmas day.

Book yourself on a xmas cruise, plenty of single people around, shows etc, great time to be had xx

Ffs don’t ask your dc. That’s one sure way to guilt trip your children and they shouldn’t be put in that position, not ever.

It’s not really ex fault he has people around at Christmas and you don’t. Why shouldn’t he have his dc on his year??

Who wouldn't want to do Christmas morning with their mum? What is this thing on here about the mother being more important than dad? You are aware a LOT of dc love dad just as much as mum, and why shouldn’t them dc get to make up with dad on the odd Christmas morning?

OP
Go out Christmas Eve for a glass of wine
Christmas Day volunteer, go for a walk, eat indulgent food, watch your favourite film, complete a puzzle, hell clean the house top to bottom if you have to in order to occupy yourself.
Then when the dc come back cook Christmas dinner and have your normal festivities that day

When DH and I separated our agreement (caveat - we still lived within spitting distance of each other) was that we shared the morning opening stockings and the presents from us to the kids (still joint). Then the other parent left.
The Christmas after my mother died I then spent the day alone (through choice). I'll admit that it was hard. Okay, so I had full control over what and when I watched, ate, snoozed, etc. but it wasn't fun. The novelty wore off around 5-6pm which left the whole evening.
Since then (and we're back together so not in the same situation as before or yourself; I appreciate that)I have taken on a volunteering role and have spent time doing that on Christmas morning. That has been incredibly rewarding and makes me appreciate what I come home to even more.

Can I firstly say I have never been in that position so please ignore if not helpful.
I think it would make sense to spend some time thinking about how it will work.
So you don't get the kids for Xmas eve and first part of Xmas day. Can you involve them in deciding what the rest of Xmas day with mum will be? Special tea, film, games? Walk? Treasure hunt?
Your presents on boxing day morning?

But you’ll have them in evening! You’ll have the best of both worlds. A bit of time responsibility free to enjoy an adult Christmas Eve and the children in the evening.
You’ll get to do presents and food and films and the fun bits. But without the pressure.
I agree with others who say make sure the children don’t pick up on your anxiety. Tell them they ‘ll have a wonderful Christmas morning at dads and you’ll have a lovely afternoon with them afterwards.

Would your circumstances allow for you to have a kitten or puppy at home? Either would give you a focal point and both are time-consuming! Would also be nice for the children to look forward to coming home to you and seeing the cat/dog and playing with it!

Of course it's not shitty to ask. It's important that both parents are in the best mental health. Could you explain this to him? That you will be all alone otherwise? Could you have them xmas Eve and Xmas morning and then go and help out at a volunteer place? Or even go on local social media and invite someone else who is alone for Xmas around (lots of elderly people have no one).

I'm a care leaver too, absolutely no family, my grown up children are doing their own thing, I'm not invited, so I'm volunteering, my local church is feeding the homeless, hungry, lonely etc so I'm plonking my bum in a corner and preparing sprouts all day while drinking copious amounts of wine, its not the first time I've volunteered and I'm going back as it's an absolute scream, so fun, so jolly, a good time had by all ... I totally recommend it :-)

Would your circumstances allow for you to have a kitten or puppy at home? Either would give you a focal point and both are time-consuming! Would also be nice for the children to look forward to coming home to you and seeing the cat/dog and playing with it!

👏👏👏👏. Wow. Just wow. The op is a single parent with three kids aged 3-7, is getting over a broken relationship, is coming off anti-depressants, doesn't seem to have family or close friends and you're suggesting introducing a young animal into the mix? Are you mad?

We recently took in a 10 week old puppy that the owner didn't want because she hadn't realised how demanding and exhausting puppies are. She was fairly close to the edge despite having a partner and teenage children to help.

Too many people think a puppy will solve a problem, pick one up cheap from gumtree and then either don't meet their needs, leave them in a cage for hours on end or dump them on a rescue.