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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s fair for separated parents Xmas day

85 replies

ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 20:40

I have 2 DC but they have different dads. Both dads are involved.

I’ve had them every Xmas eve so far and they’ve opened presents with me on Xmas morning, then gone their separate ways with their dads. (Or sometimes the youngest stays with me if his dad is working).

Oldest DC, DD is 7. Her dad has asked to have her Xmas eve this year and bring her back to me after dinner.

If I didn’t have the youngest I would agree, he’s never experienced it before and he’s a good dad. I’d find it a bit sad and difficult but I can deal with it. The problem is if he has DD, then I have a young DS opening presents alone with me on Xmas morning without their sibling. Then I’m swapping them as one leaves and the other comes back Confused

I grew up very close to my sibling and not sure if it’s clouding my judgement, but this doesn’t sound nice for them.

AIBU to say no, it’s not fair on the youngest DC to take the eldest away? Youngest is autistic and old enough to understand they would normally be together.

Sometimes this “swapping” ends up happening for contact in the week as hers is set at weekends and his changes. DD doesn’t seem too fussed but DS always gets very upset.

OP posts:
MissusMaker · 08/11/2019 20:51

Would younger DCs Dad have them Christmas Eve thru dinner as well and both meet back at yours after dinner to open presents and have the evening together?

SandyY2K · 08/11/2019 20:55

I think you need to think of your DD having the experience of opening gifts with her dad too.

You can't really deprive her of that because of her sibling, otherwise she could end up growing up resentful towards you and her sibling for missing out.

Whattodoabout · 08/11/2019 20:59

My DC aren’t close with their Dad (his choice completely) so he would never have them on Christmas Eve. Tbf he’s never even asked to see them on Xmas eve but if he suddenly did, I would say no.

In your case I would ask him if he’s ok with the usual arrangement because of your other child and not wanting to separate them on Xmas eve/day in the morning for gifts. I’m sure he will understand if he’s a decent guy.

bridgetreilly · 08/11/2019 21:01

Yes, I'd also see if the other dad could have his child at the same time, so it's still co-ordinated and you have them both together, just at a different time from before. If not, I think you probably do have to start being more flexible and recognise that you won't always be able to co-ordinate all three parents' schedules from now on. Make some new traditions! It'll be okay.

Purpleartichoke · 08/11/2019 21:04

I’d try to keep the kids on the same schedule. What about Xmas eve with the dads, with present opening, and they return just before bedtime? Them you have Xmas day.

Our lives got much easier once we accepted that some presents would get opened on the 24th.

MiniCooperLover · 08/11/2019 21:10

I think you need to allow your child's dad to have a Xmas Eve and Xmas morning, it's only fair: to do that you may need to accept both children go to their fathers.

redcupbluecup · 08/11/2019 21:10

I see where you're coming from completely but yabu. It's not a situation I'd like to be in but your childs father should also be able to have the chance to have his daughter christmas eve and Christmas morning too. Your daughter also deserves that. It sounds like hes been fair up until now. I'd speak to your youngests father too to see if he'd do the same. But even so I'd allow it. She has two parents and it's not their fault her sibling had a different parent.

YouFellAsleeep · 08/11/2019 21:16

YABU. It’s not fair to make your daughter’s dad miss out on experiencing Christmas Eve and morning with his daughter because of your younger child.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 21:17

It’s not fair to make your daughter’s dad miss out on experiencing Christmas Eve and morning with his daughter because of your younger child.

I totally agree with this.

londonrach · 08/11/2019 21:22

Yabu. Can you other dc see their child same time. If split id expect you see your dc every other xmas eve and every other xmas day to be fair to both parents. Sounds like both your dc have good dads.

cookingonwine · 08/11/2019 21:23

Awful as it sounds I would have to agree the father can't miss out. I would definitely ask the other dad if he could have his child also and celebrate when you are altogether.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/11/2019 21:28

I also have to agree that the father can't miss out. Is there a way your other child can also go to their Dad's?

doublebarrellednurse · 08/11/2019 21:29

My son does one year with me one with his dad.

He will go from when he breaks up from school to the 28th Dec and then swap.

I'm not a fan but it's fairish

mysurveysays · 08/11/2019 21:30

Could you not have the Dad come to yours early on Christmas day and all open presents together? That way none of you miss out

BarbedBloom · 08/11/2019 21:30

Yeah, I also think you need to alternate, it is fair that way

coffeecow · 08/11/2019 21:33

I'm another one who wonders if it would be possible for your youngest to do the same and then have them both back with you Christmas evening for your presents (after you've had a long lie in Grin)

Osirus · 08/11/2019 21:34

I agree, you should allow her to be at her dad’s at least one Christmas Eve/morning. The younger child will be fine and probably enjoy your whole attention.

LtJudyHopps · 08/11/2019 21:39

Could he have her Christmas Eve and bring her back lunch time? Then they’ll have some time together and DD’s dad gets to see her Christmas morning.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 21:50

Unfortunately the youngests dad is at work all Xmas eve until 6am Xmas day so DS can’t go the night before, which is what makes it awkward (Or else I would’ve happily gone with that solution, thanks everyone who suggested!)

His dad works odd backshifts which means his contact with DS is always a bit... scattered. Depending on when his days off land

I’m happy to hear the opinions of people saying it’s unreasonable. The reason I posted is coz I’m in such a moral dilemma about it but ultimately wanted to know what works best for both children

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 08/11/2019 21:54

I think yabu (though my ex is absent and it’s times like this I am thankful as wouldn’t want to not have them on xmas) but I think what he is asking for is totally reasonable.

Original poster
ThatsMyAddress · 08/11/2019 21:55

I agree that their dads deserve some Xmas mornings with them, but Xmas seems like such a strange day for them to be split apart (for the whole day) Sad

Thank you for whoever suggested DD goes to her dads on Xmas eve but comes back at night. I think that’s the plan we’re going to use! And I’ve offered to drop her off at like 9/10am with him on Xmas day because we all get up at like 6am anyway

It’s not great (and not the same as waking up there i know) and I hope we can sort it out to be fairer for him in the future, but he’s been very understanding about my youngest

My DD is my youngests “person” so he’s extremely attached and would be really upset without her. But I also want to be really careful not to put the needs of one before the other

Rock and a hard place Confused

OP posts:
RubbingHimSourly · 08/11/2019 21:58

Delay the younger child opening their gifts.

Give them their stocking and maybe their main gift / most wanted present and hold the rest back until when your other child comes home........as your younger child has Autism this will probably work better for them as they can take longer to process new gifts etc.

Mymycherrypie · 08/11/2019 21:59

ultimately wanted to know what works best for both children

I know this will sound harsh and I can totally understand where you are coming from and why you feel the way you do, but your eldests dad doesn’t really have to consider your younger childs feelings in the same way that you do. Only in relation to his own child’s sibling relationship. And if he feels that he wants to see the child over Xmas eve, I guess that trumps the feelings of a child that isn’t his, IYSWIM.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2019 22:06

It’s not great (and not the same as waking up there i know) and I hope we can sort it out to be fairer for him in the future

Bet you won’t. Seems like you got your way here and that will carry on,

Isitme13 · 08/11/2019 22:09

Whilst it is always good to try to accommodate parents’ wishes (both mum and dad), contact should be centred around the children's needs.

This is a tricky situation, and I don’t envy you trying to navigate it. I have 3 dc, my eldest has severe ASD, so I know a little of what you are trying to face. I am separated from their dad, and we are working on every other year for Xmas - this year they are with me, heading off to dad’s on Boxing Day afternoon, and next year will be his turn.

My dc have had quite a few issues settling at their dad’s, and often one or more doesn’t want to stay - it’s all quite recent, and so we try to go with the flow for now, but like you, I think I would struggle with the thought of the dc being split up for Christmas. It does feel wrong somehow.

How amicable are relations between you and your dd’s dad? Would he be able to stay at yours on Christmas Eve, and maybe have a larger role in all the traditions, maybe be he one to get up early with the dc, and you step back a little? I appreciate it’s a big ask, but it might give your dd’s dad what he (understandably) wants, without completely disrupting Christmas for both dc and splitting them up.

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