What’s fair for separated parents Xmas day

[ThatsMyAddress]

I have 2 DC but they have different dads. Both dads are involved.

I’ve had them every Xmas eve so far and they’ve opened presents with me on Xmas morning, then gone their separate ways with their dads. (Or sometimes the youngest stays with me if his dad is working).

Oldest DC, DD is 7. Her dad has asked to have her Xmas eve this year and bring her back to me after dinner.

If I didn’t have the youngest I would agree, he’s never experienced it before and he’s a good dad. I’d find it a bit sad and difficult but I can deal with it. The problem is if he has DD, then I have a young DS opening presents alone with me on Xmas morning without their sibling. Then I’m swapping them as one leaves and the other comes back

I grew up very close to my sibling and not sure if it’s clouding my judgement, but this doesn’t sound nice for them.

AIBU to say no, it’s not fair on the youngest DC to take the eldest away? Youngest is autistic and old enough to understand they would normally be together.

Sometimes this “swapping” ends up happening for contact in the week as hers is set at weekends and his changes. DD doesn’t seem too fussed but DS always gets very upset.

We alternate each year. One year he is with me Xmas eve and Xmas day morning, and with his dad Xmas day afternoon and Boxing Day, then we alternate the year after.

I think some of the posters like @PurpleDaisies are being unfairly harsh on you OP. They probably have their own bitterness to contend with so I would take what they say with a pinch of salt. You are doing your best in a tricky situation, with multiple dads to consider and different timetables/wants/needs. Good on you for trying to get it right. In a court of law, the child’s best interests always come first. What the dad or mum wants doesn’t. So he might want xmas eve/morn but if that’s not in her best interest because for example, she’s upset at being separated from her brother, then that shouldn’t happen. Be careful on listening to jaded advice on here. Some of these posters are men with axes to grind. Christmas isn’t set in law. It’s not a legal obligation so don’t get hung up on fulfilling everybody’s demands about it. It’s all about compromise. To be fair to you, none of the dads have asked for xmas morn before so saying you’ve always “got your own way” is quite frankly nasty and unfair. I’m sure if they had asked before you would have thought it through as from the responses you’ve given, you seem like a decent person who is trying her best. Plus you’ve got a child with special needs so that adds an element so I think every criticiser on here needs to back the hell off unless they’ve dealt with similar circumstances. Keep doing what you’re doing. Your DD dad has a right to ask of course but to also understand that it’s the first time and he might not get what he wants this year perfectly as you try and work out this new arrangement but now you know he wants that, you can work towards making that happen for next year. I also don’t see why, if you are the primary child carer that you should always have to be giving everybody else what they want and compromising your own needs. Be careful about that in the future. It’s ok to say I look after the kids most of the time all year and xmas morning is precious to me and my reward and I want it. You and the dads can have an honest discussion about that. Don’t feel you have to give way just because everyone on here says you have to. Keep talking about it with the dads. You might find that he is perfectly happy to always have xmas night/Boxing Day. Just remember, xmas is one day. You’re not ruining anyone’s life if you get it wrong. Keep going. You’re doing great

It's so easy to slip into the idea of fair for the parents, especially when you are amicable about things. But of course the focus should be on what is best for DC.

Which is what OP is focused on I think, it's more a case of juggling the differing needs of both children.

OP my children are very close. The youngest would always choose to be where his big brother is. They both have the same father so the situation is easier - but I get it. They take great comfort from being with each other. However I try not to hold the eldest back because of the youngests feelings. Eg, when eldest gets invited to playdates/sleepovers.

Sounds like Christmas Day could be fun with dad for DD. Does she stay with him a lot and feel quite at home there?

It’s also important to note that the OP’s dd’s dad wants to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and her family. Would your dd want to do that, OP?

I assume she’s met the girlfriend, but is she close to the family? Is she ready for what could be a whole new set of Christmas traditions, and just doing things differently? Does she know the girlfriends family well enough to be (possibly) staying at their house? This ain’t necessarily as simple as the dd going to her dad’s for Christmas instead of staying with her mum - she may be spending a lot of the time somewhere else, and might not be so comfortable doing that.

What happens if your dd's dad goes on to have more children? You say he has a lovely dp & is involved with her family, so it sounds like a serious relationship.

Or if you do, or your ds's dad does?

Or any of the three of you end up in a relationship with someone who already has kids?

At some point, the ideal of 'all siblings spend Christmas together' is unlikely to be realistic!

I get why you want your dc to have Christmas with each other, & I don't think YABU at all, but you're going to have to start being more flexible & working with the dc to have a special Christmas tradition that isn't necessarily 'Christmas morning & presents', I think.

I live abroad, & my dc spend every Christmas holiday with their father . It sucks, & it's starting to cause issues as two of them don't want to go every year & the third doesn't want to go at all!

What we do is have a family evening the night before we fly to the uk. We have a Christmas film, a few food & drink treats & then I send them off with a stocking from me to open on the day, as they won't see me until early January. (& then rather than presents we have a lovely sales shopping, theatre & dinner day before we fly home!)

I think what I'm trying to say is it's probably better to move the fun stuff to when you can do it, not decide first when it's happening & then try to arrange having the kids around it, iyswim. It's hard.

I would keep to your normal routine for this year but move to alternate years. This leaves the youngest's dad a whole year to sort out taking Xmas eve off. I would have found Christmas without my sibling awful and I'd want to avoid that.

Yabu, we do one parent has Xmas eve then day till 4ish then alternate years.

The magical parts of Christmas Eve are right through to stocking and seeing tree and mince pies eaten from plate. It is fair to let her dad have that experience in total. She is not going to believe for much longer.

They will have time together but in complicated families it can't always work for everybody all the time.

You can't put this decision on her, she is too young and will end up feeling upset and torn by whichever parent asked first.

Please let him have one Xmas eve before she is too old to want to believe .

Btw, I know how hard this to do.

Can the one who works Xmas eve take some annual leave?

She is seven and so may not believe for much longer. So, this year may be his only chance to experience it. Should he have done it sooner? Yes.
I would try to work with him. Is he far away? If not, could she stay the night at his and then pop home for a visit between breakfast and lunch to do presents with you and her brother?

I know you have both children to consider and two dads to balance. I do too. One of mine also has autism so we plan and prepare well in advance. The balancing act was the choice I made when I chose to grow my family with a new partner.

You just have to do things differently on those years. We just did stockings on Christmas day and presents on Boxing day. A special dinner on Boxing day as well as Christmas day.

I also think I am lucky as my ex has only asked a couple of times. He could have asked for every other year or to split the day each year. He could have taken me to court if I refused this request. Try to work with your ex to find a solution that allows him to experience these special moments while he can.